Stupid Jokes - Unexpectedly Amusing.

Apparently I was a bell in my former life.
So I've been tolled.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.

Last night my can opener broke.
Now I have a can't opener.

I bought my canoe at 50% off. It was a sale boat.

An intelligent woman is a woman with whom a man can be as stupid as he wants!

The sign said “WET PAINT” so I emptied my water bottle on it.
I’m currently waiting on further instructions.

I don't think we do get smarter as we get older.
I just think we run out of stupid things to do.

I asked the pet shop guy for a goldfish. He said: "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said: "I don’t care what it's star sign is"

Fishing License? That's just dumb.
You can't even drive a fish.

I got food posioning yesterday...

I haven't used it yet.

I was cleaning my flat today when I thought...
Why don't I just buy a new tire?

*throws butter out the window*

Me: look at that butterfly.

I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Do you know why the Tin Man drinks oil?...
Because he CAN...

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....

...oof !!

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
"What's wrong with you?" asks his wife.
"I thought I'd save my £2 bus fare by running behind the bus" gasps the man.
"You idiot" says his wife.
"If you'd run home behind a taxi you could've saved £15!"

Parachute lessons only £2.
No strings attached.

I didn’t think anyone but me knew why the medicine cabinet smelled like deodorant, but it turned out to be an open Secret.

I keep seeing TIA and never know what it means. Can anyone tell me?

Thanks in advance.

A man said to me 'Life's too shirt'. I said 'You mean too short'. He said 'No, I can only afford two shirts'.

I was so close to winning "The worlds most congested nose competition", but I blew it at the last minute!

If anybody has any tips on how to prevent burglary my door is always open.

Given the recent economic times, I've bought a bouncy castle in case the employment market takes a downturn.
It will give me something to fall back on.

Phew! I am so relieved, all my test results came back negative
(What is IQ anyway?)

Having to purchase a fishing license is stupid. You can’t even drive a fish.

Guitar strings can play music- shoe strings can knot.

School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes.

There was a tap on my door this morning,
I really must get a new plumber.

First rule in plumbing is to trust your basic in-sink.

Teacher: Mr Smith,I think you should buy Jimmy an encyclopaedia.
Dad: Rubbish,he can walk to school just like I had to.

Two cavemen are in a cave.
One caveman says "ug"
The other caveman says "ug"
The other caveman says "ug"
One caveman says "ug ug"
The other caveman says "Don't change the fucking subject!"

My dad gave me some advice when I was a teenager !.

He said, "Son, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock."

Worst advice ever, I could hardly fucking run !!!!!

Yesterday I went to a BBQ and met the grill of my dreams.

Why did the moon get kicked out of Walmart? It was mooning people!

“Have you heard of Murphy’s law?”
"Yeah.”
“What is it?”
"If something can go wrong, it will.”
"Right, have you heard of Cole’s law?”
"No, what is it?”
"Thinly sliced cabbage!!”

Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.

#csi
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken...

My girlfriend just asked me,When we go to Egypt, Can we go on a camel !
I said, No, It would take ages to get there on a camel.

You know when it’s hot outside when you go outside… and it’s hot.

I got kicked out of my morning commute gang for turning off the fan because I was feeling cold in the helicopter.

I once lived in a house with four foot high ceilings. I couldn’t stand living there.

My favourite saying is better out than in which is probably why I lost my job as a prison guard.

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs":

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

if someone is a horrible liar, are they really good at lies or really bad at lies?

I said to my doctor, "I'm having serious problems with my memory."

He said, "Give me an example."

I said, "The other day I spent two hours in a multi storey car park trying to remember where I'd parked my car."

He laughed and said, "That's nothing to worry about, we've all done that."

I said, "I don't own a car."

Does anyone know the first name of Principal Skinner in The Simpsons....see more

What did the son say, when he saw Mia's tits?
"Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia"

Guess who I saw today? Everybody I looked at.

Almost every house has a hot water heater. Why? You don't need to heat hot water.

Me: "Sorry boss can’t come in today my car has broken down".
Boss: "What about the bus?"
Me: "I don’t have a bus".

There are three things I can never remember.
Ummm...

Never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

Then you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

What’s the score between the sea and the shore?
It’s tide!

A lot of teenagers turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of teen drivers when they're making a turn.

I went to the doctor and said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’
He gave me a kite...

I just looked down at my shoes and one of them is not Right!

Penguin walks into an airport, security stops him and says:
"Penguins can't fly."

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn't

Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times. Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.

Her: You’re handsome.
Him: Thank you!
Her: What I meant was you have some hands.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop asked, "Analogue?" I said, "No, just a watch."

My mate Dave went on a blind date last night.
At the end of the night his date said “I’ve had a lovely evening Dave and I’d like to see you again. Let’s exchange numbers”
“I’d love to see you again” said Dave “But won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?”

My aunt married a man whose surname is Body, now I have an
Auntie Body.

If you want to get noticed,
go jogging without moving your arms

Salesman,
Would you like to buy a pocket calculator?
Man, No thanks,
I already know how many
pockets I have.

Soda machines are coiniverous

There are two types of people in the world: those who need closure and

I went for an interview on a building site today.
The foreman asked me: "Can you make tea?"
I said "Yes!"
He then asked: "Can you drive a forklift?"
I replied: "Why? How big's the kettle?"

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs.
I've been to the museum.
It's obvious they starved to death.

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of a giant's fingers.

I lost my job as a scuba diver. The company has gone under.

Don't dance in Greece!!
I did once and kept slipping over!!

I sit down so much, I understand.

A fish net is nothing more than a lot of little holes tied together.

Why don't you take a hoe to a hotel? 'Cause the hoe tell everybody!

What works faster than a calculator?

A calcu-sooner!

My boss said to date the cans of food. I tried to but they only like me as a friend.

Guess who I saw today!
Everyone I looked at!

A friend has a talking biscuit but I can never understand it. That’s the way the cookie mumbles.