Our top-rated army jokes are the perfect way to break the ice or lighten the mood. Whether you're a veteran or new recruit, these jokes are sure to please.
Take a break from your day and enjoy some military humor!
Weird never felt so funny.
- Updated:
2025-02-01.
Selected ARMY jokes:
Did you hear about the farsighted turtle that fell in love with an army helmet?
What’s good at fighting dry mouth?
The Salivation Army
Only certain professionals can get away saying these:
👷Doctor: "Please take off your clothes."
😂Dentist: "Now open wide and hold still "
🐱Veterinarian: "How's your pretty pussy ?"
👴Gardener: "Want me to fertilize your bush ?"
👔Lawyer: "Let's go over section 69."
💰Banker: "If you withdraw too early you lose interest."
🍟Chef: "Do you like it hot and spicy.?"
👮Police: "You don't need protection."
🔫Army personnel: "Load. Aim. Fire."
🏊Swimming instructor: "Go deeper."
💪Gym trainer: "Push harder".
👸Interior Decorator: "Once its done, you will love it."
☎Telephone Guy : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall !!
I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.
More ARMY jokes...
Who was the biggest joker in George Washington’s army?
Laugh-ayette.
When the Army barracks bathroom is in use, it's usually by the loo tenant.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ....'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!