Stupid Jokes - Unexpectedly Amusing.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor?

Did you hear about the missing Scandinavian airline pilot?
He simply vanished into Finnair!

If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that’s technically a dream come true.

I went to the store to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for the week-end.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I'd picked 7 up.

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away. If you hear someone coughing, tell them to... far cough.

😂😂😂

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I'll spend the night with you, but I've got to let you know up front that I'm on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That's OK. I'll follow you on my Moped.

My wife asked me if I would load the dishwasher and got mad when I got her a bottle of wine.

-Are you all right?
-No, I'm half left.

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flys like a banana.

Because they've spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.
Dave has a drunken idea. "Let's steal a bus!"
He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge.
Dave sticks his head round the door. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I can't find a number seven anywhere," says a distressed Eric.
"You idiot," shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. "Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way."

I found myself in a strange market place, how bazaar.

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'
'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

Paddy is on a bus when a young women sat opposite to him starts to breast feed her baby. "Come on eat up or I'll giv it to that man over there" she says to the baby.. 10 min later she is still feedin the baby and says "come on or mummy will giv it to that man ovr there"..Paddy looks over to the woman and says, "For heaven's sake missus will u make ur mind up. I shldv got off this bus 3 stops ago!

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said,: "We've got to give it back."
Sally said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said: "No."
Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

When people say they slept like a baby, does that mean they woke up 3 times during the night screaming & shit their pants?

We were so poor Mom made us use a fork to make the soup last longer.

I can read backwards.

I can read other words too.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Please keep off
the Grass.'

I planted weed at school
That's why they call it 'high school'

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor." 🚂

I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something.
S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u, I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."😊

If quizzes are quizzical,
What are tests?

Husband comes home and finds his wife sitting-up in bed with a massive pair of boobs that she didn't have earlier.He said "where did you get those from?" She said "I went to a trash and treasure market today and a man sold me a magic mirror,so I hung it behind the bathroom door and said"mirror mirror on the door,I have small boobs please give me more" and this is what happened." He said "wow, I might have a go." So he goes into the bathroom and says "mirror mirror on the door,make my willy touch the floor" and his legs fell off !

Before was was was, was was is.

Hey everyone! I just invented a new word!!
Plagiarism...😏

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.

Teacher : “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!” Nobody stands up
Teacher : “I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!” Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher : “Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?”
Little Johnny : “No… i just feel bad that you're standing alone…” 😁

A man driving a car hits a woman. 🚗
Whose fault is it?
The man's.
Why was he driving in the kitchen?

A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked his what he was suppose to be. He answered," A turtle." 'Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again. The boy answered, " it’s Michelle." 🐢

I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels.
I'm the spokesperson.

I asked some people what does
LGBTQ stands for.
So far, there's no straight answers.

What do you call a jew who isn't fully committed to their religion?
.
.
Jew-ish.

Filipinos be like:
Paul! be carepaul, you might paul in da swimming paul!

People who use the wrong word for things should at least have the humidity to admit it once in a while.

I asked my doctor how long can someone live without a brain. He said l don't know how old are you. 👨‍⚕️

A White Horse went into a Bar and said " A Pint of Lager "and The Barman said" Do you know that there is a Whisky named after You " and the Horse 🐴 said " What ERIC?

People who misuse their words on Facebook should be band. 🩹🩹

It's a 5 min. walk from my house to the bar, but it's a 45 min. walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.

I'm not racist, I love all races.
Except marathons.
Fuck running. 🏃‍♀️

What's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.

Periods aren't actually that bad, women are just ovary acting 😂

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy. 🐶

I saw some dude trick a vegan into eating real cheese.
How dairy! 🧀

My Uncle👴🏾 took my weed 💨 So I took his wheelchair ♿ Ain't Nobody 🙅🏾 rolling shit around here 😂

I ate a paper once and my fart smells like sheet!!! 👃

A polar bear walks into a convenience store and says, "I'll have a coke and uuuuuuuuuhhhh candy bar."
The clerk says, "ceetainly... but why the long pause"
The polar bear looks at his hands and says, "I dont know, I've always had them".

A priest, a rabbi and a horse walked into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this? a joke?"

My dad always said you should fight fire with fire.
Great man.
Awful fireman. 🔥🚒👩‍🚒

What’s green and brown has 6 legs and if it falls out a tree it’ll kill you?

A snooker table. 🎱

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer! 🧱

What do you call a dog with no legs...?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't going to come.

My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now we just call him Dav.🕊️

I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili 🌶

What’s the difference between a Zippo and a Hippo...

One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter !! 🦛

I wanted to purchase the famous painting called Water Lillies.

Sadly, I didn't have enough Monet......💰

"All I have is diamonds, spades and clubs.", Tom said heartlessly. 🃏

A blonde dude called the fire department screaming, "HURRY, MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" Fireman says, "Just tell us how to get there." Dude says, "Duh, big red truck"

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me poor and ugly.

New Tesla’s don’t come with the ‘new car smell’
They come with an Elon Musk 🚘

My Korean friend just died.
He was So Yung.

It really would be weird if trees produce milk.

Wooden tit? 🍼

I used to be indecisive, now I’m just not sure.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card.

She's not sick, I just think she could get better.

Patient: Doctor, my eye hurts whenever I have my morning coffee!
Doctor: Take the teaspoon out of the cup before you drink your coffee. ☕🥄

Hear about the cannibal who was fed up with his wife and then dumped her?

Why is the "L" in NOEL pronounced while it clearly says NOEL?

Who called it a toilet seat and not an asstray? 🚽🧻

The reason why short people are always angry is because they can't reach happiness.

If a short person waves at you, is that called a microwave ?

Q) Who declared Corona as a pandemic?
A) WHO declared Corona as a pandemic.

I once lived just a stones throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries. 😲

My hubby bought me an extremely tall lamp in the sales....
it was the high light of my day. ☝

What is pink and fluffy????
Pink fluff 😁

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

"A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.”
The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within”.

A lad says to his school teacher.
Here sir, what do you think I’ll be when I grow up,
The teacher thinks for a minute and then replies... about 45. 🧓

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out he was an optical Aleutian.👁

What do you call a soldier who survives Mustard Gas & Pepper Spray training?
A seasoned veteran. 😲

Did you hear the one about the tornado?
SPOILER ALERT...there's a twist at the end ! 🌪