Side-Splitting Comedy from the USA.

It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The average American thinks they're smarter than the average American.

Where do crayons go for vacation?

Colorado.

My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

The average American thinks they're smarter than the average American.

My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

Got stopped by the police.
"Name?"
Me, "The Wizard of Oz."
Police, tapping foot. " Full name."
Me, "The Wizard of Ounces."

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

It can’t sit down.

100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.

General Lee didn't have children?
Yoda: A parent Lee not.

Man in train station: Can I take this train to Florida?
Ticket agent:No, sir, it's much too heavy.

What do you call an unmarried southern woman?
Virginian.

What's the opposite of Ohio?

Olowo.

What do you call a British person with balls?
An American!

Ugh, my first visit to Las Vegas and I get kicked out of the casino
due to a slight misunderstanding at the craps table.

There is a local beer company here in Utah called Polygamy Porter
Their motto is "Beer so good, why not have more than one"

What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States?
Multiple mothers-in-law.

My girlfriend said I was un-American.
I saw that coming from a kilometer away.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

In Florida, they grow special marijuana for the Crocodiles...
Helps keep them quiet and non menacing...
it is called Croc Pot..

FBI, CIA, DEA which is best at finding people?
the IRS.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

“The first amendment is there for a reason. The second is in case the first one doesn’t work out.”
—Dave Chapelle

Las Vegas new casino has a Colonoscopy Clinic. It’s called Proctor & Gamble.

I'm not saying procrastination is in my blood, but my ancestors came to this country on the Juneflower...

When I’m in a hurry, I count Maines instead of Mississippis.

The US is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day!

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

The toothbrush was invented in Alabama. Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

A recent study revealed that Americans watch more television than any other appliance.

Philadelphia is ph balanced: one ph in each half.

My buddy who works for the IRS says he can conduct three audits simultaneously. He says it’s because he knows how to multitax.

It's a good show that General Washington & Co. were able to defeat the British; otherwise, we'd all be speaking English today.

I think one state
in America has
WiFi network trouble...

Connecticut?

Ever been to Las Vegas?

Nope, Nevada chance.....

The oil may be in Texas , But the dipsticks are in Washington D.C. 🇺🇸

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too "un-American".
I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

I met a guy in the pub from Texas, he said it takes him 3 days to drive around his ranch, I said, yes I had a car like that.

What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit of measure?
Mass confusion.

We went to downtown Washington, D. C. yesterday to see the Museum of Government Camouflage and Clandestine Activities, but we couldn't find it!

Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

Not sure why anyone would move to Casper, WY.
It's a ghost town.

If MissIssippi wore a New Jersey what did Delaware ? … (Alaska and she’ll tell😂)

The State of California is reducing management "bloat" by merging departments...

The Highway Patrol and the Department of Fish & Wildlife will soon merge to become the Department of Fish & CHiPs.

What would Idaho be called if you replaced the h with an n?
Idano.
Me neither.

Kentucky, we don't
ask"did you eat yet ?"We just ask,
"Jeet ? "
And I think that's beautiful.

One man was in love with a lass from Alaska. Alas she did not love him!

When I first moved to the US, a kid at my school named Barry told me that there's a place I can go to read books and do research. I told him "It's a lie, Barry."

You know you're in Minnesota when you pass a sign on the highway saying "Welcome to Minnesota".

Of all the places I've been, I'd have to say Missouri is the most welcoming. You might say Missouri loves company!

Did everyone forget the abbreviation for Maine or is it just ME?

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman...

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light.
She wanted $800.00.
The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.
How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

A woman walks into a butcher shop and says, I want a Long Island Duck for a very special dish I’m making. The butcher,(looking puzzled)says, I’m not sure what a Long Island duck looks like, I’ll show you what I have. He then puts three ducks on the counter. The woman picks up the first one, sticks her finger in the ducks bottom, sniffs it and says, no, that’s a New England duck, picks up the second one, does the same thing and says, no, that’s a Rhode Island duck. She picks up the last duck, sticks her finger in, sniffs it an exclaims, now “that’s” a Long Island duck. Totally baffled, the butcher says, in all the years I’ve been a butcher I’ve never seen anyone do that. The woman asks, wher are you from? The butcher turns around, dropped his pants and says, you tell me.

Did you know most Americans pray before they eat?
Can you imagine praying eighteen times a day?

Considered making a lengthy trip to visit the largest city in North Dakota but it was too Fargo.

What's round in both ends and High in the middle?

OHIO of course.

The Americans pay a check with a bill but the Brits pay a bill with a cheque.

My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"