Morning Jokes - Start Your Day with a Burst of Laughter.

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning
Nestles in the afternoon

What did the mystical fire breathing beast say when he was really tired getting out of bed?
"Man, I'm really dragon this morning!"

The kids had to recite a rhyme in class the following morning.
That morning Mary started:
Mary had a little hen
she kept it in a bucket
and every time she let it out
the rooster would chase it
"Mary! that doesn't rhyme!!" said the teacher
"It will when the rooster catches the bastard" said Little Johnny.

My phone rang on the bus this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me," , "I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing just then and I'm pretty sure it was Beyoncé, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna..."

I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mom.".....

There was a tap on my door this morning,
I really must get a new plumber.

Feeling pretty good.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now.
Cap’n in the morning and Nestles in the afternoon.

Why is 4 o'clock in the morning the best time to cook sweet potatoes?
Because it is for a yam!

I got a rapid test this morning and I am NOT rapid.

So I was getting into my car this morning, and this bloke says to me: "Can you give me a lift?"
I said: "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
👍☺️

A man knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"

I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she has gone shopping!"

I got my test results back this morning, and I'm shocked to find that I've been diagnosed with OCD.
I've rung the doctor's nine times to check if they're correct.

"You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery."

I wake up every morning with the joy and excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.

Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face-down and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do...

Then I remembered that McDonald's do breakfast until 10.30!

I saw a Cop on the roof of our local police office this morning, just sitting there thinking.
He had ideas above his station...

I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said:
'Do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said: 'No, not at all'..
He said: 'Kiss?'
I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.'

I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.

Neil Diamond makes the same healthy smoothie every morning...

Swede, carrots, lime...

A well dressed and wealthy looking couple entered an inline skate store somewhere in the more affluent part of Hollywood. The store clerk greets them warmly:"Good morning Sir, Madam. Please feel free to browse and I will be here if you require assistance", obviously smelling some commission.

"Thank you", acknowledged the couple and soon after they returned to the store clerk with a pair of Dunlop inlines.
"We'll take these", announced the husband
The somewhat snooty store clerk was mildly taken aback said:"Sir I can tell you're here to do business and not waste anyone's time, so why not look at our more exclusive range? We have the best in Nike, Adidas, Reebok, Spalding and many more. Why are you settling for Dunlop's?"

Husband replies:"Oh it's for our daughter's birthday. She just became a teen and this is her first pair of skates. We are happy with the Dunlops for now thank you.", and on that note they paid and left.

Moments later another customer enters and the clerk says:"Morning and welcome. Please feel free to look at our exclusive range with only the best names in sport"

The customer replies:"I just need a pair of cheap skates for every day use"

Clerk signals to the door with his head and said:"Sorry sir, but the last pair just left the shop..."

Not many ladies at the German food market this morning.
It was a real Sausage fest.

A man was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

I said to my girlfriend on Christmas morning.. Babe, I'd like to make you mine...
I'd love that she replied with tears in her eyes..
I said great, I've bought you a pick, now go and find me some gold.

Breaking: due to panic buying, police were called to Tesco's this morning as a fight broke out in the toilet roll aisle.

A spokesperson said that they managed to calm the situation

Although one shopper has been left with soft tissue damage.

I met an Australian IT specialist this morning, she comes from the LAN downunder.

Q: Why is so hard to wake up in the morning?

A: Newton’s First Law: A body at rest wants to stay at rest.

I went to my sex addicts class this morning. My councilor thinks l've come a long way. She believes this is because l no longer see women as mere sex objects and can appreciate them as equals...

Sounds like she's after a good shag if you ask me!

Your mama is so ugly
Your dad wakes up with morning wouldn’t.

I went to the doctor this morning with a snooker ball stuck in my ear. The receptionist told me to wait at the end of the cue.

I came down stairs this morning and found my dog stuck on the fridge door.
I think he’s eaten the magnets again.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee.
I really should move that mirror.

- Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
- That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

A guy couldn’t get out of his bed in the morning because of depression. Then the depression woke up and said:
-Honey are you awake?

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right & exercise
But that was 4 hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Whats everyone using to scrape ice of their windows these days ?
I used a discount card out of my wallet this morning. Wasn’t much good, I only got 20% off.

Why do worms hate getting up in the morning?
Because the early bird catches the worm!

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off, I went back this morning to complain.
The tattoo parlour wasn't there.

The little kid sat on the side of the road with a fishing line down the drain. Feeling sorry for him, and wanting to humor him, a lady gave him 50 cents, and kindly asked “How many have you caught?” “You’re the tenth this morning,” was the reply.

If I go to sleep at 5 in the morning, does it mean early or late ?

Yesterday morning I called my neighbour to ask if he and his wife could enjoy each other a little more quiet.
He told me he wasn't home.

My neighbour is an avid gardener.
He was up digging at three in the morning.

And he's so good that the next day the police came to see his work.

I stood waving to my neighbour for 10 minutes this morning before realising she was cleaning her windows.

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "200 dollars, please."

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"
He said, "you've got perfect vision."

Two old guys chatting about sleeping.
First guy: I am having trouble sleeping every single night.

Second guy: I sleep like a baby, I wake up in the morning, no hair, no teeth and I have fucking shit myself again.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife.
"You're too fat".

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

On New Year’s Eve, Chuck Norris promised that he’d lose 20 pounds. The next morning he shaved his chest and smiled as he realized that he’d lost 30.

Went into the library this morning and I asked the woman there for a book about turtles. 'Hardback?' she asked. I nodded 'Yeah, and little heads.

My Ex texted me this morning
"Wish you were here"
He always does that when he walks through a cemetery.

I had mushrooms on toast this morning.
Breakfast of champignons...

My phone rang on the bus this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me," , "I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing just then and I'm pretty sure it was Beyoncé, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna..."

I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mom.".....