Hilarious jokes about IDIOTs that will make your day !

The Women's Dictionary
1.Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing
you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots
that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that
down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the
house.

Two clever people can't fall in love, true love needs one idiot.

Sonia Gandhi met the Queen of England in her palace

Sonia: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Sonia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are intelligent?"

The Queen: "Easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?"

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am."

"Very good! Thank you, David !" said the Queen.

Then she turned to Sonia with a smile and said "See?"

Now its Sonia's turn to apply the same logic....

Sonia went back to India and asked Rahul..
"Rahul , answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Rahul Gandhi . "Let me get back to you on that one..."

Rahul Gandhi went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer...

Finally, he ran into Narendra Modi and asked, "Narendrabhai, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"..

Narendra Modi answered, "That's easy, it's me!"..

Rahul said, "Thanks!"

*Then he went back to Sonia. "I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Narendra Modi*..."😎

*Sonia slapped him*....
and *shouted* ..
"No ! *You dumb idiot! It's David Cameron*.

If you want to reach a large audience appeal to idiots

~ A. Schopenhauer

Coding is like a pendulum going back and forth between:
"I'm a genius?"
and
"I'm an idiot!"

I answered the door this morning.

Felt like a complete idiot when I realized it hadnt said anything...

You can tell a lot about a village by its idiot.

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ if they would, I do not do that thing.

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.

Of course I talk like an idiot… How else would you understand me?

Giving advice to an idiot is very much like gifting dildo to a girl...

You know they need it but they will throw it in your face and call you a weirdo instead.

Two clever people can't fall in love, true love needs one idiot.

Theory of the International Society of Philosophic Engineering:

In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
The most vital dimension on any plan or drawing stands the greatest chance of being omitted.
If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly completed.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
Service Conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is set through service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Peck's Programming Postulates (Philosophic Engineering applied to programming):

In any program, any error which can creep in will eventually do so.
Not until the program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
Any constants, limits, or timing formulas that appear in the computer manufacturer's literature should be treated as variables.
The most vital parameter in any subroutine stands the greatest chance of being left out of the calling sequence.
If only one compiler can be secured for a piece of hardware, the compilation times will be exorbitant.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.
Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order, will be.
Interchangeable tapes won't.
If more than one person has programmed a malfunctioning routine, no one is at fault.
If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
Duplicated object decks which test in identical fashion will not give identical results at remote sites.
Manufacturer's hardware and software support ceases with payment for the computer.

I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.

My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, Id better warn you, shes expecting a baby. I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing a diaper...

"No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot."
Mark Twain

The bus to Idiot Town is here to take you home.

—Prueba a conocerme mejor.
—Eres idiota.
—Suficiente.

I hate people who think I'm a misanthrope almost as much as I hate the idiots who don't realise I really am a misanthrope.

What idiot called it the drinks aisle in the supermarket and not the alcho-hall?

My visitors cancelled on me at the last minute, so here I am with a clean house like a fucking idiot.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots.

Sometimes I miss the time when there was only one idiot per village.

If you're an idiot and know you're an idiot, you're already way less of an idiot than an idiot that doesn't realize they're an idiot.

First you told me to be myself now you're telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind, woman!

Dear sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face, leaving it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.

Hey, you have reached my voicemail. You should just hang up and text me because you’re an idiot to think I would pick up. BYE!

An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....
out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

Shoutout to that one person that hears you when you’re talking in a group and smiles or replies so you don’t feel like an idiot.

Love is never a scam.
It's either you dating an idiot.
Or you are the idiot.

For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing
you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots
that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that
down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the
house.

A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.
The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.
The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."
The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

To generalize is to be an idiot.
William Blake

I'm not a complete idiot,
some parts are missing.

Never confuse education with intelligence. You can have a Ph.D. and still be an idiot.

"If you want to reach a large audience, appeal to idiots.”
-- Schopenhauer

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
"What's wrong with you?" asks his wife.
"I thought I'd save my £2 bus fare by running behind the bus" gasps the man.
"You idiot" says his wife.
"If you'd run home behind a taxi you could've saved £15!"

Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
“Who was it?” he roared. “That bastard Wolf?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Wolf.”
“Was it Green, that creep?”
“No, it wasn’t him.”
“I know — it must have been that idiot Sherman.”
“No, it wasn’t Sherman, either.”
Feinstein was furious. “Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends is good enough for you?”

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

My ears are burning that means someones talking about me.
They're probably saying something like "Why's that idiot got his head in the oven".

I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

A rabbit lives in the woods and wants to go and explore the nearby meadow. His mum says "if you go into the meadow, the fairy of the wood will turn you into an idiot."
He ignores his mum and the fairy of the wood does exactly what his mum says, and turns him into an idiot.
The moral of this story?
Hare today, goon tomorrow...

Nothing is idiot-proof, you just need the right idiot.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on shore like an idiot.

- My boat doesn't go as fast as I expected.
- You ought to put it on sale. That's a must.
- No, idiot, you put a sail on the mast. That's a yacht.

If you don’t look back in Life and think you were an idiot, then you’re probably still an idiot.

Lying in bed last night when my wife screamed I was an idiot, who needed go back to school.
Seriously, I forgot to pick up our 8 year old son.

Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.

Did you hear about the idiot who was given a pair of water skis for his birthday?

He’s spent the last six months looking for a lake with a slope.