Jokes About Hate - Turn Negativity into Laughter and Fun!

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
— Martin Luther King Jr.

I don't hate school, I just hate the teachers, the homework, the tests and waking up in the morning!

I hate it when I gain 15 pounds for a role, only to realize I'm not even an actor.

Wife: "You hate my relatives!"
Husband: "No, I don’t!, in fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine."

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get doughnuts.

You know what I hate about voicemail messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...
He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!!" Complained the man.

Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

"Fine." Said the man, "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account."

"Done" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth. Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars in his bank account.

"My second wish is to have a 12 inch penis."

"Done" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

"What is your last wish?" The genie asks.

The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me."

I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status, it reminds me of somebody I used to know.

I hate explaining my own jokes. Mostly because I don't get them either.

Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.

I hate long distance relationships. That's why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.

I hate it when people don't know the difference between Ur and U'r.

“No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth.”
― Plato

When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do.
As an adult, you live for them.

I may hate waiting but I love procastinating.

I hate visiting the stables with my wife.
All it is is nag, nag, nag.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning. I don't know whose side I am on.

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

Wife: "You hate my relatives!"
Husband: "No, I don’t!, in fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine."

Getting a divorce is like getting fired from a job you’ve hated for years.

"Do you ever think of me?"
"Yes, but I hate to tell you what."

I'm sorry we fought.

I hate it when you're wrong.

I really, really hate it when people repeat a word for emphasis.

What should you do to a person that hates puns?
You must fucking punish them.

Why do trees hate test?
The questions stump them!

I’m a mathematician but I hate negative numbers.

I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

You: "I hate oyings."
Me: "What is an oying?"
You: "Your jokes"

What game does an emo hate the most?

Cut the Rope.

I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do!!

Don't you just hate it when people forget what they're meant to say at weddings?
I know I do.

I used to hate time travel when I was older.

Future you probably hates you.

What veggies do sailors hate most?
Leeks!

Don't you hate it when the doctor's checking your prostate, and you realise both his hands are on your shoulders ?

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I know I do.

I absolutely HATE Underaged Drinking!!!
A good Scotch should be at least 20 years old!!!

I hate it when people say age is only a number.
Age is clearly a word!

I am so fed up with people, at times i hate being a cannibal.

I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.

I hate getting my picture taken.

Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.

You know what I hate?

People who answer their own questions.

I hate shower sex.
It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

I hate it when I gain 15 pounds for a role, only to realize I'm not even an actor.

Doctor said: "Come over here to the window and put your tongue out please".
I said: "Why, is the light better over there?"
He said: "No, I just hate the man in the office block opposite".

I don’t hate leg day at the gym.
It’s the two days after I can’t stand!

My wife hated my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

her: I hate to lose

me: really? that’s my favourite French city

I wish Oxford and Cambridge would settle their differences.
I do hate to see them rowing.

The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

Two things which everyone hates :
1. change
2. the way things are.

People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

Some days I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

I hate people who use the same word twice in a sentence!...
Enough is enough!