Morning Jokes - Start Your Day with a Burst of Laughter.

Saw a man in the cemetery and said “Morning”.
He said “No I’m just walking the dog”!

The police knocked on my door this morning.
"Do the letters H.B mean anything to you?" they asked.
"No," I said.
"What about G.D. then?"
"Nope means nothing to me," I said
"How about A.J?"
"Look," I said, "am I suspected of something?"
"Not at all sir," they said, "we're just making some initial inquiries."

Did you know the bible says men should make the coffee every morning?
There’s a whole book about it called Hebrews.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

Every morning after waking up, the first thing that I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

A doctor's toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber. The plumber said "It's early hours of the morning can't it wait?" The doc said "If you were ill I'd have to come out".
The plumber said "Fair enough" and called at the docs.
He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said "Give it a few days and if it's still the same give me a call"

I couldn't get my fridge to work this morning, so I took the bus instead.

My wife's friend: do you ever wake up sweaty in the morning?
My wife: no, he has his own alarm.

Tried a new drink this morning .............Vodka & Listerine

Stops me being a foul mouthed bastard when i'm drunk ....

After a night of drugs, drink and dancing I got pulled over by the police in the early hours of the morning,As I stumbled out of my car the copper started checking my number plate, got on his radio and said " Charlie, Whiskey, Tango"I thought "how the fuck does he know what I've been doing tonight"

My neighbour banged on my wall at 3am this morning ,luckily i was still up listening to music ,and he shouts can you please give me a little respect, and I said coming right up ,I love erasure, too.

A race horse and a cart horse are stabled next to each other. The cart horse says to the race horse, " You have a really easy life! Every morning they put a harness onto me and make me pull a really heavy load! If I don`t go fast enough I get hit with a whip!"
"Hah", says the race horse, " I get to have a human put on my back and made to run and run and run. If I don`t go quick enough I get whacked with a whip!"
Just then a sheepdog walks into the stable. "Listen to you two moaning about life!"
"Flipping heck!" says the race horse, "A talking dog!"

A man's wife hits him across the head.He says "What's that for?"She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it".Quick as a flash he says "that's the name of a horse i bet on today, you silly cow"she apologizes.A week later she hits him with a frying pan!He say's, "what the fuck was that for?".She replies. "Your fuckin horse phoned this morning !

I called my doctors surgery this morning.
"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "everything in my ear is echoing."
"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"
I said, "Morrow, orrow, row, ow."

My family were so poor when i was a child that if i didn't wake up on Christmas morning with a hard on.

I had nothing to play with.....

Man looks at his friend and says "if you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt would you tell anyone? " The friend says im a disgusted tone “No” So the man says “ok let’s go camping”

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing!.
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………
Then I remembered
Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

My new blonde girlfriend woke me up this morning and said "Hey, how about a early morning blowjob?"
I said, "You're crazy, you don't even have a penis." and rolled back to sleep.
Honestly , These blondes, thick as shit some of them.!!!

My wife greeted me on the doorstep this morning wearing a sexy see thru negligee !!!

I wouldn't of normally minded but she was just fucking coming home !!

I put a DVD on eBay this morning.
I've just checked and it says that 6 people are watching it.
Fucking Bastards, you can't trust anyone nowadays !!

This morning, I lifted a sack full of electric bulbs
They were so light.

Just got a letter from Screw Fix Direct this morning thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency!!

One cow : " I got artificially inseminated this morning, you know."
Other cow : "No way ! "
First cow : "Yeah, straight up - no bull ."

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."
Kurt Vonnegut

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside - remembering all the times you've felt that way.”

Charles Bukowski

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped
over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over
you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was
my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't
see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've
never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and
a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind
of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well,
what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold,
you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN"

“Come on in,” said one friend to the other.
“Does he bite?” he asked pointing at the dog.
“That’s what I want to find out. I only got him this morning.”

I was having breakfast in a cafe this morning and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

There was a tap on my door this morning,
I really must get a new plumber.

A 3ft tall man knocked at my door this morning.
I said: "Who are you?"
He said: "I'm the meter man".

This morning I noticed my neighbour was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor old buggar thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog. We laughed so much together !!

I was in the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.
Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.!!

The kids had to recite a rhyme in class the following morning.
That morning Mary started:
Mary had a little hen
she kept it in a bucket
and every time she let it out
the rooster would chase it
"Mary! that doesn't rhyme!!" said the teacher
"It will when the rooster catches the bastard" said Little Johnny.

I got kicked out of my morning commute gang for turning off the fan because I was feeling cold in the helicopter.

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you will rise and shine!

I missed the bus this morning....in hindsight I realize I should stop having such a sentimental attachment with public transportation...

Why is it so dark in my garden?
I planted several bulbs this morning.

I got chatting to this woman at the bus-stop this morning and she told me that people call her Vivaldi.
I asked her: “Is that because you’re a brilliant violinist?" She said: “No, it’s because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi.“

This morning I was shaving my private part and I was using my phone camera as a mirror. Everything was going very well not until I started getting likes on Facebook.

Called the vets this morning...
Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."
Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"
Me: "He's holding his head to one side."
Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"
Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

My bag for life died this morning. Should I be worried?

Did you know the bible says men should make the coffee every morning?
There’s a whole book about it called Hebrews.

Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times. Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.

People don't think the grass be wet in the morning, but it dew.

I accidentally used the dog shampoo this morning. I'm feeling like a good boy today!

I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, "Yes, i've got a dog."
She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"
I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

Woke the wife up this morning by hitting her with a jigsaw...........
"What was that for" she said with a puzzled look on her face.

I went to see my doctor this morning.
"Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.
"So why are you telling me?" he asked.
"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"

An eldery woman goes to the doctor :
-Good morning Doctor, do you recognize me?
-Yes I do, you came last week for a strength problem. I gave you some medicines. Any problem with it?
-Yes indeed... I can't open the box...

I asked my Dad “What’s the difference between weight and mass?”
“Well, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earth’s gravity.
Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.”

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

I appeared in court this morning.

The Judge was very impressed with my magic trick.

A lorry carrying tinned corned beef collided with a truck load of potatoes causing chaos on the road this morning
A bystander said: I don't know what the traffic police are doing to reopen the road.. But they seem to be making a hash of it.