Hilarious shrink and psychiatrist Jokes that will make your day !

My shrink thinks I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.
She said I can’t trust women who charge by the hour.

Therapist: Why do you think she’s crazy?
Me: She cooked all my food without Adobo to make me think I had Covid.

A man is talking to his psychiatrist.
Man: Doc, I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam. I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam.
Psychiatrist: Sir, you need to calm down. You’re obviously too tense.

My therapist said she wants to treat me with ygolohcysp.

But I told her reverse psychology doesn’t work on me.

My therapist said she wants to treat me with ygolohcysp.

But I told her reverse psychology doesn’t work on me.

Many years ago I was referred to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all…

I told my psychiatrist that I have been hearing voices.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

I told my psychiatrist I felt like a dog. He told me to get off the couch.

Just picked up a copy of 'Psychoanalysis for Dummies' :
it was shrink-wrapped.

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, “Hello.”
The other thinks, “I wonder what he meant by that.”

My therapist said she wants to treat me with ygolohcysp.

But I told her reverse psychology doesn't work on me.

I told my therapist so much about my mother that he doesn't like her either.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that you can get from your wife for free.

A man is talking to his psychiatrist.
Man: Doc, I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam. I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam.
Psychiatrist: Sir, you need to calm down. You’re obviously too tense.

MY WIFE IS A PSYCHOLOGIST - so not only does she know when I'm being a jerk, but she also knows exactly what type of jerk I am being!

me: i'm bored with my life.
therapist: have you tried socializing more?
me: thanks, now i'm bored and depressed.

I once heard of a psychologist who set up a kiosk at the local ATM. He wanted to help those who exhibited withdrawal symptoms!

Therapist: Why do you think she’s crazy?
Me: She cooked all my food without Adobo to make me think I had Covid.

That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our life as fate.
- Carl Jung

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist......
That kid didn't help me at all.

I asked my doctor why I keep seeing talking crickets, talking dogs, talking birds, etc. He told me I'm just having Disney spells.

The psychiatrist’s patient said she could kill for a cup of coffee. His notes reflected: patient has Latte Homicidal Tendencies.

Did you hear about the pirate that got upset every time his ship floated away...
...he had to take anchor management classes!

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

therapist: you're going through a very turbulent time.
pilot: can somebody get this guy out of the cockpit.

My friend's kid is seeing a child psychologist. I really think an adult would be better.

I recently overcame my fear of Escalators.
It was a twelve step program.

me: I'm headed to my ’Panic Mechanic’

her: can’t you just say psychiatrist?

I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” he replied, “I also like sausages.”

“Really?” I said, “You should come over to my house and see my collection.”

A woman goes to the psychiatrists carrying a duck under her arm. “What seems to be the problem?” Asked the psychiatrist. “Well it’s not me with the problem.” Said the woman, “it’s my husband, he thinks he’s a duck.”

My grief counsellor died last week, luckily he was so good I couldn't care less.

Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists collect the rent.

Last week my shrink asked me if i heard voices in my head. I told her no, but that i could hear the voices in HER head. She didn't laugh, so I diagnosed her with having HDD. She asked what that was? I told her that HDD was humour deficit disorder! and she had a bad case of it.

A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."

Psychiatrist to his blonde nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

I've decided I don't have bipolar disorder, I must have Down's Syndrome. 'cause I can handle the up's but not the down's!

Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "200 dollars, please."

An elevator walks into a psychiatrist office and says, hey Doc i think I'm out of control. The Doctor replies your an elevator in your line of work your going to have your ups and downs!

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.

Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.

A moth flew in to a physiotherapists
The physio: what is wrong?

The moth: I feel so depressed, worthless, useless to society, and I really need help.


The Moth: "The light was on".

What is a psychologist's most powerful weapon?
The shrink ray.

My brother-in-law, a clinical psychologist, says he is cutting back the days and hours of his work week.
In short his practice is shrinking.

Why did the cat see a shrink?
He had a pursonality disorder.

I'm seeing a shrink because I keep beating myself up.
Turns out my therapist is my old high school bully. He says he can help me with that.

What do you call a retired shrink ?
A shrunk.

I used to think I was a hypochondriac...
Till my shrink told me it was all in my head.

A man with an unusually large head came in to see the psychiatrist.
A few minutes later, he left the room, angrily yelling at the receptionist.

R: Sir, please calm down and tell what's making you so angry.

M: I came in to see the head shrink, but my head is still the same size!

A man goes to a psychiatrist due to a reoccurring dream...
He says to the shrink, "Sir, I've been dreaming that I wrote "The Lord of the Rings", night after night. What could this mean?"

The doctor ponders for a moment and says, "You've been Tolkien in your sleep."

Patient responds "pussy" to every Rorschach inkblot the shrink shows him.
Shrink says, "Well - you seem quite sex-obsessed."

Patient says "Waddya mean I'm sex-obsessed? YOU'RE the one showing the dirty pictures!"

The other day I snuck a peek at my shrink's notes and I saw she'd written "MESSIAH COMPLEX" in big capital letters. It caught me off guard.
I've known I'm the messiah all of my life but I've never been called complex before.

A man tells his shrink he's no longer attracted to his wife.
"For some reason I'm only aroused by small pieces of fruit."

"I've seen this before, you have Twin Syndrome.," the doc replies.

"Twin Syndrome?"

"You only come in pears."