Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls..."

A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. Time to celebrate!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

You should never attempt Pottery when you're tired.
Last time I tried I almost fell asleep at the wheel.

Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he's adopted.

Those who can laugh at troubles must be having a hilarious time nowadays.

My favourite time of the day is anytime the liquor store isn’t closed.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep...

I was on the toilet, angry, and late for work. I thought, I don’t have time for this shit.

I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.

Some people wonder why I never comment or like their posts... they don't realize it's because I unfollowed them a long time ago!

And then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court. It was a...

...brief case.

Save time on laundry by spending all your time naked.

You never actually stop clapping, the time between claps just become longer.

Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

How come I never came first in sports at School, but now it happens every time during sex?

For the first time in our marriage my wife
apologised to me.
She said “I'm sorry I even met you!”

You know it's time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside.

My Viagra addiction…

Was the hardest time of my life.

Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final.

" Some talk to you in their free time and
some free their time to talk to you..."

2 Things Comes In Ladies Mind When Visiting A Man For The First Time
*I Won't Open My Legs For Him
*Let Me Shave Just Incase

FUN Fact:
When you remember a past event, you are actually remembering the last time you remembered it, not the event itself.

Keep taking time for yourself until you're you again.

Build assets with your time.

Then buy time with your assets.

I can’t work full time because I have to water my plants.

Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.

Gonna quit my job and travel the world till I run out of money!

I should be home in time for dinner...

Save time on cleaning by not cleaning.

How do you make time go fast on Monday? Throw a clock!

Every time I go out to dinner with my dad, he always walks into the restaurant and shouts

Yes, we have reservations! ...but we’ll eat here anyway!!

The best time to ask my husband if he’s mad at me is when I’m naked.

“To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. Yes. A time to keep silence and a time to speak."

~ Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

If you’re the smartest person in the room it’s time to find a new damn room.

Sometimes I miss the time when there was only one idiot per village.

It’s frustrating going to the post office this time of year. I stamp my feet a lot.

Be a good person, but don't waste your time trying to prove it.

I wouldn't take a bullet for you, because if I have time to jump in front of the bullet, you have time to move!

I remember the last time I went to the North Pole. They didn't have anything to sit on except ice blocks and I got a bad case of Polaroids.

I asked my blind date, when was the last time that someone opened a door for you ... she said,when I got ARRESTED.

I am such a loser.
The last time I won anything I was still a sperm.

Watched a documentary on hypnosis and now, every time the microwave beeps, I shit my pants.

A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. Time to celebrate!

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, What an Ass.

My alone time is sometimes for YOUR safety.

Gene Simmons is writing a scandalous novel about his time in the band. It’s going to be a Kiss and tell book.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but there is never a bad time for a cheeseburger.

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town!

"Everything comes in time to him who knows how to wait...
The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience."
By Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

Whoever said that getting married was the happiest day of their life, obviously hasn’t had 2 candy bars fall down at the same time in the vending machine.

You weren’t born to spend more time with your boss than with your family.

„It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.“
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince