Random criminal joke:
As an executioner, I often asked prisoners if they had a last request.
My last inmate asked me for a high five.
But I just left him hanging.
Selected criminal jokes:
Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?
Because they never finish their sentences.
I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.
We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.
I'm such an introvert that I keep a gun next to my bed to shoot myself when a thief enters my house just because I don't wanna go with the process of meeting him.
A burglar broke into a plumbing company. The cops had to flush him out!
More criminal jokes...
Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.
It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”
A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.
The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.
What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?
Dumb Criminals break laws.
Smart Criminals make laws.
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.
Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?
A con-census.
I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area.
It’s my pros and cons list.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY.
If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal.
Not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife.
How does a criminal prosecutor fix a half-baked closing statement?
She puts it into a conviction oven.
What is A criminal group of kangaroos called?
A Gangaroo.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".
I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".
"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."
"How so?"
"Well, for starters, I'm gay."
What do hookers and criminals have in common.
They’ve both been in hand cuffs.
What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?
Ass crack.
Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?
He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.
Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.
An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”
"Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into enemy's eyes?"
"Yes, that's assault."
"I know its a salt but, is it a crime?