Random friendship joke:
I told my friend that I had finally retired my aging car. He asked if I'd sold it or scrapped it..
I said nothing that drastic, I just put a new set of Michelins on it.
Selected friendship jokes:
Friend of mine puts blood, sweat and tears into everything he does. Great guy, awful chef.
A friend of mine makes pendulums for clocks. Tomorrow he’s going to swing by.
You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.
I was talking to a friend, and he told me his wife was a broad.
I looked at him and said that's pretty disrespectful.
He replied not really, she loves travelling overseas.
More friendship jokes...
My friend was cooking steaks today and said they cooked faster than expected. I told him "well done".
So my friend who is a fitness instructor just came up with a new exercise to lose pounds in just a matter of days...
He calls it the "Brexit".
I really look up to my tall friends.
My friend is trying to get in the Guiness Book of Records for counting backwards from a million...
He says he'll stop at nothing!
If you murder your best friend is that considered homiecide?
A friend started a submarine building company. Unfortunately it went under.
My friend had a breakdown which first manifested as a fear of barbers. After that, things got really hairy.
A friend of mine had Ham Flu. He had Swine Flu, then he was cured...
My mate doesn't know what 'far-fetched' means. Unbelievable.
If I were friends with a meteorologist I would tell them there's a 100% chance I'll be somewhere and then I wouldn't show up.
My circle of friends is so small I've started talking to myself!
Friend: you’re obsessed with murder.
Me: I’m surprised you would choose those as your last words.
Friends are like snowflakes...
If you pee on them they disappear
I told my friend I’d buy him a full English breakfast as long as he kept his hands out of his trousers. He didn’t touch his sausage.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest. A bit weird I know but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
I used to have a friend who kept changing the sound that his alarm clock made. I wonder what he’s getting up to now?
Friend: Why are you churning that milk?
Me: Trust me...it's butter this way.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food. REAL FRIENDS: are the reason why you don’t have food.
A friend bought me the wrong charity magazine today. It's not a Big Issue.
Everyone has one friend that they secretly hate.
Ever looked at your bestfriend and thought -why aren't we comedians-?
A friend’s desire to always think outside the box ended his career as a goalkeeper.
I have a good friend that is a theoretical physicist but he can't prove it.
My mates call me 'The Brick'.
I'm not hard, it's just that I've only been laid once.
A friend of mine lost his job at a fish supplies company. He opened a whole can of worms.
A friend of mine got into wearing camouflage so much that I don't see him anymore.
My friend can't stop bragging about the huge marlin he caught. I'm sick of him always fishing for compliments.
I accidentally asked my friend if he wants to go "boiling" instead of "bowling" and nowwww...
...we are in hot water.
That hibernation season has neared
Squirrels have started gathering NUTS
I can't find two of my best friends.
I've tried to make friends but I just can't get the DNA sequence right.
I went over to my friend's house and he told me to treat his house as if it was my own.
So I sold it.
My missus is an absolute saint who goes out of her way to help anyone in need. Only last week I came home early from work and there she was, giving up her own time to help my mate Dave study for his exam.
I didn't even know he was training to be a gynaecologist.
My friend from northern Spain is always at the beach.
She loves to Basque in the sun.
My mate thinks his glasses make him look smarter, i think its an optical delusion.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I'm married now and that's where I sleep...
A friend of mine failed his chair exam. He's going to resit.
A friend of mine makes pendulums for clocks. Tomorrow he’s going to swing by.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise.
friend: lol, can I tweet that.
me: *narrows eyes* can you what ?
My best pal passed away yesterday due to heartburn, I’m in tears man I can’t believe it. Gav is gone.
My friend and I, we send ballpoints and sharpies in the post. We are pen pals
A long lost friend of mine once said, "I bet you I could make it across the Sahara without a map or compass."
What are two janitors who live together called?
Broommates.
A friend of mine is a civil engineer. Well, he wouldn't be a friend if he wasn't civil.
My friend just told me - Guys, please put on your mask and face shield. It saves lives. Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.
A friend of mine does backing vocals. It's his voice on the "this vehicle is reversing" messages.
So, what do you call a check written out to one of your friends?
Check Mate.
A mate of mine, he died in a bowl of Muesli, he drowned...No way, What happened ? He got dragged in by a strong current.
A friend of mine had trouble evenly slicing a dessert.
When I did it, it was a piece of cake.
My mates wife said she was leaving him because he is obsessed with football.
He asked her is it a temporary or permanent transfer.