Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German 'dat is de Four-sprung Duck technique'

"Understand me. I am not an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I don't have time for things that have no soul.”
~ Charles Bukowski

Gene Simmons is writing a scandalous novel about his time in the band. It’s going to be a Kiss and tell book.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

A time traveller.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?

- I spent yesterday really studying glass containers with lids.
- Day jar view?
- No, it’s the first time I’ve ever done it

“The years are flying past and we all waste so much time wondering if we dare to do this or that. The thing is to leap, to try, to take a chance.”
Leonard Cohen

Wife: Darling, we should get married again on our 25th anniversary.
Man: Yeah, and this time let’s choose our partners wisely!!!

By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

Doctor: and when's the last time you drank alcohol?

Me: what day is it?

Doctor: Thursday

Me: today

“You either like me or you don’t. It took me twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else.”
— Daniel Franzese

The worst possible time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

My first flat was so close to Heathrow airport, that every time I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, a stewardess told me to get back to my seat!

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
• J.R.R. Tolkein
The Fellowship of the Ring

I don't go swimming because it's never been 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

She was a terrible carpenter. She wasted too much time painting her nails.

think i might wear two pairs of trousers next time i play golf, just in case i get a ‘hole in one’

Einstein developed a theory about space, and about time too!

“Doctor, Every time I go out people start hitting me with sticks”.
“And why do you think that is Mr Piñata?”

I heard a really good time travel joke tomorrow.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,.. Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of. The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green, I love your legs and what’s in between. I like your style, I like your class, But most of all I love your ass.
And to the other girl he wrote:
* * * Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly! Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Every time you close a tap after washing your hands you get back some of the germs you left on the tap when you were opening it.

I've got a part time job for a company making rubberised computer keyboards.
They offer flexible shifts.

First time I saw a dry erase board I said that "remarkable".

I held up my clock to a mirror. It was time for reflection.

Why is 4 o'clock in the morning the best time to cook sweet potatoes?
Because it is for a yam!

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

Here are some genuine aptronyms (a person's name that is regarded as amusingly appropriate to their occupation)

Alan Ball, English footballer who played in England's 1966 World Cup winning team.
Anna Smashnova, tennis player.
Billy Drummond, American jazz drummer.
Bob Flowerdew, gardener and Gardeners' Question Time panellist.
Bob Rock, rock music producer, including Metallica and Bon Jovi.
Brenda Song, singer.
Cecil Fielder and his son Prince Fielder, baseball players.
Jaime Gold winner of 2006 World Series of Poker
Chuck Long, former NFL quarterback for the Detroit Lions and the Los Angeles Rams.
Henry Head, an English neurologist.
Igor Judge, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales .
Learned Hand, judge.
Lord Brain, neurologist.
Marc Rich, billionaire financier.
Margaret Court, tennis player.
Margaret Spellings, Education Secretary under George W. Bush.
Peter Bowler, cricketer who was, in fact, primarily a batsman.
Pippa Greenwood, plant pathologist and "Gardeners' Question Time" panellist in the UK.
Scott Free a defence attorney.
Thomas Crapper, manufacturer of Victorian toilets. Please note that the word "crap" predates Mr Crapper.] .
Tiger Woods, golfer [A wood is a type of golf club].
Usain Bolt, Jamaican sprinter, Olympic Gold medalist, 100m and 200m world record holder.
William Wordsworth, poet.

Fun game for parents:
Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

I heard if you push the accelerator and brake pedal at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

IKEA has been taken to court over faulty luggage. I hear prosecutors are having a really difficult time putting a case together.

My email password got hacked again...

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat!

My wife! Honestly! Such a dirty, lazy person. Every time I go for a pee in the sink it’s full of unwashes dishes!

Next time someone says “I can’t stand it anymore,” ask them if they tried sitting it down. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Once upon a time there was a Knight who was in battle and was attacked from all sides. His name was Sir Ounded.

Every time my son asks me to put his shoes on, I tell him they won’t fit me.

If I had a penny for every time I exaggerated, I'd be a billionaire.

Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final.

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now.

I want to talk about hot dogs. It's time for a frank conversation.

My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified because last time something that big hit the ground the dinosaurs died.

That's the last time I buy anything from eBay. I put in a bid for the worlds largest box...

It's just arrived now and I've been conned. The box it came in was bigger!

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not fit enough to do it, you’ve got a long walk home.

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back,
"This is no time to be superstitious."

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.
When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Al would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Ben would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.

They started to climb the stairs, and Al started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Ben and Carl were laughing hysterically.

Then Ben started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Al and Carl were hugging each other in fear.

Then Carl started to tell sad stories. "I'll tell my saddest story of all first," he said. "There once was a man named Carl who left his hotel room key in the car..."

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?
She obviously didn't give a fuck.

A man returns to his home town in Russia after 30 years. He sees a shoe shop that he remembers from his time living there and goes in. He tells the owner "I remember this shop. I left a pair of shoes here for repair 30 years ago before escaping to the West." The owner says "Yes, I remember you. Wait just a moment", and disappears to a back room. After a minute or so he reappears and tells the man "They'll be ready next Thursday. "