Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

IBM Pollyanna Principle: Machines should work. People should think.
Idea Formula: One man's brain plus one other will produce about one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many.
The Ike Tautology: Things are more like they are now than they have ever been before.
Corollary: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Iles's Law: There is an easier way to do it. Corollaries:
When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
Neither will Iles.
Imhoff's Law: The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank -- the REALLY big chunks always rise to the top.
Index of Development: The degree of a country's development is measured by the ratio of the price of an automobile to the cost of a haircut. The lower the ratio, the higher the degree of development.
Law of the Individual: Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.
Laws of Institutional Food:
Everything is cold except what should be.
Everything, including the corn flakes, is greasy.
Law of Institutions: The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
Iron Law of Distribution: Them what has -- gets. Wakefield's Refutation of the Iron Law of Distribution: Them what gets -- has.
Issawi's Law of Aggression: At any given moment, a society contains a certain amount of accumulated and accruing aggressiveness. If more than 21 years elapse without this aggressiveness being directed outward, in a popular war against other countries, it turns inward, in social unrest, civil disturbances, and political disruption.
Issawi's Laws of Committo-Dynamics:
Comitas comitatum, omnia comitas.
The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you are to be pressed to do so.
Issawi's Law of the Conservation of Evil: The total amount of evil in any system remains constant. Hence, any diminution in one direction -- for instance, a reduction in poverty or unemployment -- is accompanied by an increase in another, e.g., crime or air pollution.
Issawi's Law of Consumption Patterns: Other people's patterns of expenditure and consumption are highly irrational and slightly immoral.
Issawi's Law of Cynics: Cynics are right nine times out of ten; what undoes them is their belief that they are right ten times out of ten.
Issawi's Law of Dogmatism: When we call others dogmatic, what we really object to is their holding dogmas that are different from our own.
Issawi's Law of Estimation of Error: Experts in advanced countries underestimate by a factor of 2 to 4 the ability of people in underdeveloped countries to do anything technical.
Issawi's Law of Frustration: One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
Issawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. The Dialectics of Progress: Direct action produces direct reaction. The Pace of Progress: Society is a mule, not a car . . . If pressed too hard, it will kick and throw off its rider.
Issawi's Law of the Social Sciences: By the time a social science theory is formulated in such a way that it can be tested, changing circumstances have already made it obsolete.
Issawi's Observation on the Consumption of Paper: Each system has its own way of consuming vast amounts of paper: in socialist societies by filling large forms in quadruplicate, in capitalist societies by putting up huge posters and wrapping every article in four layers of cardboard.
First Postulate of Isomorphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
Italian Proverb: She who is silent consents.

My wife thinks I spend too much time talking to random people on line.
What do you think?

Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of heart disease.
She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children.
Mary finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel."

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together
The man received a full treatment, a haircut, shave, shampoo, and styling.
After he was done, he placed the boy in the chair.
'I'm going to buy a tie to wear for tonight's party, alright?' he asked. 'I'll be back in a few minutes.'
'Sure,' the boy said.
By the time the boy was finished with the haircut, the man still hadn't returned.
'Looks like your dad forgot about you little man,' the barber said.
'That wasn't my dad,' the boy said. 'He just walked up, took me by the hand, and told me we were gonna get a free haircut.'

Happy summer -- the time when it's too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do all winter!

I have started a part time job, selling security systems door to door.
It is going well, if they are not home, I just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

The irony of life is that by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.

I used to date a time traveller, but I had to break up with her. I found out she was two-timing me.

When a dad joke has been around a long time does it become a grandpa joke?

Every time I go tp see the doctor they always ask 'How are you today?" "If I was good I wouldn't be here!"

I wrote a screen play about love in the time of Kotex.
It was a period piece.
No one would produce it. Bloody fools!

Jeff Bezos was in space for longer than the amount of time Amazon Warehouse employees are allowed to spend in the restroom.

So I caught my girl cheating again.
This time I caught her doing it with my Dad and before that my brother like seriously. So I was wondering if anyone know how I can tell her I just want to be cousins.

I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals.
They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Q: How do boyfriends exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

I tried buying a train ticket online.
Each time it said: ‘Where do you want to go?’, I clicked on the “Home” icon.
It then made me start all over again.

What is a bed's least favourite time of year?

Spring break.

I always take time to reflect in front of a mirror.

Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.

Every time I take up a sport, or exercise I meet new people ... usually they're paramedics...but they're new people.

Oxymorons .....
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

I did a couple of laps around the gym today.
Maybe next time I'll actually park my car and go in.

I never said he’d been to prison…
…I just said he’d spent a lot of time behind bars…

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.
Henry Ford

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex… I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

When’s the worst time to get a heart attack?
When you’re playing Charades with a group of friends,
and it’s your turn!

My gf and I watched 3 movies back to back the other nite. I said next time she can be the one facing the TV .

How do people get bodies in a suitcase? It takes me all my time to get 3 shirts and a couple of pairs of pants in!

Finding a life partner is like putting down linoleum: lay it right the first time and you can walk all over it the rest of your life.

Somebody asked if I have time to spell Wonton backwards?
I said, “not now”...

I used to hate time travel when I was older.

I told an offensive joke last time I performed Comedy in Croatia.
The audience were Split.

I spoke to my dentist about how I get pains every time I drink coffee or tea. He asked ‘how long has this been going on for?’ I said, ‘I have been drinking tea and coffee for many years.’

Did you hear about the pirate that got upset every time his ship floated away...
...he had to take anchor management classes!

When's the best time to buy a trampoline?
At the Spring sales.

My teacher says that fish are more intelligent than we give them credit for. They spend a lot of time in schools.

Paddy is in court,and after an 8 day trial he suddenly pleads guilty.The judge says,"Why didn't you just plead guilty at first and save the court all this wasted time and money?"
Paddy says,"I thought I was innocent until I heard all of the evidence."

I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week.!!

First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.!!

My first flat was so close to Heathrow airport, that every time I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, a stewardess told me to get back to my seat!

My Jewish GF and I decided it was time to get physical. It tuchas to a whole new level.

The Nazi’s catch 3 women spies, a waitress, teacher and a prostitute. They offer them 3 ways of dying, hanging,firing squad or 4ucked to death. The waitress picked hanging and they marched her off to hang her, the teacher chooses firing squad and they shoot her right there, the prostitute unsurprisingly choose being 4ucked to death. The SS commander takes her off to a barn and start 4ucking her, she reaches behind her and picks up a hay straw and starts tapping him on the head,the SS officer says “what the 4uck are you doing”,she says “by the time you’ve 4ucked me to death I’ll smashed your 4ucking head in”.

Once upon a time in France, 3 kittens were playing on a frozen pond. Suddenly, the ice broke and un, deux, trois, cat sank!

Right, this time I'm gonna try and go at least a month without any innuendos. Touch wood.

Do you realize every time you put your glasses on you make a spectacle of yourself?

Businessman Abe Greenberg phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry Mr Greenberg, but he died last week."

The next day Abe phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day he calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Mr Greenberg, I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "It gives me such pleasure to hear you say that."

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

I met a woman in a bar and took her home. We started getting busy and I think she wanted me to fuck her in the ear. Every time I tried to stick it in her mouth, she kept turning her head.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Every solution breeds new problems.

Abbott's Admonitions:
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
Abrams's Advice: When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.
Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
Acton's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Ade's Law: Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry.
Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
Alan's Law of Research: The theory is supported as long as the funds are.
Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions.
Alley's Axiom: Justice always prevails . . . three times out of seven.
Anderson's Law: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Law of Annoyance: When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Laws of Applied Confusion: The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.
Corollary: Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven't even made it.
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Army Law: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.
Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms:
Numbers are tools, not rules.
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.
Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance.
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
The product of an arithmetical computation is the answer to an equation; it is not the solution to a problem.