The Best British Jokes - Get Ready to ROFL!

How does an Englishman invite a dinosaur for lunch?

Tea, Rex?

Please don't refer to me as an asshole. I'm British. I'm an arsehole.

I like the way my British friend calls it a car park. It means a lot to me.

50% of Scotland is land.

The other 50% is Scot.

Do British flat earthers say the world is apartment?

"I love Worcestershire sauce."

"What's so special about it?"

"It's hard to say."

Every time you forget about a cup of tea a small part of the universe dies forever.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

"Security is tight around here..."

"Why are they from Yorkshire?"

- Is British food really that bad ?
- If done correctly, yes.

I asked my Welsh friend, how many sexual partners he had had.
He started counting then fell asleep.

In England Bigfoot is called Bigmeter.

Just once I'd like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave".

BREAKING NEWS!
Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England.

It’s a massive Boost for the economy.

"In Scotland, the word 'fucking' is just a warning that a noun is on its way" - Frankie Boyle.

I've been asked if I would run the London Marathon next year..
I said, I'm flattered to be asked, but I don't think I could organise such a big event!

The difference between Watt and Ohm...
Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

What do you say to a British person who has just injured himself?

UK?

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and says, "Be jesus, how big is the teapot?"

3 Irish men in a pub
called Mick, Pat and Tat.
The barman says "Are you all related?"
Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!"
Barman said "Triplets!,
how come you and Pat are 6ft tall, and Tat is only 4ft tall?",
"Well!" said Mick "Me and Pat were
breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!

There is a place I heard where you can ride a pig instead of a bull.
It's called Bucking Ham Palace.

If England is on the metric system, why isn't police headquarters called Scotland Meter?

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad.

What city in Scotland reminds me of a guy with a donkey?
Ed and burro!

Paddy sees a poster "Irishman wanted for rape and murder" and into the police station he goes to apply for the job.

Did you hear about the Irish circumsiser? He slipped and got the sack.

When I visit London, sometimes I sleep at the airport to save money; but when the security guard comes at night Heathrows me out.

Did you hear Big Ben collapsed in London?

Thankfully they've got clean up crews working around the clock.

While visiting the Royal Palace we were invited to a ceremony
where Knights were
receiving awards.
It was a Sir prize party.

What does a British real estate agent care most about?
His proper tea.

Do you know how Scottish men find sheep in a tall field ? Very satisfying.

What's a British spy's secret fetish?
Bondage, James Bondage.

Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights.
Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...
He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

BREAKING NEWS!
Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.

Cases continue to rise…

(In Scottish accent) Whats wrong with Mickey Mouses helicopter? Disneyland.

Many people from the UK have pale skin. They're like bleached Wales.

How do you spot a dyslexic Yorkshire man? ...

He's the one with a cat flap on his head..

They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" Where Blacksmiths. "Taylors", Where Tailors What the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

I just got my ancestry results back, turns out Im 1/3 Scotch, and 2/3 soda.

Bob thought it wise for he and Marsha to move to Greenwich, England. In the Mean Time,...

Me: Doc, my dog, he has no nose.

Doc: How's he smell then?

Me: Pretty bad actually!

What do Scottish frogs play? Hop-Scotch.

A panoramic view of London is easy on the Eye.

🦇 + 🌳 = 🔋

Follow me for more tips on how to speak in a British accent!

In Asia, he's Yeti. In America, he's Bigfoot.
In the UK, he's Bigmeter.

What is yellow, with big white hands and feet, and gets stranded in netting ?
A Scottish goalkeeper.

BREAKING NEWS!
Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.
Cases continue to rise…

The people repairing the roof above Big Ben are working over time.

Some friends came round yesterday and accused me of trying to act posh.

I had the butler show them the door.

Intel have announced that they won't be building a new chip factory in the UK, we'll as a point of principle I won't be buying any of their fish either.

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess they’re just raised differently.

My mate asked me the name of my favourite place in Wales. I said it’s difficult to say.

Scam email warning:
If you receive an email saying you have won tickets to watch Arsenal don't open it, it contains tickets to watch Arsenal.

QUESTION: Does England have a 4th of July?
Answer: Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

Q: What does a British owl say?
A: “Whom, whom”

There was an Irish botanist trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy.
He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

Did you hear about the victims in Scotland? Someone kilt them.

Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early.

I decided to trace my pet frogs ancestry...

Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.