Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

Abbott's Admonitions:
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
Abrams's Advice: When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.
Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
Acton's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Ade's Law: Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry.
Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
Alan's Law of Research: The theory is supported as long as the funds are.
Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions.
Alley's Axiom: Justice always prevails . . . three times out of seven.
Anderson's Law: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Law of Annoyance: When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Laws of Applied Confusion: The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.
Corollary: Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven't even made it.
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Army Law: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.
Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms:
Numbers are tools, not rules.
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.
Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance.
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
The product of an arithmetical computation is the answer to an equation; it is not the solution to a problem.

Doctor: and when's the last time you drank alcohol?

Me: what day is it?

Doctor: Thursday

Me: today

One thing nobody ever talks about when you're an adult, is how much time you debate yourself about keeping a cardboard box because it's, like, a really good box.

How did the person who first invented the clock, know what time is was?

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

My wife left me a note before leaving for work which read..

"Put washing on - do 2 hour cycle"

It took me 4 hours to buy a bike and ride home so didn't have time for the laundry.

My company is offering a time management class I desperately need, but I can't work it into my schedule!

I just realized that the only time I'm good at dancing is when I'm about to pee my pants.

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."
- Marcus Aurelius

Later is the best time to do anything.

“Every time you light a lighter,the lighter the lighter is”.

"Understand me. I am not an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I don't have time for things that have no soul.”
~ Charles Bukowski

I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a coin in the jar.
The jar is currently half empty.

Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.

"What time is it?"
I don't know... it keeps changing.

My wife thinks I spend too much time talking to random people on line.
What do you think?

"One of the greatest problems of our time is that many are schooled but few are educated."

• Thomas More

By the time you realize, what your parents said was RIGHT You'll have kids who begin to think you're WRONG.

“Dad, I failed my test.”
“Well, I think it’s time to get your eyes checked.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’m your mom.”

Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

We are all time travelers... moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring.

I want to like mornings but I can’t because they happen at the wrong time of day.

Daniel Craig appeared grey in his latest Bond film cause he had no time to dye.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

The wife says we need to have a chat about my childish behaviour.

Like I've got time for that during conker season.

Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of... I wake up.

Boss: I need you here on time and ready to work.
Me: Pick one bro...

In my spare time I make clocks that go backwards.

What do you do to unwind?

When chuck Norris went to college he told his dad it was time to step up and be man of the house.

How does being pregnant make you feel?
Like a superhero. Well, a really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and isn’t allowed to lift heavy objects.

Why do you get 7 years of bad luck when you break a mirror?
So it gives you enough time to reflect on your mistake.

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner ~ he’s a boxer.

Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

My missus is an absolute saint who goes out of her way to help anyone in need. Only last week I came home early from work and there she was, giving up her own time to help my mate Dave study for his exam.
I didn't even know he was training to be a gynaecologist.

Advice please: is it okay to ask my wife what time tea is ready,
Or should I wait until she's finished cleaning the car ?

I bought five watches the other day. I have a lot of time on my hands....

Texting typos can change your life.

"Having a great time wish you were her"

The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point.

What's the perfect amount of time to microwave your popcorn?

I can't tell you, it's pop secret.

HUSBANDS ARE LIKE WINE... THEY TAKE A LONG TIME TO MATURE!

Every time I walk through baggage reclaim at an airport, I burst into tears. I'm case sensitive.

Husband:Are you ready yet love? We need to leave now if we’re going to be on time to see Les Miserables.
Wife: I’m coming dear, and I really wish you wouldn’t refer to our visits to my parents like that Pierre!!

I feel like as if for what that I sometimes but not all the time I use too many words in a sentence that I don’t really necessarily have to or need to.

My girlfriend said she needs time and space. I think she's calculating velocity. She's so smart.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

I had lunch at the Time Travel Buffet and went back four seconds.

Judge to defendant - "Have you ever been up before me?"
Defendant - "I'm not sure, what time do you normally wake up?"

Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.