100+ jokes about neighbours that will make your day !

I used to believe my neighbour when he said he slept standing upright.
But he's been lying.

My neighbours want me to come over for a threesome.
I told them I might be bi later.

I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbour."

I said, "Me too - cracking pair of tits!"

My L‌‌esbian neighbours Jane a‌‌nd Caroline a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌ecently.
They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌ere desperate to have a baby.

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

Neighbour: "Your wife has an amazing accent, where does she come from?"

Husband: "Usually the pub"..

My neighbor just got hired as a firefighter. His first job was to paint the truck, but he used the wrong color. He really blue it.

My neighbour said she thinks she knows who's stealing her underwear.
I nearly crapped her pants when she said that.

My neighbour just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Sex so good that neighbours come forward to congratulate.

Never kiss a person infront of your house, because love is blind, neighbors are not.

I fear my neighbor be stalking me, shes been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

I went bare hunting the other day... It was great, until my nosy neighbor called 911 about a naked man in the woods with a gun!

The neighbor that lives across the street is the head of an elementary school, the neighbor next door to me is the head of a high school. These are the principals I live by.

I just wanted to see if
My Neighbor's Laptop
Could fit inside my bag
And they are now calling
Me a Thief.

You know me,if I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor, and I mean that.
I will move to a rich neighborhood.

My neighbours want me to come over for a threesome.
I told them I might be bi later.

I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

I was testing my neighbors chicken if it was fast,now they call me a thief.

My neighbor just introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife as the lesser of two evils.

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.
We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.
Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

What's the worst thing I said to my neighbour when he complained that
his wife is frigid?
No, she isn't!

I used to live next door to a vampire. Man was he a pain in the neck.

A salesman knocked on my door earlier. "Who currently provides your Internet?" he asked. I said, "My next door neighbour."

My neighbor was very rude when I knocked on his door to ask him his favorite Michael Jackson song.
He said, "Beat it!"

Telling my neighbor about my new telescope –
I can see Uranus
Her: you can see planets?
Me: planets?

I saw a group of neighbors jogging past my house earlier and it really inspired me...

To get up and close the curtains.

I prefer sex with the lights on. It just makes it easier to see in the neighbors window.

Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science.
Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.

My wife got out of the shower naked and said, ‘darling pull the curtains, the neighbours might see me’
I said don’t worry, if they see you, they’ll pull their own curtains.

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and my neighbour Steve?
Steve's not a cunt.

Just helped my neighbour bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.
Her boyfriend would have helped, but he was out of town.

I thought one of the neighbours was taking the wheels off of my new Honda,without asking me..

Turned out,he was doing it on his own Accord.

My neighbor is a door-to-door stand-up comedian. He does a lot of Knock Knock jokes.

My neighbor, a Brit, had a swarm of bees in his back yard. I heard him tell the bees to behive themselves!

My neighbor was fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

Heard my neighbor yell "****" yesterday.
I thought this was impressive, because not many people can pronounce asterisks.

My neighbor is in to archery. For her birthday, her boyfriend made a container for her arrows. She now says that of all the men she has dated, he is the first to make her quiver.

I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.

I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.

A neighbour came round yesterday and borrowed one of my favourite tools. I let him take it but it was quite a wrench.

Neighbor: Why isn't your cat moving? He's just standing there!
Me: Oh, that's because he's on paws...

Jane was breastfeeding her son while her neighbour, Susan sat nearby.
Jane asked her friend, "Does my son resemble me or his father?"
Replied Susan, "He looks like you, but he sucks exactly like his father....."

I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbour."

I said, "Me too - cracking pair of tits!"

My neighbour banged on my wall at 3am this morning ,luckily i was still up listening to music ,and he shouts can you please give me a little respect, and I said coming right up ,I love erasure, too.

My neighbor is a musician who is currently serving time in jail. His wife is waiting for his next release.

My mate Dave’s wife, Julie said to him yesterday “Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?”

“How can I?” said Dave “I’ve never met the woman”

Q: Where do horses live?
A: In neigh-borhoods.

My neighbor is a grave digger, and he really digs his job.

Saw my neighbor fill his canoe with vanilla ice cream and root beer.
Kinda strange but hey, whatever floats his boat.

I'm at my neighbor's house having the most delicious dinner.

Hope I finish before they get home!

My next door neighbour said to me "Is it ok if I use your lawnmower?" I said "Certainly, just don't take it out of my garden".

If I am reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creep next door.

My local Council have insisted I remove the electric fence around my property...

Just because my neighbour is dead against it!

My wifi suddenly stop working, then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill.

How irresponsible people are.

Just been talking to my neighbour who does sewing for a living..

She seamstressed out.

Yesterday morning I called my neighbour to ask if he and his wife could enjoy each other a little more quiet.
He told me he wasn't home.

"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.

Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"

"I wasn't talking about his age!"

Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....
feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.
Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

My neighbour is an avid gardener.
He was up digging at three in the morning.

And he's so good that the next day the police came to see his work.

My musician neighbour is scaring me.
I heard him fingering a minor.

I used to believe my neighbour when he said he slept standing upright.
But he's been lying.

My neighbour is a clown for childrens parties. Evertime I turn my back to get ready for bed, he sneaks into my house in full costume and starts banging my wife. I can see them, in the mirror, going at it while I'm brushing my teeth.
They keep on telling me that I'll look back and laugh at it one day.

Husband: Oh No! our neighbour has died.

Wife: Who, Ray?

Husband: I don't think cheering is appropriate Karen.

So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.
"I'm alphabetising all my plants"

"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"

"It's right next to the sage"

My neighbour asked me to stop playing Oasis songs all night long
I said maybe...

My neighbour has a fetish for holidays.
I thought he was just jealous when he asked "Can I come in your suitcase?"

Neighbour's 8 year old son: Corona has looted half my inheritance
Me: How?

Him: My mom is pregnant.

My two British neighbours had their donkey escape from the barn, and are desperately looking for it.
They are assless chaps.

My neighbour was arrested for killing a black man.
He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An "i miss you" card to my neighbour John.
Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.

So my neighbour with the big titties is outside gardening topless again today.
I just wish his wife would do the same.