Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

By the time you realize, what your parents said was RIGHT You'll have kids who begin to think you're WRONG.

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

I met a time travelling lycan yesterday...he was a when-wolf!

Babcock's Law: If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
Bagdikian's Law of Editor's Speeches: The splendor of an editor's speech and the splendor of his newspaper are inversely related to the distance between the city in which he makes his speech and the city in which he publishes his paper.
Baker's Byroad: When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
Baldy's Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
Barber's Laws of Backpacking:
The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you chose to hike always comes out positive.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.
The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it.
The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.
When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again.
The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.
Barrett's Laws of Driving:
The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
This lane ends in 500 feet.
Barr's Comment on Domestic Tranquility: On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone can be unhappy -- but we'll work on it.
Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
Bartz's Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Forthoffer's Cynical Summary of Barzun's Laws:
That which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly.
If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.
Baxter's First Law: Government intervention in the free market always leads to a lower national standard of living.
Baxter's Second Law: The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and, ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency.
Baxter's Third Law: In a free market good money always drives bad money out of circulation.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
Benchley's Law: Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Berkeley's Laws:
The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be.
Ignorance is no excuse.
Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer.
An answer may be wrong, right, both, or neither. Most answers are partly right and partly wrong.
A chain of reasoning is no stronger than its weakest link.
A statement may be true independently of illogical reasoning.
Most general statements are false, including this one.
An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER PROVES it.
The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it -- it probably isn't right.
If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made.
Being sure mistakes will occur is a good frame of mind for catching them.
Check the answer you have worked out once more -- before you tell it to anybody.
Estimating a figure may be enough to catch an error.
Figures calculated in a rush are very hot; they should be allowed to cool off a little before being used; thus we will have a reasonable time to think about the figures and catch mistakes.
A great many problems do not have accurate answers, but do have approximate answers, from which sensible decisions can be made.
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
Berson's Corollary of Inverse Distances: The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.
Billings's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Blaauw's Law: Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Blanchard's Newspaper Obituary Law: If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
Bok's Law: If you think education is expensive -- try ignorance.
Boling's Postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bolton's Law of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Boob's Law: You always find something the last place you look.
Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
Boozer's Revision: A bird in the hand is dead.
Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy:
When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.
When in charge, ponder.
Borkowski's Law: You can't guard against the arbitrary.
Borstelmann's Rule: If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Boston's Irreversible Law of Clutter: In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.
Boultbee's Criterion: If the converse of a statement is absurd, the original statement is an insult to the intelligence and should never have been said.
Boyle's Laws:
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease.
Branch's First Law of Crisis: The spirit of public service will rise, and the bureaucracy will multiply itself much faster, in time of grave national concern.
First Law of Bridge: It's always the partner's fault.
Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Broder's Law: Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology; when this occurs, they are an endangered species.
Brooks's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
(Jerry) Brown's Law: Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
(Sam) Brown's Law: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
(Tony) Brown's Law of Business Success: Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
Bruce-Briggs's Law of Traffic: At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Buchwald's Law: As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Bunuel's Law: Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
Bureaucratic Cop-Out: You should have seen it when *I* got it.
Burns's Balance: If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions aren't likely to be very good.
Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs:
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who develop it.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare.
I'd rather go whoring than warring.
History proves nothing.
There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
A little humility is arrogance.
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.
Butler's Law of Progress: All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Bye's Second Law of Model Railroading: The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional to the decline of the prototype.

That's the last time I buy anything from eBay. I put in a bid for the worlds largest box...

It's just arrived now and I've been conned. The box it came in was bigger!

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not fit enough to do it, you’ve got a long walk home.

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back,
"This is no time to be superstitious."

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.
When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Al would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Ben would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.

They started to climb the stairs, and Al started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Ben and Carl were laughing hysterically.

Then Ben started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Al and Carl were hugging each other in fear.

Then Carl started to tell sad stories. "I'll tell my saddest story of all first," he said. "There once was a man named Carl who left his hotel room key in the car..."

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?
She obviously didn't give a fuck.

A man returns to his home town in Russia after 30 years. He sees a shoe shop that he remembers from his time living there and goes in. He tells the owner "I remember this shop. I left a pair of shoes here for repair 30 years ago before escaping to the West." The owner says "Yes, I remember you. Wait just a moment", and disappears to a back room. After a minute or so he reappears and tells the man "They'll be ready next Thursday. "

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?
They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

Hey fatboy, why are you so damn fat?
Because every time I fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

Yo mama is so fat when she got on the scale it said one at a time please.

The United States Bureau of Fisheries = I Raise the Bass to Feed Us in the Future
The United States of America = Attaineth its cause, freedom
Tom Cruise = So I'm Cuter
Vacation time = I am not active
Vacation Times = I'm Not as Active

Wanted.
Assistant to fill Hourglasses with sand, No time wasters.

My wife came into my shed yesterday and said, "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!"

It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

I know I'm ugly...
As I get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

I've got several great jokes about my kids being adopted.
But I can never find a good time to tell them.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

What time is it when you get hit by a car?
Time to die.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

I used to be a professional boxer.
You may have heard of me, I was known as 'The Artist'.

I used to spend most of my time on the canvas.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar - every time I have a pessimistic thought,I put in $. Currently it's half empty.

After smoking weed for the first time I saw my father beating my dad .

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

At this time of year I love sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping mulled wine and listening to Christmas songs until I fall asleep...
Which is probably the reason I lost my job as a fireman!

I only realised that I live in a bad neighbourhood when I paid my rent on time and the police came around the next day to ask where I got the money from.

A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.

"Come on, you stupid cow!" I shouted. "Get a bloody move on!"

She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!

Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.

I'm just not cut out for the dating world. The last time I was someone’s type...
I was donating blood...

Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...

If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy.
I'd have enough money to not need a job.

If you ever see a troll eat a fairy
It's either time for rehab or you're on Reddit.

Finished my Polish on Duolingo today. Now it's time to polish my Finnish.

Replace the negative with the positive.......
and next time put the battery in right the first time.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!*”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, *"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"*
She said, *"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"*
John said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"*
*"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"* Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, *"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."*
She said, *"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.

What did the Mummy broom say to the baby broom? It’s time to go to sweep!

A friend gave up his job as a shepherd as every time he tried to count his flock, he fell asleep.

Sleep is time machine to breakfast.

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies, "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads.
Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass.

She wanted to test whether her sons in law really cared about her or not. So she devised a plan. She invites her first SIL for a run and after reaching a river she purposefully slips into the river's current.
Without any hesitation first SIL jumps into the river and saves her. The very next day he receives a brand new Audi car and $10mn in cash with a note "thanks for saving me-MIL". She now invites second SIL for run and does the same , without hesitation he jumps in and saves her. The next day he receives same model car ,$10mn and note saying "thanks for saving me-MIL". She now invites her final SIL and does the same when she reaches the river but this time the son in law just ignores and walks back to his home. The very next day he receives 2 brand new cars and $20mn in cash with a note "thanks for saving me-FIL".

A millionaire and a guide were out hunting ducks with a dog.
The dog runs into a thicket and back out and barks once. The owner said good there's one duck in there. They go in and sure enough one duck. They get the duck and head to the next thicket.

The dog runs in and back out. This time he barks three times. Good there's three ducks. They go in and bingo! Three ducks. They collect the ducks and leave.

On the way out the millionaire asks the guide if he can buy his dog. And after much pushback and negotiations he had that dog!

Some years later the guide and millionaire cross paths and naturally the guide asks about his dog. The millionaire replied

"I had to put him down"

"What? Why?"

"Well, I took him out with a friend. First he runs into the thicket just like you taught him. Then he comes out barking like mad! I mean like crazy. Then he took off back into the thicket. When he came out this time he jumped on my buddies leg and went to humpin! After we got him to stop it was back to the thicket. The last time he ran out he came with a stick and was hitting us with it sooo I put him down."

"YOU MORON!" replied the guide. "He was trying to tell you that THERE'S MORE FUCKING DUCKS IN THERE THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT!

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette with beautiful blue eyes. He is instantly infatuated with her!

After his business presentation, he walks out of the board room and approaches this beautiful woman. He is very outspoken and immediately asks her to marry him! She's taken aback at the proposal, but she doesn't want to lose a potential client for her company by saying a flat out "no". So, if he fulfills three tasks of her choosing, she will marry him.

Her first request: "Within two weeks, build an 8-lane bridge -- entirely made of platinum -- spanning from Japan to Los Angeles." He replies: "I build! I build!" ... the bridge is completed in only 13 days! She is shocked that he is capable to accomplish this task within such a short time restraint.

Her second request: "Within one week, you must build a super-sonic overhead rail system that connects every major city in the USA, that takes only an hour to reach any city that the passengers desire." He replies: "I build! I build!" ... the rail system -- complete with 5,000 stops -- is constructed within 5 days!

Her last request: "I insist on having a husband with a twelve inch penis." He replies: "I cut! I cut!"

Why do kids like summer vacation so much?
It's the only time they will ever get to experience a classless society.

Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"
"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."

I tossed a coin 15 times, and every single time it landed on tails.
I'm starting to think that it's not just a coin-cidence.

The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

I still make time for all my favorite hobbies like drinking, swearing, and making people feel uncomfortable.