Laugh Out Loud with Hilarious German Jokes.

Every morning a huge German Shepherd poos on my front lawn.

Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog.

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini.

"Dry?"

"No, just one!"

What did one German say to another German?

Don't know, I don't speak German.

French beans are like regular beans except they surrender when they see German sausage.

I asked my German wife to give me a 69 .
She replied, “Sex, Nein!”

A German walks into a library and ask for a book on war. The librarian says Fuck off you lost the last two.

I asked the library guy for a book about tongue twisters in Deutsch, he gave me dictionary.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said nein…

What do they call pastors in Berlin?

German Shepherds.

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .
"I vish to buy sex viz you."
"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."
Helmut agrees.
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.
"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."
This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).
But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it's several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"
"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique.

How did the german spy get caught?
He went into a pub in London and ordered two whiskeys.

The bartender asked him: "Dry?"

To which he replied: "Nein, zwei"

After Walmart opened stores in Germany, it had to scrap its policy requiring employees to smile at customers because German shoppers thought it was strange.

What do they call a bra in Germany,
A stopth em from floppin.

Goonies never say die!

Germans, however, say it all the time. It's a very common word there.

I’ve just deleted all the German names from my phone. Now it’s completely Hans-free.

Hans "It's often said we Germans have no sense of humour."
Klaus "Haha, isn't that funny!"
Hans "I don't know. Is it?"

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GERMAN GYNAECOLOGIST?...................HANS ZUPPERKUNT.

Me: Do you know the square root of 81.

German friend: Nein.

Me: Correct! Thank you.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He didn't know.

“Life is too short to learn German”
― Oscar Wilde

A German got pulled over by the police in France.
Police officer: “Name?”
German: “Heinrich Klimt”
Police officer: “Age?”
German: “31”
Police officer: “occupation?”
German: “No, no. Just visiting”

No matter how wet it is, German weather is wetter.

Dont eat German fruit bread.

Its stollen.

My techie friend is launching a dating app for German philosophy majors. He Kant be sure it will catch on, though. It’s a Nietzsche market.

Do German cats have multiple lives?
Nein.

Die Hard implies the existence of Der Hard and Das Hard.

I don’t like grammar Nazis in fact I don’t get on with any of my German relatives.

Got a slice of a nice German Christmas cake in the local cafe, but can’t find it now. It’s stollen.

Germany implies the existence of Gerfew.

I've just read a great book "Driving fast in Germany" by Otto Bahn.

My friend enjoys bird watching on the German freeways.
He's a member of the National Autobahn Society.

There's a German guy that claims to have the world's longest name but I kinda doubt it because I have a friend who's name is Myles Long.

I went into a McDonald’s in Berlin and asked for 9 chicken nuggets …… they gave me an empty box !!!

I met a German Olympic Athlete and asked him “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said, "No, but how did you know my name vas Valter?"

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water and saved my precious dog.
Upon getting back up onto the bridge, he checked my puppy out and said,
“Ze dog is ok. He vill be fine.”
Due to his selfless heroic act, I asked,
"Are you a vet?"
He replied,
"VET? I'M F’ING SOAKED!"

My german friend didn't realise she was pregnant until she actually gave birth.
That was a kinder surprise.

What does the Autobahn have in common with the alphabet?
There's always a VW behind U.

Your daughter is getting you cologne for your birthday.
That's great. I've always wanted to see Germany.

My German cat is finally dead, it definitely now has nein lives.

Just deleted all the German names off my mobile phone.

Now I'm completly Hans free !!!

Puns about sausage are the wurst!

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no.

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German 'dat is de Four-sprung Duck technique'

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.

I saw a German bloke jump into a freezing cold pond to rescue a dog who was drowning!
He climbed out, handed over the dog and said “Here is ze dog, dry him off, keep him vorm, he vill be fine”
I said “Are you a vet?”
He replied “Vet?? - I’m f*****g soaking”

What happened to the car-salesman who was spamming in Germany?

He got autobahned.

@ McDonalds in Germany I ordered Nine McNuggets, they sold me an empty box.

A German shepherd is also a type of human.

My grandfather was responsible for downing 29 german planes in WWII. To date, he still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

I hate sausages. They’re the wurst.