Cowboy Jokes: Saddle Up for Wild Laughter!

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could've been avoided completely if cowboy architects had made towns big enough for everyone.

Why is cowgirl my girlfriend's favorite position?

Because she says I'm only good at fucking up.

Why do cowboys have brown mustaches?

Answer: looking for love in all the wrong places…

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...."

"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired? Because he couldn't keep his calves together.

Cowboy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "ya know what I heard?"
Bartender says, "Cattle"

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. "A bacon tree! We're saved!" He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

A cowboy was riding into a strange town when he saw a couple of Indians.
"Can you tell me where the nearest toilet is?" asked the cowboy.
"We just use that bush over there," answered one of the Indians.
The cowboy went behind the bush and had a piss, but when he came out all the Indians were laughing like Mad !!.
"What's so fucking funny?" he asked.
"That's the ladies," shouted the Indians.

What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo? "This ain't my first rodeo!"

Three cowboys are riding in a truck all dressed head to toe identically who is the smartest?
The one in the middle because he doesn't have to drive and doesn't have to open the gate.

How does a Chinese cowboy say “Hi” ?
Ni haodi.

What do you call a mentally deficient cowboy on welfare?
Slow on the draw.

Two cowboys were riding through a canyon.
From far off they heard the sound of drumming. One of them said, "I don't like the sound of those drums." And a distant voice called out "He's not our regular drummer!"

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.
As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for assholes.

Cowboy 1: Can you think of anything worse than being scalped alive?
Cowboy 2: Not off the top of my head.

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows
I said, “Sure, that’s 20 cows.”

What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.

A cowboy is camping when one morning he sees an Indian ride by on a horse, with his wife walking behind carrying all her things by hand. The next day, the same thing, the Indian rides by on his horse with his wife trailing behind carrying all her things by hand. On the third day, the Indian passes by again, but this time the Cowboy stops him and says, "Hey why are you riding the horse and she has to walk and carry everything by hand?" The Indian looks at him and says, "Well, she doesn't have a horse."

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling "TGIF!"
The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!"

Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out "SPIT!" This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed.

Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies "Hell ya I know what it means - 'Thank God It's Friday!'" The bartender asks the Mexican guy "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!"

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When the barber finishes the shave, the old cowboy tells him that it is the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he also wants to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replies, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

- When do cowboys like to smoke weed?
- High noon.

- How do German Cowboys greet each other?
- Audi.

A cowboy is riding on his horse in a desert. Suddenly he sees a man lying down with his ear to the ground.
The man says: 'A carriage. 6 horses. 3 black, 2 brown and 1 white.'

The cowboy says: 'Wow! You can hear all of that?!'

'No,' says the man. 'They just ran me over.'

So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert
When he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection.

“Howdy! Whatcha doin?” the cowboy asks the Indian.

“It’s an old trick we use to tell the time of the day” the Indian says.

“Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?” the cowboy inquires.

The Indian glances down at his penis and says, “almost 10 in the morning.”

The cowboy thanks the Indian for the time and travels on. A few hours later, he stumbles on another naked Indian laying on the ground with an erection.

“Howdy partner, what time is it now?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian glances down and says, “Just a little past 2 in the afternoon.”

The cowboy thanks him kindly and mosies on.

A few hours later he finds yet another naked Indian, but this one is stroking his penis pretty vigorously.

“Howdy partner, I saw your two friends earlier could tell me the time, but what are you doing?” The cowboy asks.

“Just winding up the clock.”

A cowboy walks into a bar...
He parked his horse outside and went in for a beer bottle. After finishing it up he goes to leave and his horse was stolen.

The guy walks in again, gun in the air, shoots the ceiling and shouts "you have until I finish up a second beer bottle to return my horse, or else I will have to do what I did in Texas, and I didn't like what I had to do."

He finishes his bottle and finds his horse right where it was. Before leaving, the bartender asks him "Excuse me sir, but what did you have to do in Texas?"

"I had to walk home"

Why are cowboy hats curled up on the side?
So they can fit three in the pickup.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.