Scottish Jokes - A Barrel of Laughter from the Land of Kilts.

50% of Scotland is land.

The other 50% is Scot.

"In Scotland, the word 'fucking' is just a warning that a noun is on its way" - Frankie Boyle.

“No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

If England is on the metric system, why isn't police headquarters called Scotland Meter?

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad.

What city in Scotland reminds me of a guy with a donkey?
Ed and burro!

Old Scottish Prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.

Do you know how Scottish men find sheep in a tall field ? Very satisfying.

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...
He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

It's actually bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to call it 'The Scottish Laptop'

(In Scottish accent) Whats wrong with Mickey Mouses helicopter? Disneyland.

What’s the favorite ride of Scotsmen? Eweber. It’s sheeper than a regular taxi.

I just got my ancestry results back, turns out Im 1/3 Scotch, and 2/3 soda.

Last night, I changed a lightbulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realised my entire life is a joke....

What do Scottish frogs play? Hop-Scotch.

What is yellow, with big white hands and feet, and gets stranded in netting ?
A Scottish goalkeeper.

Did you hear about the victims in Scotland? Someone kilt them.

What happens when Dwayne Johnson visits Alcatraz while sipping single malt on ice?
You get The Rock on the Rock drinking scotch on the rocks.

A Scotsman was visiting Canada on holiday. As he checked in at the hotel, he noticed a huge head on a plaque above the reception desk.
He said to the clerk, “What on earth is that?” She answered, “It’s a moose”. The Scotsman raised his eyebrows and muttered, “Auch mon, I can’t wait to see the size of your cats”.

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea?
Bravefart.

What do Michael Jackson and the Scottish goalkeeper have in common.

They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

I absolutely HATE Underaged Drinking!!!
A good Scotch should be at least 20 years old!!!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a
Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.
The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died."
The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words:
"Janet died, Toyota for sale."

Men who chase skirts in Scotland would get Kilt !

They argued for hours over which was better: Irish whiskey or scotch. It was a very spirited debate.

This tape doesn’t even taste like Scotch.

What is a grudge?
Its where a Scotsman keeps his car.

An Englishman,an Irishman,a Scotsman and a doctor went into a pub.
The doctor said, ‘I’m awfully sorry, but I seem to be in the wrong joke.’

Sign outside a Scottish cinema,
Free admission for old age pensioners,
If accompanied by both parents.

4 blokes walk into a London pub and order 4 pints of beer.
The Landlord is serving and says "That'll be 40 pence please".
30 minutes later they order another 4 pints of beer. Again, the round comes to 40 pence. They look at each other in disbelief. One chap pipes up and asks the landlord "Excuse me Sir, we've now bought 2 rounds of drinks and haven't even spent a pound yet. How do you sell it so cheap?"
"Well", the landlord said, "A few years ago I came into a lot of money by winning the lottery. I always promised myself that I would like to buy my own pub and pass on my good fortune to others, hence why beer is 10 pence a pint ".
"Oh,wow!" said one of the men. "But tell me, there's a group of men over there sat at the table who haven't bought anything since we've been here, what's up with them? "
"Oh them" said the landlord, "They're down from Scotland for the day and are waiting for Happy Hour half-price drinks ".

"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful."
By F. Scott Fitzgerald

An Irish couple, an English couple and a Scottish couple are having breakfast together in a hotel..
The English husband says "could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" to his wife.

The Scot follows suit, says to his wife "could you pass me the honey, honey?"

The Irishman then turns to his wife and says "could you pass me the milk you fucking cow?"

A Scottish man walks into a bar..
…There’s usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they’re still at the Rugby World Cup.

What's the difference between a bald englishman and a bald scotsman?
The englishman buys himself a hat while the scotsman sells his comb.

El amor es hijo de la ilusión y padre de la desilusión (James Scott).

Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the heck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Good God! How big are the cats?"

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"

Never make fun of a Scotsman's traditional garb. You could get kilt.

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the fucking darts team hadn't!