Jokes About Kids That Will Leave You in Stitches !

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket...

Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?".

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.The first little boy says, "Alligator.""Very good, that's a big word."The second boy says, "Predator.""Yes, that's another big word. Well done."Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."After nearly falling off her chair, she says,"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything.""Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left behind!"

Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” Asked Little Johnny.

“Nope.” Replied Jimmy.

“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy says. “Nope.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?” Asks Little Johnny.

“No.” Said Jimmy.

“I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were doing the nasty. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. “

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch.

He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid-stroke, turned and said angrily.

“What do you want now?”

“I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said.

“Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

Mom: Hey, what does IDK and IDC mean?
Daughter: I don't know and I don't care.
Mom: Well okay, guess I'll just ask someone else..

A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

Why did Sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock, whos there??
Not Sally.

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March.......

Kid goes to his mum , “ mummy , where do i come from ?

the mum panics , thinks quick and replies

“ the stork brought you johnny “

and he goes

“ oh yeah , we’ll who fucks the stork then “ ?

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "I've heard that's supposed to work. Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

A woman is pregnant with Triplets when she goes to the bank. A robber comes in and shoots her three times, hitting all three babies. Thankfully they all survived but the bullets were lodged inside them. Her surgeon told her they’d be ok but on their 18th birthday they’ll piss out the bullet.

18 years pass and the day arrived. First son calls, “Mom, I just pissed out a bullet”. Second son calls, “Mom I woke up this morning and there was a bullet in the bed!” Finally her third son calls, “holy fuck mom, i was jerking off and I just came so hard I shot the dog!”

Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?".

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. And then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars... but realistically, we're living with two tramps and a queer."

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K k k kiss (sniff) it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

A little boy is in the shower with his Mum when he points to her vagina and asks 'what's that Mum?'.
Mum replies 'well Son, that's my axe wound'.
The little boy exclaims 'wow that must have been a good shot, it got you right in the cunt!'

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

Caught my son picking up a dropped pencil
Noticed that he held his hand next to his heart while doing that
On asking why did he do that
He told me ..
' in school - the teacher bent to pick up the duster and both her "lungs" fell out .

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket...