Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

I heard a really good time travel joke tomorrow.

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.
That’s the last time we try knife throwing

Cartoon Laws:

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

If I had a Delorean, I'd probably drive it time to time.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

My wife left me a note before leaving for work which read..

"Put washing on - do 2 hour cycle"

It took me 4 hours to buy a bike and ride home so didn't have time for the laundry.

My company is offering a time management class I desperately need, but I can't work it into my schedule!

I just realized that the only time I'm good at dancing is when I'm about to pee my pants.

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."
- Marcus Aurelius

Later is the best time to do anything.

“Every time you light a lighter,the lighter the lighter is”.

"Understand me. I am not an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I don't have time for things that have no soul.”
~ Charles Bukowski

I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a coin in the jar.
The jar is currently half empty.

Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.

"What time is it?"
I don't know... it keeps changing.

My wife thinks I spend too much time talking to random people on line.
What do you think?

"One of the greatest problems of our time is that many are schooled but few are educated."

• Thomas More

By the time you realize, what your parents said was RIGHT You'll have kids who begin to think you're WRONG.

“Dad, I failed my test.”
“Well, I think it’s time to get your eyes checked.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’m your mom.”

Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

We are all time travelers... moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring.

I want to like mornings but I can’t because they happen at the wrong time of day.

Daniel Craig appeared grey in his latest Bond film cause he had no time to dye.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

The wife says we need to have a chat about my childish behaviour.

Like I've got time for that during conker season.

Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of... I wake up.

Boss: I need you here on time and ready to work.
Me: Pick one bro...

In my spare time I make clocks that go backwards.

What do you do to unwind?

When chuck Norris went to college he told his dad it was time to step up and be man of the house.

How does being pregnant make you feel?
Like a superhero. Well, a really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and isn’t allowed to lift heavy objects.

Why do you get 7 years of bad luck when you break a mirror?
So it gives you enough time to reflect on your mistake.

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner ~ he’s a boxer.

Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

My missus is an absolute saint who goes out of her way to help anyone in need. Only last week I came home early from work and there she was, giving up her own time to help my mate Dave study for his exam.
I didn't even know he was training to be a gynaecologist.

Advice please: is it okay to ask my wife what time tea is ready,
Or should I wait until she's finished cleaning the car ?

I bought five watches the other day. I have a lot of time on my hands....

Texting typos can change your life.

"Having a great time wish you were her"

The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point.

What's the perfect amount of time to microwave your popcorn?

I can't tell you, it's pop secret.

HUSBANDS ARE LIKE WINE... THEY TAKE A LONG TIME TO MATURE!

Every time I walk through baggage reclaim at an airport, I burst into tears. I'm case sensitive.

Husband:Are you ready yet love? We need to leave now if we’re going to be on time to see Les Miserables.
Wife: I’m coming dear, and I really wish you wouldn’t refer to our visits to my parents like that Pierre!!

I feel like as if for what that I sometimes but not all the time I use too many words in a sentence that I don’t really necessarily have to or need to.

My girlfriend said she needs time and space. I think she's calculating velocity. She's so smart.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

I had lunch at the Time Travel Buffet and went back four seconds.

Judge to defendant - "Have you ever been up before me?"
Defendant - "I'm not sure, what time do you normally wake up?"

Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together
The man received a full treatment, a haircut, shave, shampoo, and styling.
After he was done, he placed the boy in the chair.
'I'm going to buy a tie to wear for tonight's party, alright?' he asked. 'I'll be back in a few minutes.'
'Sure,' the boy said.
By the time the boy was finished with the haircut, the man still hadn't returned.
'Looks like your dad forgot about you little man,' the barber said.
'That wasn't my dad,' the boy said. 'He just walked up, took me by the hand, and told me we were gonna get a free haircut.'

Happy summer -- the time when it's too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do all winter!