Brilliant jokes about neighbours that will make your day !

I once knew a guy whos life's motto was love thy neighbour.
He lives next to a brothel.

If I am reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creep next door.

My wife got out of the shower naked and said, ‘darling pull the curtains, the neighbours might see me’
I said don’t worry, if they see you, they’ll pull their own curtains.

Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.
Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

If I can read their lips correctly through my binoculars; my neighbours are talking about the creepy guy next door.

I think my neighbor is having an affair with my wife. He's been miserable lately.

Wife: "Where did you get that trombone?"
Husband: "From him next door."
Wife: "Why? You can't play it."
Husband "I know, but neither can he now!”

My neighbour had five children called, 'Who, What, Where, When and Why'.

It made me think she's raising a lot of questions.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off the lights, so you can sit together, by the window, and listen to the neighbors fight.

Neighbour: "Your wife has an amazing accent, where does she come from?"

Husband: "Usually the pub"..

My neighbor just got hired as a firefighter. His first job was to paint the truck, but he used the wrong color. He really blue it.

My neighbour said she thinks she knows who's stealing her underwear.
I nearly crapped her pants when she said that.

My neighbour just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Sex so good that neighbours come forward to congratulate.

Never kiss a person infront of your house, because love is blind, neighbors are not.

I fear my neighbor be stalking me, shes been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

I went bare hunting the other day... It was great, until my nosy neighbor called 911 about a naked man in the woods with a gun!

The neighbor that lives across the street is the head of an elementary school, the neighbor next door to me is the head of a high school. These are the principals I live by.

I just wanted to see if
My Neighbor's Laptop
Could fit inside my bag
And they are now calling
Me a Thief.

You know me,if I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor, and I mean that.
I will move to a rich neighborhood.

My neighbours want me to come over for a threesome.
I told them I might be bi later.

I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

I was testing my neighbors chicken if it was fast,now they call me a thief.

My neighbor just introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife as the lesser of two evils.

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.
We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.
Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

What's the worst thing I said to my neighbour when he complained that
his wife is frigid?
No, she isn't!

I used to live next door to a vampire. Man was he a pain in the neck.

A salesman knocked on my door earlier. "Who currently provides your Internet?" he asked. I said, "My next door neighbour."

My neighbor was very rude when I knocked on his door to ask him his favorite Michael Jackson song.
He said, "Beat it!"

Telling my neighbor about my new telescope –
I can see Uranus
Her: you can see planets?
Me: planets?

I saw a group of neighbors jogging past my house earlier and it really inspired me...

To get up and close the curtains.

I prefer sex with the lights on. It just makes it easier to see in the neighbors window.

Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science.
Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.

My wife got out of the shower naked and said, ‘darling pull the curtains, the neighbours might see me’
I said don’t worry, if they see you, they’ll pull their own curtains.

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and my neighbour Steve?
Steve's not a cunt.

Just helped my neighbour bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.
Her boyfriend would have helped, but he was out of town.

I thought one of the neighbours was taking the wheels off of my new Honda,without asking me..

Turned out,he was doing it on his own Accord.

My neighbor is a door-to-door stand-up comedian. He does a lot of Knock Knock jokes.

My neighbor, a Brit, had a swarm of bees in his back yard. I heard him tell the bees to behive themselves!

My neighbor was fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

Heard my neighbor yell "****" yesterday.
I thought this was impressive, because not many people can pronounce asterisks.

My neighbor is in to archery. For her birthday, her boyfriend made a container for her arrows. She now says that of all the men she has dated, he is the first to make her quiver.

I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.

I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.

A neighbour came round yesterday and borrowed one of my favourite tools. I let him take it but it was quite a wrench.

Neighbor: Why isn't your cat moving? He's just standing there!
Me: Oh, that's because he's on paws...

Jane was breastfeeding her son while her neighbour, Susan sat nearby.
Jane asked her friend, "Does my son resemble me or his father?"
Replied Susan, "He looks like you, but he sucks exactly like his father....."

I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbour."

I said, "Me too - cracking pair of tits!"

My neighbour banged on my wall at 3am this morning ,luckily i was still up listening to music ,and he shouts can you please give me a little respect, and I said coming right up ,I love erasure, too.

My neighbor is a musician who is currently serving time in jail. His wife is waiting for his next release.

My mate Dave’s wife, Julie said to him yesterday “Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?”

“How can I?” said Dave “I’ve never met the woman”

Q: Where do horses live?
A: In neigh-borhoods.