Side-Splitting Comedy from the USA.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.

How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.

What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
He only comes once a year.

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
I’m as bored as a slut on her period.

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?” “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!” “Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board.
Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: “REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.

What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks “If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady.”
He replies “If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!”

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
Her navel.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
I want you inside me!

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of a low-tech model. As I told the salesperson, “I don’t need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.”