Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can bitch and moan at the same time 💋

Every time dreams come true the alarm clock turns on.

A millionaire and a guide were out hunting ducks with a dog.
The dog runs into a thicket and back out and barks once. The owner said good there's one duck in there. They go in and sure enough one duck. They get the duck and head to the next thicket.

The dog runs in and back out. This time he barks three times. Good there's three ducks. They go in and bingo! Three ducks. They collect the ducks and leave.

On the way out the millionaire asks the guide if he can buy his dog. And after much pushback and negotiations he had that dog!

Some years later the guide and millionaire cross paths and naturally the guide asks about his dog. The millionaire replied

"I had to put him down"

"What? Why?"

"Well, I took him out with a friend. First he runs into the thicket just like you taught him. Then he comes out barking like mad! I mean like crazy. Then he took off back into the thicket. When he came out this time he jumped on my buddies leg and went to humpin! After we got him to stop it was back to the thicket. The last time he ran out he came with a stick and was hitting us with it sooo I put him down."

"YOU MORON!" replied the guide. "He was trying to tell you that THERE'S MORE FUCKING DUCKS IN THERE THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT!

The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

You should never attempt Pottery when you're tired.
Last time I tried I almost fell asleep at the wheel.

Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he's adopted.

Those who can laugh at troubles must be having a hilarious time nowadays.

My favourite time of the day is anytime the liquor store isn’t closed.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep...

I was on the toilet, angry, and late for work. I thought, I don’t have time for this shit.

I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.

Some people wonder why I never comment or like their posts... they don't realize it's because I unfollowed them a long time ago!

And then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court. It was a...

...brief case.

Save time on laundry by spending all your time naked.

You never actually stop clapping, the time between claps just become longer.

Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

How come I never came first in sports at School, but now it happens every time during sex?

For the first time in our marriage my wife
apologised to me.
She said “I'm sorry I even met you!”

You know it's time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside.

My Viagra addiction…

Was the hardest time of my life.

Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final.

" Some talk to you in their free time and
some free their time to talk to you..."

2 Things Comes In Ladies Mind When Visiting A Man For The First Time
*I Won't Open My Legs For Him
*Let Me Shave Just Incase

FUN Fact:
When you remember a past event, you are actually remembering the last time you remembered it, not the event itself.

Keep taking time for yourself until you're you again.

Build assets with your time.

Then buy time with your assets.

I can’t work full time because I have to water my plants.

Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.

Gonna quit my job and travel the world till I run out of money!

I should be home in time for dinner...

Save time on cleaning by not cleaning.

How do you make time go fast on Monday? Throw a clock!

Every time I go out to dinner with my dad, he always walks into the restaurant and shouts

Yes, we have reservations! ...but we’ll eat here anyway!!

The best time to ask my husband if he’s mad at me is when I’m naked.

“To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. Yes. A time to keep silence and a time to speak."

~ Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

If you’re the smartest person in the room it’s time to find a new damn room.

Sometimes I miss the time when there was only one idiot per village.

It’s frustrating going to the post office this time of year. I stamp my feet a lot.

Be a good person, but don't waste your time trying to prove it.

I wouldn't take a bullet for you, because if I have time to jump in front of the bullet, you have time to move!

I remember the last time I went to the North Pole. They didn't have anything to sit on except ice blocks and I got a bad case of Polaroids.

I asked my blind date, when was the last time that someone opened a door for you ... she said,when I got ARRESTED.

I am such a loser.
The last time I won anything I was still a sperm.

Watched a documentary on hypnosis and now, every time the microwave beeps, I shit my pants.

A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. Time to celebrate!

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, What an Ass.

My alone time is sometimes for YOUR safety.

Gene Simmons is writing a scandalous novel about his time in the band. It’s going to be a Kiss and tell book.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but there is never a bad time for a cheeseburger.

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town!

"Everything comes in time to him who knows how to wait...
The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience."
By Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

Whoever said that getting married was the happiest day of their life, obviously hasn’t had 2 candy bars fall down at the same time in the vending machine.

You weren’t born to spend more time with your boss than with your family.

„It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.“
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince