Our top-rated army jokes are the perfect way to break the ice or lighten the mood. Whether you're a veteran or new recruit, these jokes are sure to please.
Take a break from your day and enjoy some military humor!
Weird never felt so funny. - Updated: 2026-03-20.
Selected ARMY jokes:
A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?
Is it true that in the army all Colonels eventually get promoted, or is that a generalization?
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.
More ARMY jokes...
Who was the biggest joker in George Washington’s army?
Laugh-ayette.
When the Army barracks bathroom is in use, it's usually by the loo tenant.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ....'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!