Expect the Unexpected: Hilarious Surprise Jokes.

A woman hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
Her husband is surprised: "Wow, that was quick love- usually you are at it for two hours at least!"
Wife replies: "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

- What do you do for a living?
- I throw surprise parties.
- Oh. That’s not what I expected.
- Yeh. That’s the idea.

I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”
...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.

My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change?”

I said, “Actually the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes.

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my gf started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.
I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

I heard that Mike Tyson likes play station. I'm surprised, I always thought of him as an xboxer.

If you think female squirt isn't piss.
Then Urine for a big surprise.

I bought some sexy crotchless panties in Victoria's Secret today.
"A surprise for the wife?" asked the cashier.
"Maybe" I replied, "It all depends on whether she catches me wearing them or not."

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

I recently read the top 10 facts about diarrhea.

Number 2 surprised me.

Me: Are You Bi ?
Her: Yeah, i am.
Me: Have you told your parents ?
Her: Yes. Why are you asking ?
Me: That must’ve taken them.. bi surprise.

I did not expect such a big animal to come out of a small dwelling. Talk about an elephant of surprise!

The Planes Indians practiced polygamy, and one chief had three squaws.
The first squaw lived in a teepee of elk hide, the second in a teepee made of buffalo hide, and the youngest in a teepee of hippopotamus hide.
Then he slept with each wife on the eve of his great hunting trip.
He was gone nine moons and when he returned, he went into the elk hide teepee and found that his wife had borne him a son. Likewise, in the buffalo hide teepee, that squaw, too, had borne him a son. So, imagine his surprise when he found twin baby boys in the hippopotamus hide teepee.
This just proves that ...

The squaw of the hippopotomus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

Politicians' Rules:

When the polls are in your favor, flaunt them.
When the polls are overwhelmingly unfavorable, either (a) ridicule and dismiss them or (b) stress the volatility of public opinion.
When the polls are slightly unfavorable, play for sympathy as a struggling underdog.
When too close to call, be surprised at your own strength.

Cohen's Laws of Politics:

Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.

A new element has been added to the periodic table designated with the letters AH. It is of course the element of surprise.

What does a cannibal see in a pregnant woman?

A Kinder Surprise.

I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue. I was surprised.

Australians usually boo meringue...

My girlfriend is throwing me a surprise birthday party. I know about it but it’ll be a surprise for my wife.

My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.

"Expecting things to be bad is the best way to be pleasantly surprised when they’re not."

- The Psychology of Money

I was surprised to find out that the 'element of surprise' is not there on the periodic table.

I just ate 10 whole Kinder eggs.
I'm just full of surprises.

I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

Friend: you’re obsessed with murder.
Me: I’m surprised you would choose those as your last words.

I always knew I'd get old.
How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

I thought I’d surprise my wife for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Oh.”

- What do you do for a living?
- I throw surprise parties.
- Oh. That’s not what I expected.
- Yeh. That’s the idea.

Just tried ringing Dyson because my vacuum isn't working properly and what a surprise, they aren’t picking up either.

"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.

How do you say unintended pregnancy in German?
Kinder surprise.

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

She said she liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on her window, it's all screaming and shit.

I was a bit surprised when a policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
Apparently, he wants me to trace someone for him.

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

Most of my family are police marksman, so it was a surprise my brother became a armed robber, at least he died surrounded by his family...

You would be surprised but you can make some serious dough at a pizza shop.

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party.
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.

I threw my wife a surprise bukake party.
Everyone came. You should have seen her face.

My german friend didn't realise she was pregnant until she actually gave birth.
That was a kinder surprise.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
I'm homeless now.

A man goes to the cinema and is surprised to see a pig sitting in the seat next to him. "What are you doing here?" he asked the pig. "Well, I enjoyed the book".

My wife surprised me for Father's Day. Said she got me something that uses fuel & has a top that opens & closes!

It was a cigarette lighter.

Uterus: I didn’t bleed all day yesterday — you should totally wear cute panties.
Also uterus: Surprise her.

My husband just called me pretentious.

I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

Ten interesting facts about Diarrhoea.
Number 2 might surprise you!

How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
I’m just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."