Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but there is never a bad time for a cheeseburger.

I spoke to my dentist about how I get pains every time I drink coffee or tea. He asked ‘how long has this been going on for?’ I said, ‘I have been drinking tea and coffee for many years.’

Sadat's Reminder: Those who invented the law of supply and demand have no right to complain when this law works against their interest.
Sam's Axioms:
Any line, however short, is still too long.
Work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water that keeps it green.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Sattler's Law: There are 32 points to the compass, meaning that there are 32 directions in which a spoon can squirt grapefruit; yet, the juice almost invariably flies straight into the human eye.
Saunders's Discovery: Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
Sayre's Third Law of Politics: Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
Schenk's First Principle of Industrial Market Economics: Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
Schickel's TV Theorems:
Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
The only programs a grown-up can possibly stand are those intended for children. Or, more properly, those that cater to those pre-adolescent fantasies that most have never abandoned.
Schmidt's Law: Never eat prunes when you're hungry.
Schmidt's Law (probably a different Schmidt): If you mess with something long enough, it'll break.
Schuckit's Law: All interference in human conduct has the potential for causing harm, no matter how innocuous the procedure may be.
Schultze's Law: If you can't measure output, then you measure input.
Schumpeter's Observation of Scientific and Nonscientific Theories: Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
Old Scottish Prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
Scott's First Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
Screwdriver Syndrome: Sometimes, where a complex problem can be illuminated by many tools, one can be forgiven for applying the one he knows best.
Segal's Law: A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.
Law of Selective Gravity (the Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Corollary (Klipstein): The most delicate component will be the one to drop.
Sells's Law: The first sample is always the best.
Laws of Serendipity:
In order to discover anything you must be looking for something.
If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Shaffer's Law: The effectiveness of a politician varies in inverse proportion to his commitment to principle.
Shalit's Law: The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie.
Shanahan's Law: The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
Sharkey's Fourth Law of Motion: Passengers on elevators constantly rearrange their positions as people get on and off so there is at all times an equal distance between all bodies.
Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Shelton's Laws of Pocket Calculators:
Rechargeable batteries die at the most critical time of the most complex problem.
When a rechargeable battery starts to die in the middle of a complex calculation, and the user attempts to connect house current, the calculator will clear itself.
The final answer will exceed the magnitude or precision or both of the calculator.
There are not enough storage registers to solve the problem.
The user will forget mathematics in proportion to the complexity of the calculator.
Thermal paper will run out before the calculation is complete.
Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.
Short's Quotations:
Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche. A cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time it was undoubtedly true.
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
Malpractice makes malperfect.
Neurosis is a communicable disease.
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
A little ignorance can go a long way.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
There is no such thing as an absolute truth -- that is absolutely true.
Understanding the laws of nature does not mean we are free from obeying them.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
The human race never solves any of its problems -- it only outlives them.
Hell hath no fury like a pacifist.
Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Mother Sigafoos's Observation: A man should be greater than some of his parts.
Simmon's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.
Simon's Law: Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Sinner's Law of Retaliation: Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do.
Skinner's Constant (Flannegan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided into, added to, or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
Skole's Rule for Antique Dealers: Never simply say, "Sorry, we don't have what you're looking for." Always say, "Too bad, I just sold one the other day."
Law of Slide Presentation: In any slide presentation, at least one slide will be upside down or backwards, or both.
Smith's Principles of Bureaucratic Tinkertoys:
Never use one word when a dozen will suffice.
If it can be understood, it's not finished yet.
Never be the first to do anything.
Snafu Equations:
Given any problem containing n equations, there will be n+1 unknowns.
An object or bit of information most needed, will be least available.
In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else.
Badness comes in waves.
First Law of Socio-Economics: In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay for a given task increases in inverse ratio to the unpleasantness and difficulty of the task.
First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
Woods's Refutation of the First Law of Socio-Genetics: On the contrary, if you never procreate, neither will your kids.
Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy: In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow.
Sodd's First Law: When a person attempts a task, he or she will be thwarted in that task by the unconscious intervention of some other presence (animate or inanimate). Nevertheless, some tasks are completed, since the intervening presence is itself attempting a task and is, of course, subject to interference.
Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Corollary: Any system must be designed to withstand the worst possible set of circumstances.
Sodd's Other Law: The degree of failure is in direct proportion to the effort expended and to the need for success.
Grandma Soderquist's Conclusion: A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce.
Spare Parts Principle: The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.
Spark's Ten Rules for the Project Manager:
Strive to look tremendously important.
Attempt to be seen with important people.
Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts.
Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevant question and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure out what's going on -- then quickly change the subject.
Listen intently while others are arguing the problem. Pounce on a trite statement and bury them with it.
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
Obtain a brilliant assignment, but keep out of sight and out of the limelight.
Walk at a fast pace when out of the office -- this keeps questions from subordinates and superiors at a minimum.
Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
Specht's Meta-Law: Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
Sprinkle's Law: Things always fall at right angles.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
Steinbeck's Law: When you need towns, they are very far apart.
Stephens's Soliloquy: Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it.
Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Stockbroker's Declaration: The market will rally from this or lower levels.
Stock Market Axiom: The public is always wrong.
Stock's Observation: You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.
Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud.
Sueker's Note: If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.
Suhor's Law: A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
Law of Superiority: The first example of superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of inferior principle.
Law of Superstition: It's bad luck to be superstititious.
Survival Formula for Public Office:
Exploit the inevitable (which means, take credit for anything good which happens whether you had anything to do with it or not).
Don't disturb the perimeter (meaning don't stir up a mess unless you can be sure of the result).
Stay in with the Outs (the Ins will make so many mistakes, you can't afford to alienate the Outs).
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.
Sutton's Law: Go where the money is.
Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts loudest has the floor.

Trischmann's Paradox (Axiom of the Pipe): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep...

I was on the toilet, angry, and late for work. I thought, I don’t have time for this shit.

I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.

Some people wonder why I never comment or like their posts... they don't realize it's because I unfollowed them a long time ago!

And then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court. It was a...

...brief case.

Save time on laundry by spending all your time naked.

You never actually stop clapping, the time between claps just become longer.

Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

How come I never came first in sports at School, but now it happens every time during sex?

For the first time in our marriage my wife
apologised to me.
She said “I'm sorry I even met you!”

You know it's time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside.

My Viagra addiction…

Was the hardest time of my life.

Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final.

" Some talk to you in their free time and
some free their time to talk to you..."

2 Things Comes In Ladies Mind When Visiting A Man For The First Time
*I Won't Open My Legs For Him
*Let Me Shave Just Incase

FUN Fact:
When you remember a past event, you are actually remembering the last time you remembered it, not the event itself.

Keep taking time for yourself until you're you again.

Build assets with your time.

Then buy time with your assets.

I can’t work full time because I have to water my plants.

Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.

Gonna quit my job and travel the world till I run out of money!

I should be home in time for dinner...

Save time on cleaning by not cleaning.

How do you make time go fast on Monday? Throw a clock!

Every time I go out to dinner with my dad, he always walks into the restaurant and shouts

Yes, we have reservations! ...but we’ll eat here anyway!!

The best time to ask my husband if he’s mad at me is when I’m naked.

“To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. Yes. A time to keep silence and a time to speak."

~ Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

If you’re the smartest person in the room it’s time to find a new damn room.

Sometimes I miss the time when there was only one idiot per village.

It’s frustrating going to the post office this time of year. I stamp my feet a lot.

Be a good person, but don't waste your time trying to prove it.

I wouldn't take a bullet for you, because if I have time to jump in front of the bullet, you have time to move!

I remember the last time I went to the North Pole. They didn't have anything to sit on except ice blocks and I got a bad case of Polaroids.

I asked my blind date, when was the last time that someone opened a door for you ... she said,when I got ARRESTED.

I am such a loser.
The last time I won anything I was still a sperm.

Watched a documentary on hypnosis and now, every time the microwave beeps, I shit my pants.

A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. Time to celebrate!

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, What an Ass.

My alone time is sometimes for YOUR safety.

Gene Simmons is writing a scandalous novel about his time in the band. It’s going to be a Kiss and tell book.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but there is never a bad time for a cheeseburger.

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town!

"Everything comes in time to him who knows how to wait...
The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience."
By Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

Whoever said that getting married was the happiest day of their life, obviously hasn’t had 2 candy bars fall down at the same time in the vending machine.

You weren’t born to spend more time with your boss than with your family.

„It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.“
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

One thing nobody ever talks about when you're an adult, is how much time you debate yourself about keeping a cardboard box because it's, like, a really good box.

How did the person who first invented the clock, know what time is was?

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

My wife left me a note before leaving for work which read..

"Put washing on - do 2 hour cycle"

It took me 4 hours to buy a bike and ride home so didn't have time for the laundry.

My company is offering a time management class I desperately need, but I can't work it into my schedule!