Stupid Jokes - Unexpectedly Amusing.

I think that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking... I think.

I called the newspaper to place an a ad,
But I couldn't tell the lady about it
because it was classified .

I have been telling English jokes all my life, here is one in spanish.
Uno.

I saw a guy with 3 eyes, 1 leg and no arms hitchhiking.

I felt sorry for him and pulled up besides him and said " Eye eye eye, hop in you look armless.

Whats the difference between illegal and unlawful??

Ones an act against the law and the other is a sick bird!

I heard that stop signs were supposed to be square, but the transportation department decided to cut corners... 🛑

An idiot was standing on the pavement watching a funeral procession when a passerby asked, “Do you know whose funeral it is?”

The idiot replied, “I can’t say for sure. But I think it’s that guy’s in the coffin.”

Had to quit my construction job today I had to admit that I'm not strong enough to do the work anymore.So I gave them my Too Weak Notice.

Why don't penguins fly? They are not tall enough to be pilots.

Life Pro Tip:
Don't ever put ducks in a cement mixer…

You'll get quacks in the pavement!

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

How do you think the unthinkable?

Withe an itheberg!

I saw a sign that said falling rocks, so I tried and it doesn’t.

If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a dartboard on a ceiling.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.

I bought a vacuum at a sex shop- it fuckin sucks!

I just read that a radical section of the woodworker's union
has broken away and formed a splinter group.

I am having generation Gap with my own generation.

I bought this book called
'100 things to do before you die'
I got to 99 and thought I'd better stop reading this now.

Tonight I’m gonna have possum soup made from Himalayan possum...

Because I found Himalayan on the road.

It's a fact that 100% of people who drink water will eventually die.

Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on the side their ships...so when they return to port they can scandinavian!

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat slicer? He got a little behind in his work

This bloke just came up to me and said..
"Hello There"
I said
"I'm not There I'm Here".🤔

I accidentally called the fire department so i set my house on fire so i wouldn't look stupid.

The German word for bra is ...

stoppemfrumfloppen.

A bitch is a dog. A dog barks. Bark is on a tree. A tree is part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So ladies, next time someone calls you a bitch, thank them for the compliment.

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Woman: "Four."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"
Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

My friend called me
Him: what has a small dick and hangs down?
Me: I don't know
Him: bat, what has a big dick and hangs up?
And then he hung up the phone
I still don't understand

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it ?

Shouldn’t Hurricane Marco be followed by Hurricane Polo?

Can fat people go skinny dipping?

What’s something you couldn’t find on the Internet ?

She cried and I cried, so together we crew.

I like to imagine that the person who created the umbrella wanted to call it brella.

But they hesitated

Got my DNA test back today. Apparently I'm cock Asian. Not sure if that's the right spelling tho.

I wrote a song with a pun in it. I hope you enjoy it.
"You are right where I left you"

I've just released my own fragrance.
The people sitting near me on the bus didn't appreciate it.

What were barn owls called before barns were invented...?

I've just written a book called 'My Permanently Exposed Penis'. It's out now.

A 9 year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you 10 years younger...

I've decided I cannot blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. If I'm being honest, it was more of a Domino effect.

Molly: you remind me of a man
Polly: what man?
Molly: the man with the power
Polly: what power?
Molly: the power of voodoo
Polly: oo doo?
Molly: you do
Polly: do what?
Molly: remind me of a man...

If you're waiting for the waiter, doesn't that make you a waiter?

Little-known fact:
A pronoun is an upgrade from an amateur noun.

Q: Where can you find the biggest amount of the largest sized women's lingerie in the world?
A: In Africa: there's thousands of Z bras.

Times have really changed. I remember, as a kid I could go to the store with a dollar and come home with three bags of chips, two candy bars and a beverage.
Now they have cameras everywhere.

When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've all gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?"
"Well," said the bartender, "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper boots."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy, "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."

Man A: Can you Help me with this crossword
Man B: Sure
Man A: 4 Across Postman's satchel
Man B: How many letters?
Man A: Thousands I'd imagine.

It wasn't until I'd replaced all the windows in my house l realised l had a crack in my glasses.

Went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own wife?
Explain to me why I pay taxes.

Did you hear about the man who brought a sleeping bag ?
He spent two hours trying to wake it up.

Father having a heart attack says to his son,
"You have to call me an ambulance."
Son: "You're an ambulance"
Father (with last breath): "I'm so proud of you son".

My wife says I need to put on the mask before I leave the house. I always do.
I'm sure my dog is sick of that stupid movie though.

I own a shop selling Closed Signs,
We haven't had a single customer.

Is it cheating if your dog licks your balls?

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.

Imagine if vampires had blunt teeth and couldn't bite you?

They would just suck.

"If you fall, I'll be there."
-Floor

Did you ever realize that the word “bed” actually looks like a bed 🛌?

I saw an advert on tv for coconut shampoo !
Who on earth would want to wash a coconut? 🤔

Pls can I actually become a doctor by showing hospitality to people ?

I had a dog with no legs, called him cigarette.
Because I took him out every night for a drag.

Guy got his luxury car t-boned in an accident.
Suppose he saw how the Mercedes-Benz.

I think my cell phone is broken. I pressed the home button Buh I'm still in the office.

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon.
It teaches how to cook books.

Sad news yesterday, the chap who invented predictive text has passed away.
His funfair is next monkey.

“I’m going to take a shower”
“Make sure you put it back when you’re done!”

Just finished writing a book on penguins.
With hindsight I should have written it on paper

I have the memory of an elephant!
I went to the Zoo when I was 9 and saw an elephant.
I remember it.

Would spellcheck spell cheque cheque or would spellcheck spell cheque check??
🤔

A woman woke up during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?", he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

Yes, I do", she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?"

'Yes, I remember", says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues.

Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?""

'I remember that also", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!

And the fight started.

I was watching an Australian cookery program and the audience cheered when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised as the Australians normally boomerang.

If a bar of soap falls on the ground Is the soap dirty or the floor clean???

What's yellow and smells like bananas?
Monkey vomit.

Did you know that 10 out of 10 people die from death?

What did the bed say to the sheets?
"You gotta stop "sheeting " on me.

For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.

I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn.
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet.

Son: "I wonder what is at the end of the internet."

Dad: (talking behind his newspaper)"..The letter "t"..."
😎