Hilarious jokes about SEAMEN that will make your day !

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”
- English Proverb

Why are sailors so indecisive?

Because they’re always far from shore.

I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.

He was in the wrong craft.

When does a dog become a sailor?

When he embarks.

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?
It helps them sea better.

Where do sailors go when they feel sick?

The dock-tor.

Why are sailors so indecisive?

Because they’re always far from shore.

When does a dog become a sailor?

When he embarks.

Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?

It’s the clam before the storm.

What is a sailor’s least favorite vegetable?

Leeks.

I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.

He was in the wrong craft.

What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki.

A navy eye doctor told a sailor that he needed surgery. He replied, "Aye aye sir!"

A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven Cs.

The sailors couldn't play cards.
The Captain was sitting on deck.

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”
- English Proverb

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Where does an angry sailor go? Anchor management.

Why can't you tickle a sailor? Because they're nautical-ish.

What veggies do sailors hate most?
Leeks!

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

Did you hear about the gay whale?.. No .. well legend has it.. that he attacked a ship and swallowed all the “seamen”.

3.14% of sailors are πrates.
3.14% of people in planes are πlots.
3.14% of of trees are πne trees.

Fun Fact!
Did you know that 3.14%
of all sailors are pirates?

What do you call a dating app for sailors?
Dick Dock.

A young Newfoundland woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Bell Island Ferry."

Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck.

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house" replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker" says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what? You cunts are alright"