Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

I feel like as if for what that I sometimes but not all the time I use too many words in a sentence that I don’t really necessarily have to or need to.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. 🐒

I have an amazing superpower - I can melt ice cubes by staring at them.
It takes me quite a long time though.

Waddell's Law of Equipment Failure: A component's degree of reliability is directly proportional to its ease of accessibility (i.e., the harder it is to get to, the more often it breaks down).
Waffle's Law: A professor's enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies inversely with the likelihood of his having to do it.
Wain's Conclusion: The only people making money these days are the ones who sell computer paper.
Waldo's Observation: One man's red tape is another man's system.
Walinsky's Law: The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.
Walinsky's First Law of Political Campaigns: If there are twelve clowns in a ring, you can jump in the middle and start reciting Shakespeare, but to the audience, you'll just be the thirteenth clown.
Walker's Law: Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
Wallace's Observation: Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment.
Walters's Law of Management: If you're already in a hole, there's no use to continue digging.
Washington's Law: Space expands to house the people to perform the work that Congress creates.
Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.
Rule of the Way Out: Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Weaver's Law: When several reporters share a cab on an assignment, the reporter in the front seat pays for all.
Corollary (O'Doyle): No matter how many reporters share a cab, and no matter who pays, each puts the full fare on his own expense account.
Corollary (Germond): When a group of newsmen go out to dinner together, the bill is to be divided evenly among them, regardless of what each one eats and drinks.
Weber-Fechner Law: The least change in stimulus necessary to produce a perceptible change in response is proportional to the stimulus already existing.
Weidner's Queries:
The tide comes in and the tide goes out, and what have you got?
They say an elephant never forgets, but what's he got to remember?
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Weinberg's Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Weisman's Law of Examinations: If you're confident after you've just finished an exam, it's because you don't know enough to know better.
Wells's Law: A parade should have bands or horses, not both.
Westheimer's Rule: To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one hour task.
Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.
White Flag Principle: A military disaster may produce a better postwar situation than victory.
White's Chappaquiddick Theorem: The sooner and in more detail you announce bad news, the better.
White's Observations of Committee Operation:
People very rarely think in groups; they talk together, they exchange information, they adjudicate, they make compromises. But they do not think; they do not create.
A really new idea affronts current agreement.
A meeting cannot be productive unless certain premises are so shared that they do not need to be discussed, and the argument can be confined to areas of disagreement. But while this kind of consensus makes a group more effective in its legitimate functions, it does not make the group a creative vehicle -- it would not be a new idea if it didn't -- and the group, impelled as it is to agree, is instinctively hostile to that which is divisive.
White's Statement: Don't lose heart . . . Owen's Comment on White's Statement: . . . they might want to cut it out . . . Byrd's Addition to Owen's Comment on White's Statement: . . . and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
Whole Picture Principle: Research scientists are so wrapped up in their own narrow endeavors that they cannot possibly see the whole picture of anything, including their own research.
Corollary: The Director of Research should know as little as possible about the specific subject of research he is administering.
Wicker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue, and then some.
Wilcox's Law: A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
Will's Rule of Informed Citizenship: If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. (It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.) Instead read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word "National".
Flip Wilson's Law: You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine.
Wilson's Law of Demographics: The public is not made up of people who get their names in the newspapers.
Wingo's Axiom: All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking.
First Law of Wing-Walking: Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
Witten's Law: Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.
Wober's SNIDE Rule (Satisfied Needs Incite Demand Excesses): Ideal goals grow faster than the means of attaining new goals allow.
Wolf's Law (An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World): It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong.
Wolf's Law of Decision-Making: Major actions are rarely decided by more than four people. If you think a larger meeting you're attending is really "hammering out" a decision, you're probably wrong. Either the decision was agreed to by a smaller group before the meeting began, or the outcome of the larger meeting will be modified later when three or four people get together.
Wolf's Law of History Lessons: Those who don't study the past will repeat its errors. Those who do study it will find other ways to err.
Wolf's Law of Management: The tasks to do immediately are the minor ones; otherwise, you'll forget them. The major ones are often better to defer. They usually need more time for reflection. Besides, if you forget them, they'll remind you.
Wolf's Law of Meetings: The only important result of a meeting is agreement about next steps.
Wolf's Law of Planning: A good place to start from is where you are.
Wolf's Law of Tactics: If you can't beat them, have them join you.
Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Woman's Equation: Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Wood's Law: The more unworkable the urban plan, the greater the probability of implementation.
Woods's Incomplete Maxims:
All's well that ends.
A penny saved is a penny.
Don't leave things unfinishe
Woods's Laws of Procrastination:
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Procrastinate today! (Tomorrow may be too late.)
NOW is the time to do things later!
If at first you don't succeed, why try again?
Woodward's Law: A theory is better than an explanation.
Worker's Dilemma Law (Management's Put-Down Law):
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
Wynne's Law: Negative slack tends to increase.
Wyszkowski's Theorem: Regardless of the units used by either the supplier or the customer, the manufacturer shall use his own arbitrary units convertible to those of either the supplier or the customer only by means of weird and unnatural conversion factors.
Wyszowski's First Law: No experiment is reproducible.
Wyszkowski's Second Law: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he's adopted.

Those who can laugh at troubles must be having a hilarious time nowadays.

My favourite time of the day is anytime the liquor store isn’t closed.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep...

I was on the toilet, angry, and late for work. I thought, I don’t have time for this shit.

I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.

Some people wonder why I never comment or like their posts... they don't realize it's because I unfollowed them a long time ago!

And then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court. It was a...

...brief case.

Save time on laundry by spending all your time naked.

You never actually stop clapping, the time between claps just become longer.

Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

How come I never came first in sports at School, but now it happens every time during sex?

For the first time in our marriage my wife
apologised to me.
She said “I'm sorry I even met you!”

You know it's time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside.

My Viagra addiction…

Was the hardest time of my life.

Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final.

" Some talk to you in their free time and
some free their time to talk to you..."

2 Things Comes In Ladies Mind When Visiting A Man For The First Time
*I Won't Open My Legs For Him
*Let Me Shave Just Incase

FUN Fact:
When you remember a past event, you are actually remembering the last time you remembered it, not the event itself.

Keep taking time for yourself until you're you again.

Build assets with your time.

Then buy time with your assets.

I can’t work full time because I have to water my plants.

Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.

Gonna quit my job and travel the world till I run out of money!

I should be home in time for dinner...

Save time on cleaning by not cleaning.

How do you make time go fast on Monday? Throw a clock!

Every time I go out to dinner with my dad, he always walks into the restaurant and shouts

Yes, we have reservations! ...but we’ll eat here anyway!!

The best time to ask my husband if he’s mad at me is when I’m naked.

“To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. Yes. A time to keep silence and a time to speak."

~ Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

If you’re the smartest person in the room it’s time to find a new damn room.

Sometimes I miss the time when there was only one idiot per village.

It’s frustrating going to the post office this time of year. I stamp my feet a lot.

Be a good person, but don't waste your time trying to prove it.

I wouldn't take a bullet for you, because if I have time to jump in front of the bullet, you have time to move!

I remember the last time I went to the North Pole. They didn't have anything to sit on except ice blocks and I got a bad case of Polaroids.

I asked my blind date, when was the last time that someone opened a door for you ... she said,when I got ARRESTED.

I am such a loser.
The last time I won anything I was still a sperm.

Watched a documentary on hypnosis and now, every time the microwave beeps, I shit my pants.

A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. Time to celebrate!

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, What an Ass.

My alone time is sometimes for YOUR safety.

Gene Simmons is writing a scandalous novel about his time in the band. It’s going to be a Kiss and tell book.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but there is never a bad time for a cheeseburger.

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town!

"Everything comes in time to him who knows how to wait...
The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience."
By Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

Whoever said that getting married was the happiest day of their life, obviously hasn’t had 2 candy bars fall down at the same time in the vending machine.

You weren’t born to spend more time with your boss than with your family.

„It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.“
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

One thing nobody ever talks about when you're an adult, is how much time you debate yourself about keeping a cardboard box because it's, like, a really good box.

How did the person who first invented the clock, know what time is was?