Dream Big with These Funny Jokes About Dreams.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.

Guy goes to a shrink.
What seems to be the problem?

The guy says, I keep having this recurring dream I’m an auto mechanic.
The shrink says, OK get under the couch.

Czecinski's Conclusion: There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.

Someone has your dream job and seriously hates working everyday.

Never too young to start an empire. Never too old to chase a dream.

if your code works on the first try wake up you're dreaming.

Follow your dreams, but don't forget to pay the bills.

Just landed my dream job as a puppeteer.

Had to pull a few strings to get it though.

Remember: The only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

My wife keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like Hobbit!, Gandalf!, and Mordor!. Always Tolkien in her sleep...

I've been having strange dreams of me sitting in a canoe, that's five nights in a row now.

Had one dream of me drowning in a Japanese seafood dish think I might be sushicidal.

I dreamt last night that I knighted a fish...

it was Sir eel.

Last night I had a terrible dream that I had to make a thousand pancakes.
I was tossing and turning all night long!

- Just because you haven’t met the
woman of your dreams yet;
Doesn’t mean you ever will.

Czecinski's Conclusion: There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.

Cohen's Laws of Politics:

Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.

I just got my dream job in cell phone sales. I always knew this was my calling.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.
"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What can I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute half the government and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part" says Stalin.

Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed... and clean the whole house while she sleeps.

My dream date is rolling around in the bubble wrap together after opening my Amazon delivery.

Me: I’ve found my dream home! How much?
Him: Ma’am, this is a public library.

I tell people to follow their dreams. Or follow whatever, just get away from me.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Unless your name is Dr. Martin Luther King Junior I have no desire to hear about your dream.

Last night I dreamed I was a mortgage.

When I woke up, I was a loan.

They're ignoring you?

Good, now you have the freedom to quietly work on your dreams.

"If you have a dream, don't waste your energies explaining why."

- Paulo Coelho

I know he didn’t dream of me because he slept well.

If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that's technically a dream come true.

“I dream of painting and then I paint my dream”
- Vincent van Gogh

A dessert dreamed of flying. It was pie in the sky.

I dreamed last night that I was on stage, singing "Shiny Happy People". I assume this dream occurred during REM sleep.

"The soul is silent. If it speaks at all it speaks in dreams."

~ Louise Gluck

Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of... I wake up.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

“All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.”
- Walt Disney

Don't follow your dreams. Chase them.

“Society often forgives the criminal; it never forgives the dreamer.”
By Oscar Wilde, THE CRITIC AS ARTIST

I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night. My dreams have never been clearer.

In dreams she is mine,
In reality she is a dream.

Last night I had a dream that John Lennon and Gary Barlow formed a supergroup...
Imagine that!

My girlfriend said she had a dream where I cheated on her
So I went out that night and picked up a girl at the bar. I want to make all my girlfriend's dreams to come true.

Dad's do NOT snore! We simply dream we're a motorcycle.

My girlfriend awoke and said she dreamed she was a small sailboat...
I replied, "well, you've always been a little dinghy!"

I had a dream I was a plumber. It was just a pipe dream.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

It's never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it's too late.

Yesterday I went to a BBQ and met the grill of my dreams.

Three friends go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

If you find a toilet in your dream, don’t use it.