Jokes About Hate - Turn Negativity into Laughter and Fun!

I hate family reunions.
I see too many of my ex’s there.
#incestjoke

I can't tell you how much I hate going to the gym when I can't find a parking place close to the door...

Took the dog for a walk yesterday, I remembered to take poo bags...
Although, my wife really hates that nickname.

What should you do to a person that hates puns?
You must fucking punish them.

Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?
Taiwanasaurus.

I hate capitalism, so i always type my messages in lowercase. i also hate racism, and refuse to run 100 metres.

My dad hated me when I was a kid. I remember asking him if I could go ice skating on the lake and he said maybe when it gets a little warmer.

Your secrets are safe with me. Mostly because my memory is shit and I hate everyone.

My resumé is just a long list of stuff I hate doing.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled...

I hate it when people just won’t let go of the past…. Debt collectors are the worst.

I hate strip clubs. I had a bad experience in one once.

Got taken to one for my birthday this one time. As the strippers did their thing, I quickly ran completely out of bills. Thought I saw a place to swipe my credit card though ...

You wouldn't believe the commotion when I tried it.

I hate talking to people who, ‘Spray it, when they say it.’
They irrigate me.

I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point.

That awkward moment when an artist you hate releases a good song.

I hate people who think I'm a misanthrope almost as much as I hate the idiots who don't realise I really am a misanthrope.

So happy to be married, I hated all those questions after 1-night stands. Who are you, where am I, why am I tied up?

Don't hate your haters, they already hate themselves.

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
— Martin Luther King Jr.

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound.

Doctor: The nurse says you have a hearing problem

Me: Yes. I hate fish

D: No. That’s herring

Me: What?

Scrabble? I hate that game so much....... I can't put it into words

I hate when people think they know more than me… and then they do.

"I hate working from home today!"
-- George, 47, fireman

People love air-conditioning because it’s cool.
People hate vacuuming because it sucks.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.”

― Elie Wiesel

I can't tell you how much I hate going to the gym when I can't find a parking place close to the door...

Dad: As I get older, I realize I hate taking the kids to the playground. There so much screaming and yelling.

Mom: Kids do love screaming.

Dad: I’m talking about me!

My dentist is originally from Boston.
I hate going to see him, as you always know it's going to be more than a filling.

Truth is like poetry.
And most people fucking hate poetry.

I treat my haters like AM radio, I just don't listen to them.

I love when people I’ve never heard of hate me.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.

I like school. I just hate the learning part.

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato!

I Hate That Feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.

I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts!

I hate peer pressure and so should you!

I don't hate school, I just hate the teachers, the homework, the tests and waking up in the morning!

I don’t hate you…I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.

I hate when I’m trying to eat a salad and it accidentally falls in the trash and then I have to eat pizza instead.

I hate it when I see an old person, then realize that we went to high school together.

Hot take: people who say ‘I hate to tell you this’, actually love to tell you that.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Everyone has one friend that they secretly hate.

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”

By André Gide, Autumn Leaves

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get doughnuts.

You know what I hate about voicemail messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...
He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!!" Complained the man.

Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

"Fine." Said the man, "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account."

"Done" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth. Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars in his bank account.

"My second wish is to have a 12 inch penis."

"Done" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

"What is your last wish?" The genie asks.

The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me."

I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status, it reminds me of somebody I used to know.

I hate explaining my own jokes. Mostly because I don't get them either.

Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.

I hate long distance relationships. That's why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.

I hate it when people don't know the difference between Ur and U'r.