The Best British Jokes - Get Ready to ROFL!

Breaking News.
A man has collapsed whilst on the London Eye.
Paramedics say he is slowly coming round.

england doesn't have a kidney bank but it has liverpool ⚽

Two old ladies sitting looking at the sea
Isn’t it windy says one,
No it’s Thursday comes the reply.
So am I let’s have a cup of tea! ☕

Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The fucker had a window cleaning round."

A Geordie is drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone:
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Geordie baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Geordie shrugs. "That's about average in the Northeast. Like I said, my boy is a typical Geordie baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Jeezaz" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Geordie returns to the bar.
The bartender says. "You're the father of that typical Geordie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?"
The proud father answers. "17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Geordie father takes a long slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............
"Had him circumcised" 🤣

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...
The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." 🐩

British people really out here spelling tire with a y. 🙉

Yes, English can be weird.
But it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. 😕

How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?

The correct term is 'replace', actually. 💡

Everytime I go on holiday my wife gets pregnant.

So, this year I'm taking her with me. 😜

There are two types of people in this world. Avoid both.

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Every macine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Masturbation is a touchy subject but oral sex is just a matter of taste.

Everyone at John Lennon International airport has been quarantined.

Imagine....all the people

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I've always been passionate about being able to afford food.

Minister: "Repeat after me."
Groom: "After me."
Minister (to bride): "Is he serious?"
Bride: "No. He is David."

- Waterloo please.
- The station?
- Well Im a bit fucking late for the battle.

When you become a grow up, people stop asking you what your favorite dinosaur is.
They don't even care.

"Pooh, what makes the world go 'round?" asked Piglet.
"Fat bottomed girls," replied Pooh.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"

A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Annie: Meet my new born brother.
Benet: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
Annie: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

I’m emotionally constipated.
I haven’t given a shit in days.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.