Hilarious jokes about IDIOTs that will make your day !

"If you want to reach a large audience, appeal to idiots.”
-- Schopenhauer

Hey, you have reached my voicemail. You should just hang up and text me because you’re an idiot to think I would pick up. BYE!

I answered the door this morning.

Felt like a complete idiot when I realized it hadnt said anything...

Shoutout to that one person that hears you when you’re talking in a group and smiles or replies so you don’t feel like an idiot.

“Humanity is OK, but 99% of people are boring idiots.”

― Slavoj Žižek

If you want to reach a large audience appeal to idiots

~ A. Schopenhauer

Coding is like a pendulum going back and forth between:
"I'm a genius?"
and
"I'm an idiot!"

I answered the door this morning.

Felt like a complete idiot when I realized it hadnt said anything...

You can tell a lot about a village by its idiot.

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ if they would, I do not do that thing.

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.

Of course I talk like an idiot… How else would you understand me?

Giving advice to an idiot is very much like gifting dildo to a girl...

You know they need it but they will throw it in your face and call you a weirdo instead.

Two clever people can't fall in love, true love needs one idiot.

Theory of the International Society of Philosophic Engineering:

In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
The most vital dimension on any plan or drawing stands the greatest chance of being omitted.
If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly completed.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
Service Conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is set through service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Peck's Programming Postulates (Philosophic Engineering applied to programming):

In any program, any error which can creep in will eventually do so.
Not until the program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
Any constants, limits, or timing formulas that appear in the computer manufacturer's literature should be treated as variables.
The most vital parameter in any subroutine stands the greatest chance of being left out of the calling sequence.
If only one compiler can be secured for a piece of hardware, the compilation times will be exorbitant.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.
Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order, will be.
Interchangeable tapes won't.
If more than one person has programmed a malfunctioning routine, no one is at fault.
If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
Duplicated object decks which test in identical fashion will not give identical results at remote sites.
Manufacturer's hardware and software support ceases with payment for the computer.

I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.

My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, Id better warn you, shes expecting a baby. I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing a diaper...

"No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot."
Mark Twain

The bus to Idiot Town is here to take you home.

—Prueba a conocerme mejor.
—Eres idiota.
—Suficiente.

I hate people who think I'm a misanthrope almost as much as I hate the idiots who don't realise I really am a misanthrope.

What idiot called it the drinks aisle in the supermarket and not the alcho-hall?

My visitors cancelled on me at the last minute, so here I am with a clean house like a fucking idiot.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots.

Sometimes I miss the time when there was only one idiot per village.

If you're an idiot and know you're an idiot, you're already way less of an idiot than an idiot that doesn't realize they're an idiot.

First you told me to be myself now you're telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind, woman!

Dear sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face, leaving it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.

Hey, you have reached my voicemail. You should just hang up and text me because you’re an idiot to think I would pick up. BYE!

An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....
out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

Shoutout to that one person that hears you when you’re talking in a group and smiles or replies so you don’t feel like an idiot.

Love is never a scam.
It's either you dating an idiot.
Or you are the idiot.

For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing
you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots
that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that
down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the
house.

A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.
The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.
The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."
The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

To generalize is to be an idiot.
William Blake

I'm not a complete idiot,
some parts are missing.

Never confuse education with intelligence. You can have a Ph.D. and still be an idiot.

"If you want to reach a large audience, appeal to idiots.”
-- Schopenhauer

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
"What's wrong with you?" asks his wife.
"I thought I'd save my £2 bus fare by running behind the bus" gasps the man.
"You idiot" says his wife.
"If you'd run home behind a taxi you could've saved £15!"

Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
“Who was it?” he roared. “That bastard Wolf?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Wolf.”
“Was it Green, that creep?”
“No, it wasn’t him.”
“I know — it must have been that idiot Sherman.”
“No, it wasn’t Sherman, either.”
Feinstein was furious. “Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends is good enough for you?”

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

My ears are burning that means someones talking about me.
They're probably saying something like "Why's that idiot got his head in the oven".

I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

A rabbit lives in the woods and wants to go and explore the nearby meadow. His mum says "if you go into the meadow, the fairy of the wood will turn you into an idiot."
He ignores his mum and the fairy of the wood does exactly what his mum says, and turns him into an idiot.
The moral of this story?
Hare today, goon tomorrow...

Nothing is idiot-proof, you just need the right idiot.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on shore like an idiot.

- My boat doesn't go as fast as I expected.
- You ought to put it on sale. That's a must.
- No, idiot, you put a sail on the mast. That's a yacht.

If you don’t look back in Life and think you were an idiot, then you’re probably still an idiot.

Lying in bed last night when my wife screamed I was an idiot, who needed go back to school.
Seriously, I forgot to pick up our 8 year old son.

Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.