Hilarious Jewish Jokes: Celebrate Tradition with Humor.

Rabbi addressing his congregation : "Ladies and gentlemen of the Jewry . . . . . "

A Jewish mother and her four year old walked along the beach when suddenly a gigantic wave rolled in, sweeping the little girl out to sea.

"Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, her face toward heaven. "This is my only baby, the love of my life. I’ve cherished every moment with her. Please, G-d! Bring her back to me and I'll go to synagogue every day!"

Suddenly, another gigantic wave rolled in and deposited the girl back on the sand, safe and sound. The mother looked up and said, " ... she had a hat on....”

I was having a BBQ the other night and I made some really nice sausages.
I asked my mate if he wanted one.
He said, No thanks mate, I'm Jewish.
Don't worry, I replied, they're free.

Mr and Mrs Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr Goldberg asked his new wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune."

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper.

Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, and Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

I went to a Jewish massage parlor and asked my masseuse for a happy ending.

So she gave me a 10% discount off my visit.

I was having a BBQ the other night and I made some really nice sausages.
I asked my mate if he wanted one.
He said, No thanks mate, I'm Jewish.
Don't worry, I replied, they're free.

A man tells a Rabbi that he has the desire to live forever. "What can I do?"
The Rabbi said: "Go and get married."
"Will I then live forever?" the man asked.
"No, but the desire does go away".

Rabbi addressing his congregation : "Ladies and gentlemen of the Jewry . . . . . "

My Jewish GF and I decided it was time to get physical. It tuchas to a whole new level.

A Jewish mother and her four year old walked along the beach when suddenly a gigantic wave rolled in, sweeping the little girl out to sea.

"Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, her face toward heaven. "This is my only baby, the love of my life. I’ve cherished every moment with her. Please, G-d! Bring her back to me and I'll go to synagogue every day!"

Suddenly, another gigantic wave rolled in and deposited the girl back on the sand, safe and sound. The mother looked up and said, " ... she had a hat on....”

Mr and Mrs Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr Goldberg asked his new wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune."

"Congratulations, Shlomo," said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back on this day and remember it as the happiest day of your life.''

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," replied Moshe.

"I know," replied his uncle.

Today my rabbi knocked at my door asking for a small donation towards the local mikva. I gave him a glass of water.

Businessman Abe Greenberg phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry Mr Greenberg, but he died last week."

The next day Abe phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day he calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Mr Greenberg, I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "It gives me such pleasure to hear you say that."

What's the difference between a Jewish mother-in-law and a Rottweiler? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser. The first lady says, "So nu, how's your family?"

The second one responds, "Oh just fine. My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to cook; he always takes her out. She never has to clean; he got her a housekeeper. She never has to work; he's got such a good job. She never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny."

She continues with a question to the first lady, "So how is your son these days?"

The first woman says, "Just awful. He is married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a housekeeper, G-d forbid she should vacuum a carpet! He has to work like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children, because she made him get her a nanny!"

A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school.

His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"

Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
“Who was it?” he roared. “That bastard Wolf?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Wolf.”
“Was it Green, that creep?”
“No, it wasn’t him.”
“I know — it must have been that idiot Sherman.”
“No, it wasn’t Sherman, either.”
Feinstein was furious. “Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends is good enough for you?”

The rabbi was angry about the amount of money his congregants were giving to charity. He prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor.
“And has your prayer been answered?” asked his wife.
“Half of it was,” replied the rabbi. “The poor are willing to accept the money.”

Shapiro walks into work one day at 9. He is very late The boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30?”

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“That’s why!”

How many Zionists does it take to replace a light bulb?
Four: One to stay home and convince others to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in and a fourth to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where you headed?” asks Schwartz.
“Town.”
“What do you have in the wagon?”
“Manure.”
“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?”
“I spread it over the fruit.”
“Well,” says Bernstein, “you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.”

Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.
“I converted out of love,” said the first. “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert.”
“And I,” said the second, “I converted in order to rise in the legal system. You probably know that my recent appointment as a federal judge may have had something to do with my new religion.”
The third man spoke up: “I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.”
“Are you kidding?” said the first man, spitting out his drink.
“What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?”

The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”

Two Jews are walking through a neighborhood one evening when they notice they are being followed by a pair of hoodlums.
“David,” say his friend, “we better get out of here. There are two of them, and we’re alone!”

A man in Chelm once thought up a riddle that nobody could answer: “What’s purple, hangs on the wall and whistles?”
When everybody gave up, he announced the answer: a white fish.
“A white fish?” people said. “A white fish isn’t purple.”
“Nu,” replied the jokester, “this white fish was painted purple.”
“But hanging on a wall? Who ever heard of a white fish that hung on a wall?”
“Aha! But this white fish was hung on the wall.”
“But a white fish doesn’t whistle,” somebody shouted.
“Nu, so it doesn’t whistle.”

Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.
“Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”
“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“I didn’t think it would rain!”

A woman on a train walked up to a man across the table. “Excuse me,” she said, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replied the man.
A few minutes later the woman returned. “Excuse me,” she said again, “are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
“I’m sure,” said the man.
But the woman was not convinced, and a few minutes later she approached him a third time. “Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?” she asked.
“All right, all right,” the man said. “You win. I’m Jewish.”
“That’s funny,” said the woman.” You don’t look Jewish.”

Schwartz is sitting in his room, wearing only a top hat, when Steinberg strolls in.
“Why are you sitting here naked?”
“It’s all right,” says Schwartz. “Nobody comes to visit.”
“But why the hat?”
“Maybe somebody will come.”