Hilarious students, college and teachers jokes !

My music teacher refused to help me write the melody for my final class project. He saw I was upset and said that I needed to compose myself.

professor: explain the concept of free will

me: do I have a choice?

professor: great job

me: what

Bit nervous about my maths exam. Think my chances of passing it are 40-40.

Teacher: Turn Around!
That one Student: “every now and then I get a little bit lonely”

My French teacher, who wasn't very good, is finally leaving!
Adios amigo!

Medical College Professor to a girl student: "Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size..?"
Girl Student: "Sir, I can't answer this question. It's too embarrassing...
Professor asked the same question to a male student.
Male Student: "It's the Pupil of a human eye."
Professor: "Correct."
Then Professor turned to the female and said: "Listen lady, not only your thinking is wrong but your expectations are also very high...
5 times is too much...!!!"

wife: I just heard from our son in mime college.
me: always was a shitty student.

Q: How did the beauty school student do on her manicure test?
A: She nailed it.

Online classes are becoming like episodes of Dora the explorer, they ask a question, wait for 10 seconds, answer it themselves and move on.

College is a fountain of knowledge ... where students go to drink.

There’s no substitute for a teacher who never takes a day off.

My teacher says that fish are more intelligent than we give them credit for. They spend a lot of time in schools.

Student: Can you tell me what month it is?
English teacher: It's May.
Student: Look, I don't need a grammar lesson. Can you just tell me what month it is?

I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.

Why did the oven go back to University? To get another degree.

Why shouldn't you date math teachers?
Because they have a lot of problems, and expect someone else to find the solutions.

I wish Oxford and Cambridge would settle their differences.
I do hate to see them rowing.

Teacher: Turn Around!
That one Student: “every now and then I get a little bit lonely”

Teacher : Which test can you pass without studying?
Me : COVID-19 test.

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”

When I was in college, I was rejected from every fraternity because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

As part of our Chemistry coursework, everyone in my class had to create a glue strong enough to stick a wooden chair to the wall. The teacher said my effort was the best.
I nailed it.

Why didn't the Sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees!

School is not hard.
Paying attention to something you’re not interested in is.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Mom and Dad were fighting.
Teacher: So what makes you late if they were
fighting?
Student: One shoe was in mom's hand and one
in dad's...🙄

Not all goodbyes are sad. Example: "Goodbye class".

Someone asked me during lunch, "what subjects do we have later?"
I replied, "literature, and the rest... is history!"

THANK YOU, student loans, for getting me through college. I don’t think I can ever repay you.

I'm really upset because I got my doctor's test results.

turns out I'm not gonna be a doctor.

Two retired English teachers were sitting on their beach chairs at the seaside. One of them asked, "Have you read Marx?" His friend replied, "Yes, I think it's from these wicker chairs!"

When I was in college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
You had to be a complete dick.

College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

One day when the professor walked into her classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time she was very irritated , as it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

- Whats he difference between a camel and a college student?
- Camel can go days without drinking.

- How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- One after a few YouTube tutorials.

- What do college students say after praying?
- Ramen.

- What do you call hiking US college students?
- The walking debt.

Teacher: "Please don't whistle while studying."
Student: "Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling!"

The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"

Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

- How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
- Will this be on the test ?

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100.
Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200.
Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

A student comes to a young professor's office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "
I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze.
"Anything?"
Anything."
His voice softens.
"Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you...study?"

Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: what?
Student: what?

- How did the geology student drown?
- His grades were below C-level.