Expect the Unexpected: Hilarious Surprise Jokes.

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

I was surprised to find out that the 'element of surprise' is not there on the periodic table.

My wife told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

My girl friend broke up with me due to my inability to express my feelings.

Can't say I'm surprised.

How do you embarrass a Psychic?
Throw him a surprise party!

I bought a cheap Jack-in-the-box which doesn't work properly.
No surprises there...

Q: What is big, grey and jumps out of trees on to the unwary?
A: The elephant of surprise!

My wife told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

I failed my ventriloquist's exam.
I can't say I'm surprised.

I surprised my wife by getting Romantic last night...
Best Scrabble score I've ever had!

A woman hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
Her husband is surprised: "Wow, that was quick love- usually you are at it for two hours at least!"
Wife replies: "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

If my memory gets any worse....I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.

Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted "YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY"
I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!*”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, *"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"*
She said, *"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"*
John said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"*
*"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"* Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, *"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."*
She said, *"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa...
I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife, and a surprised mother-in-law.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

My girl friend broke up with me due to my inability to express my feelings.

Can't say I'm surprised.

My wife just surprised me by admitting she has just had plastic facial surgery yet was surprisingly tight lipped about the cost !

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

The linguist's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."

I was surprised when my dad revealed he was a mystical chemist...
He said that the world was ending and I was the only one to stop it. He handed me a blue and yellow pill and told me to swallow it. Reluctantly, I swallowed it in a big, hard gulp.

Suddenly, my legs started to run away and everything became small. I even crashed through the roof!

A dark presence started hitting my dad! He lay on the floor, shaking and aching.

"Dad! No!" I shouted, "but I'll get him back, I promise, I'm huge!"

My dad, laying in pain, whispered with his last, trembling breath...

"H-hey Huge, I'm d-dad..."

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin sister when they asked me to blow up balloons for her surprise birthday party.

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office.
As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter…
“And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair”.

I told my female colleague that she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”
...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

The gay crime boss surprised everyone by announcing he was going straight.

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
The president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland .'

I don't like surprises.
Which is why I never open my electricity bill or my bank statement.

I surprised my milkman by appearing naked at the door. He wanted to know how I knew where he lived.

I was watching an Australian cookery program and the audience cheered when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised as the Australians normally boomerang.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV..

“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the fucking darts team hadn't!

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor." 🚂

Just heard on the TV that humans eat more bananas than monkeys..
Not surprised really, can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. 🙊🙉🙈

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, wench." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky, you ugly bitch." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don't have to see that disgustingly hideous face of yours any more!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard."