Hilarious jokes about TWINS that will make your day !

What did the conjoined twins change their dating profile to after surgery?
Recently Separated.

If I ever have twin daughters I'll name them
Kate & Duplikate 👧👧

I saw two identical twin young ladies both wearing identical Levi's. I said to myself, "Of course, aren't identical twins supposed to have the same genes?"

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin sister when they asked me to blow up balloons for her surprise birthday party.

I just found out my wife has a twin. I saw her on Tinder.

Woman: Oh, are they twins?
Me: No, they're triplets, we leave the ugly one at home...

Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

I just found out my wife has a twin. I saw her on Tinder.

Every time I see a set of twins, I always ask them: Which one of you is the unplanned one?

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?

Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.

Apparently I’m a twin. Mom said she has a picture of when I was two.

My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"

The Planes Indians practiced polygamy, and one chief had three squaws.
The first squaw lived in a teepee of elk hide, the second in a teepee made of buffalo hide, and the youngest in a teepee of hippopotamus hide.
Then he slept with each wife on the eve of his great hunting trip.
He was gone nine moons and when he returned, he went into the elk hide teepee and found that his wife had borne him a son. Likewise, in the buffalo hide teepee, that squaw, too, had borne him a son. So, imagine his surprise when he found twin baby boys in the hippopotamus hide teepee.
This just proves that ...

The squaw of the hippopotomus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

Six short years ago my wife’s doctor was delivering pizza and monkeybread. People still say those are bad names for our twins.

If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.

I once dated twin sisters who were ballet dancers.
Sure they were attractive, but I was drawn more to two tutus.

A ballet dancer friend of mine recently had twins. He’s now a pas de deux.

My twin brother forgot my birthday.

I once dated a girl with a twin.
People asked me how I could tell them apart?..
It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a penis.

I once dated a girl with a twin.
People asked me how I could tell them apart?..
It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a penis.

Friend told me my wife and daughter look like they could be twins!

I replied: Well they were separated at birth...

My local cinema is showing 2 films about conjoined twins tomorrow. It's a double-header.

Just found out that one of my twins has the other listed in his phone contacts as Spare Parts.

I phoned my wife on the way home from work today. I said " I have finished early, shall I stop and picked up fish and chips?".

The phone went an awkward silence for a minute, I think she still regrets me naming the twins.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.
Brian has a moustache.

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party.
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.

I told my Wife I would pick Fish and Chips up on the way home and she just grunted… I think she regrets letting me pick the twins’ names.

A ballet dancer friend of mine recently had twins. He's now a pas de deux.

My Dad was a conjoined twin.
I used to call his brother....
my uncle on my dad's side. 😂

My wife has an identical twin sister that I've met once and only once...

I came home early one day when she was visiting and fucking some guy on my settee, but I've never seen her again since then!

I told this girl that people often tell me I could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's twin.
"I don't think so," she laughed, "You're fat, bald, don't work out, and are much too short!"

"I know.... Danny DeVito."

My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart.
"Not at all." he said "It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

What did the conjoined twins change their dating profile to after surgery?
Recently Separated.

I saw two identical twin young ladies both wearing identical Levi's. I said to myself, "Of course, aren't identical twins supposed to have the same genes?"

A man tells his shrink he's no longer attracted to his wife.
"For some reason I'm only aroused by small pieces of fruit."

"I've seen this before, you have Twin Syndrome.," the doc replies.

"Twin Syndrome?"

"You only come in pears."

A teacher asked the class to give a word that contains all the vowels. The twins in the back facetiously said, "Simultaneously!"

The teacher then asked the class to give a word with all the vowels in alphabetical order. The twins simultaneously responded, "Facetiously!"

My friend told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I said, "Well, they were separated at birth."

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin sister when they asked me to blow up balloons for her surprise birthday party.

3 men were waiting outside the labor ward of the hospital. A nurse came out to tell the 1st man: "Congratulations. You are the father of twins." "Twins!" he exclaimed "How about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Co.!" 5 mins later, a nurse came out to tell the 2nd man: "Congratulations. You are the father of triplets." "Triplets!" he said "What a coincidence! I work for the 3M Organization!" The 3rd man stood up & muttered: "I need some air. I work for 7-Up.

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!!

"Double trouble" is a mother-in-law with a twin sister.

My wife is going to birth twins!
If boys: Pete and Repeat;
If girls: Kate and DupliKate.

Appropriate name for identical twins.
Peter, Re-Peter.

I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.
I think she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

I once dated a twin. A friend asked how I tell them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right check and Frank has a beard.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.

The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.

At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.

And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.

Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.

The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.

"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."

"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."

This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.

He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."

The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.

The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.

"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."

If I ever have twin daughters I'll name them
Kate & Duplikate 👧👧

If I ever have twin daughters I'll name them
Kate & Duplikate. 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"