Morning Jokes - Start Your Day with a Burst of Laughter.

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

A man was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

What would be different if men were the ones who got pregnant?
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay, and morning sickness would rank as the nation’s number one health problem.

Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee.
I really should move that mirror.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

It was so cold this morning, that I actually saw a GANGSTER pull up his pants.

My wife of 30 years became a Nun.
Nun in the morning,
Nun in the afternoon & Nun at Night!!..

My email wasn't working this morning so I asked my magic 8 ball why...

It said "outlook not so good."

“If you get up in the morning and think the future is going to be better, it is a bright day. Otherwise, it’s not.”

– Elon Musk

I don't hate school, I just hate the teachers, the homework, the tests and waking up in the morning!

I was rude to an old man in a stupid wig this morning.

He had the last laugh though, he sentenced me to three years.

Me: "I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning."
My co-worker: "It's pronounced 'croissant' and you ate 4 of them."

I say "MORNING" instead of "GOOD MORNING" because if it was a "good" morning I'd still be in my bed and not talking to people!

I took my car for a service this morning
The vicar told me to get out as I was blocking the aisle.

The Earth’s rotation is caused by Chuck Norris’s morning jog.

My son video called me this morning. He said “Dad, couldn’t you have given me a better name than video?"

I have a leg less dog named cigarette. Every morning I take him out for a drag.

Worried that the milk I bought this morning has come from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly the same as a bottle I bought yesterday.

Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night.

I want to like mornings but I can’t because they happen at the wrong time of day.

I forgot how to put my seatbelt on this morning, but finally it clicked!

Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep.
It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

When my wife woke up this morning she asked me what I was doing on the laptop
I told her I was looking for cheap flights
She gave me a kiss and cooked bacon & eggs for breakfast
I thought that was unusual as she's never shown any interest in me playing darts before

What would be different if men were the ones who got pregnant?
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay, and morning sickness would rank as the nation’s number one health problem.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think well better luck next time.

Walked into a music shop and the manager said, “Good morning”. I said “You too”. He said, “Second aisle on the left”.

Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.
It’s a running joke.

This morning I made a Belgian waffle. Later, in the afternoon I made a Frenchman hesitate.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.

'Good morning Sir, may I ask who your current Internet provider is?'
Me: 'Some guy next door'.

You should always get married in the morning. So if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day!

I wake up every morning with the joy and excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.

My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today.
I learned a lot.
For example, apparently I have two kids.

So this man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.
When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

I bought coconut shampoo this morning..
I've only just realised I don't even have a coconut.

I woke up in the fireplace this morning. I guess you can say I slept like a log.

If your morning is not going according to plan, you've got to learn to just latte be.

Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early.

I said to my mate: "I saw an octopus rob a bank this morning!"
He said: "Did he have a gun?"
I said: "No, but he was well armed"

I slept under my car last night because I needed to get up oily this morning.

Got home from the pub at 4am this morning and the wife was waiting at the front door holding a rolling pin..

I said.."What the hell are you baking at this hour?"

The wife's coffee was so bad this morning,
it was grounds for divorce!

I was up
In court this morning for theft of coffee. I got off.
Luckily I had a good barista.

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk."
Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

Saw a fight this morning between a rabbit & a hedgehog...the hedgehog won on points!

So I went into my local printers this morning and said, "I need a 6 foot A, a 6 foot S and a 6 foot K, and I need them by tomorrow".
He said, "I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask...”

So I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said:
'Do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said: 'No, not at all'..
He said: 'Kiss?'
I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.'

To the person who lost their iPhone on the bus this morning...Can you please stop calling my new phone..It's fcuking annoying me.

A young woman went into a pet shop one morning and mumbled: “Do you sell large white bears?”
“No, I’m afraid we don’t,” said the sales assistant.
And the woman left.
The next day, she was back again, “Do you sell large white bears?” she asked.
“No I’m afraid we don’t,” said the same assistant.
And the woman left.
The next day she was back again. “Do you sell large white bears?” She asked.
“No we don’t,” said the assistant. “And this is the third day you’ve come in and asked me that.”
I’m so sorry,” said the young woman, “but I can’t help it. You see, I have buy polar disorder.”

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.
So I don't.

So I went to the doctors this morning...
I said to the receptionist: "I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me".
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"Yes, he will do.", I said.

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

Woke up this morning to find the hamster cage badly smashed up against the wall.
The vet said he'd fallen asleep at the wheel !