Salute-Worthy Army Jokes for Military Humor Enthusiasts.

Our top-rated army jokes are the perfect way to break the ice or lighten the mood. Whether you're a veteran or new recruit, these jokes are sure to please.

Take a break from your day and enjoy some military humor!

Army Jokes meme.
Army Jokes meme.

Weird never felt so funny.
- Updated: 2024-07-20.




Selected ARMY jokes:


I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.


White Flag Principle: A military disaster may produce a better postwar situation than victory.


What do you call 100,000 men with their hands up?
The French Army.


Government is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex



More ARMY jokes...


Government is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex


I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself.


Government is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.


Did you hear about about the army guy that got his dick blown off?

Just nuts now isn’t it.


What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?
An honorable discharge.


How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.


I keep asking people what's the lowest military rank and they all tell me "It's private." So frustrating!


White Flag Principle: A military disaster may produce a better postwar situation than victory.


Vance's Rule of 2 1/2: Any military project will take twice as long as planned, cost twice as much, and produce only half of what is wanted.


Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Army Law: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.


What do you call a military man's premature ejaculation?
A dishonorable discharge.


The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.
But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.


What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?
Biden.


Did you hear about the farsighted turtle that fell in love with an army helmet?


Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.


I know a guy who's a baker in the army.
He goes into battle all buns glazing.


Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.


A military truck hit a mining truck and there were a few miners with major injuries and several majors with minor injuries!


I know a guy who's a baker in the army.
He goes into battle all buns glazing.


My dentist joined the army and they made him a Drill Sergeant.


I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it's private.


What mammal serves in the military? An Armydillo.


What do you call a mall security guard with a military background?
A Navy Wet Seal.


Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.


I'm not an organ donor,
But I once have an old piano to the Salvation Army.


Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
It had too many sleepless knights.


I keep trying to find out what the lowest rank in the Army is, but every person I asked keeps telling me it's private.


Bell, Bark and Kennel, a novel by Ivan Pavlov, chronicles the birth of the Salivation Army.


Is it true that in the army all Colonels eventually get promoted, or is that a generalization?


During his military service Elvis served in the bomb disposal team due to his experience with suspicious mines!


This guy stopped me the other day and asked for directions to the army barracks. I said, "left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right".


Two Teddy bears in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army?

The one on the tank.


The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.


How come when a Dog licks it's privates in public, its OK
But when my Father did it he got thrown out of the Army.


I've decided to make an elite army of babies.

I'll call them The Infantry.


What’s good at fighting dry mouth?

The Salivation Army


What’s good at fighting dry mouth?

The Salivation Army


What position does a baby plant serve in the army?
Infant tree.


Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. -The Swiss Army


Only certain professionals can get away saying these:
👷Doctor: "Please take off your clothes."
😂Dentist: "Now open wide and hold still "
🐱Veterinarian: "How's your pretty pussy ?"
👴Gardener: "Want me to fertilize your bush ?"
👔Lawyer: "Let's go over section 69."
💰Banker: "If you withdraw too early you lose interest."
🍟Chef: "Do you like it hot and spicy.?"
👮Police: "You don't need protection."
🔫Army personnel: "Load. Aim. Fire."
🏊Swimming instructor: "Go deeper."
💪Gym trainer: "Push harder".
👸Interior Decorator: "Once its done, you will love it."
☎Telephone Guy : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall !!


Did you hear the story of how cows provided milk for the Roman Army?
It's legion-dairy.


What do you call 100,000 men with their hands up?
The French Army.


A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.


As a child we were so poor all my school clothes came from the Army Surplus store. I was the only Japanese General in my class.


I’ve decided to make an elite army of babies.
I’ll call them The Infantry.


I got sacked from my job in a Salvation Army kitchen,
All I said was, Hurry up you lot,
Some of us have got homes to go to.


I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.


I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.


A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?


One day a sadistic Drill Sargent was putting his platoon through several of the worst and most humiliating tasks he could think of, including cleaning his personal washroom; after one final use of the toilet which had been clogged for two days.
And at the end of the day, after he ran each of them into the ground he called attention and walked the line.
Stepping forward the Drill Sargent pushed his face right up to the youngest looking Private and groused, " I'll bet you're wishing that I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave!"
With a straight face the Private replied," Sir, No Sir!" When I get out of the Army," I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"




More army jokes on the following pages...


SEE also - PEOPLE, folks & countries Jokes - funny people all around the world:

Remember, laughter knows no boundaries. It connects us all - people, folks, and countries alike. Get ready to chuckle, giggle, and burst into fits of laughter as we dive into a hilarious world of jokes that knows no boundaries, we'll bring you rib-tickling jokes from all corners of the globe. Stay tuned as we unleash a wave of hilarity that will have people from all walks of life laughing together.