Jokes About Kids That Will Leave You in Stitches !

The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "I've heard that's supposed to work. Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

#polygamy

I was in an unfamiliar area and saw a couple teenagers, I asked them " how do you get to Pittsburgh?" The one replied, " my mom takes me!"

Jack was asked in class to present a slide show. So Jack went to the playground and promptly filmed children going down a slide.

I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight. So as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.

Johnny from the back seat, "I must have got my looks from you Dad."
Dad glancing at himself in the rearview mirror, preening a bit, "what makes you say that?"
Johnny, "cuz Mom still has hers."

Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool.” Johnny: “So, what are the words?”

I always tell my kids that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Why did the little girl take her bicycle to bed with her?

Because she didn’t want to sleepwalk.

Why did Little Johnny drop his ice cream cone ?
He got hit by a bus.

Having kids is like having little broke bestfriends that think you're rich.

So one day at school, the boy who sat next to me swallowed his calculator.
I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo.
I told them: “He may be a bit weird, but it’s what’s inside him that counts”!

My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.

When I was a kid my dad used to hit me with a camera.
I still have flash backs.

A kid just asked me if I had a ruler.
"No, I am a free man", I said.

Why did the little boy take a ruler to bed with him?
To see how long he slept!

Teacher,
Does anyone know which month has 28 days?
Little Johnny, All of them.

I'd love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.

Young boy sat in class scratchin his crotch.
Teacher asked him what's wrong.
Embarrased, he said he'd just been circumcised & was really itchy. !
Teacher told him to go and phone his mum for advice.
He comes back with his cock hangin out!
Teacher asks "what on earth are you doing"?
"Well miss, mum said if I could stick it out til lunchtime she'd come & get me.

The school head teacher phoned me yesterday and said “I’m sorry to have to tell you but we’ve had to suspend your son from school for telling lies”

“Well” I replied “Tell him he’s very good. I haven’t got any kids”

Kid just asked me: “What is bacteria?”

I said: "It’s the place at the rear of a cafeteria". ☺️

Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.

My kid really wanted to be home schooled, but the school wouldn't accept him!

A little girl was given a new teddy for her birthday. It was very cute but it’s eyes were crossed. She was asked what she would call her new toy. She immediately responded “Gladly”. “That’s an odd name, why “Gladly”?” she was asked. “Because that’s what Jesus called his”, she answered. Which got the bemused question, “What do you mean?” “It’s in the bible”, the little girl replied. “Jesus said, “gladly my cross I’d bear””.

The kids had to recite a rhyme in class the following morning.
That morning Mary started:
Mary had a little hen
she kept it in a bucket
and every time she let it out
the rooster would chase it
"Mary! that doesn't rhyme!!" said the teacher
"It will when the rooster catches the bastard" said Little Johnny.

Teacher,
You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Little Johnny,
Yes, but not very much.

I bought a 12 year old whisky today.
His parents weren’t very happy!

Wife to husband: Do you think our kids are spoiled?

Husband: No, I think all kids smell like that...

Teacher: Johnny, can you use the word “gruesome” in a sentence?
Johnny: Yes ma’am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome.

Teacher: Johnny, if you had £5 and you asked your dad for another £5, how much would you have?
Johnny: £5, miss.
Teacher: You don't know your maths boy.
Johnny: You don't know my dad, miss.

Why did the little boy salute the fridge?
Because it was a General Electric!

A little boy ran up to me and said, "Please help. My Dad is in a fight."

I followed the boy when we came across two men fighting. I said to the boy, "Ok, which one is your Dad?"

"I dunno," he said. "That's what they're fighting about!"

Teacher asks Johnny, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Johnny replies, "H I J K L M N O."

"What are you talking about?" the teacher replied.

Johnny, "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

"Right class," said the teacher. "Who can make a sentence with the word 'contagious'?"

Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.

"Yes, Johnny?"

"My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said it'll take the contageous!"

Last night my neighbour shouted so loudly at her kids.
that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:

"We tried, but nobody would take you"

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then well talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
Your going to love the Dad's reply:
... ... ... his father replied,
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!

You know that Mary Jane that lives down the road is a cheat", declared Jenni's little boy.

"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.

The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.The first little boy says, "Alligator.""Very good, that's a big word."The second boy says, "Predator.""Yes, that's another big word. Well done."Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."After nearly falling off her chair, she says,"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything.""Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

A little boy is in his back garden filling a hole. The neighbour looks over the fence and asks what he is doing. Im burying my pet goldfish says the little boy. Neighbour says thats a big hole for a goldfish isnt it? Not really replies the little boy, its inside your fucking cat.

The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

Johnny is at school and teacher says "Johnny, it's time for milk and cookies!" He says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" Teacher decides to call Johnny's father and hide him in the coat closet. Again she says""time for milk and cookies!" Again Johnny says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" She opens the closet door and says "this is how your child is talking. What do you have to say about this?" Dad says" Well, fuck him. Don't give him any!"

A teacher asks, "What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?" A student repsonds, "3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge."

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

When ever I see a kidnapping, I don't interfere. I let the kid sleep.

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shop keepers heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . "I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc.

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!