Random British joke:

After touring Britain's farmland, one Prime Minister was moved to write a book about it.
She called it:

British jokes collection.

Selected British jokes:

Yorkshire Constabulary have had all of their maps stolen. A spokesman said that they are searching for Leeds.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I've always been passionate about being able to afford food.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

More British jokes...

In England Bigfoot is called Bigmeter.

Just once I'd like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave".

Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England.

It’s a massive Boost for the economy.

"In Scotland, the word 'fucking' is just a warning that a noun is on its way" - Frankie Boyle.

I've been asked if I would run the London Marathon next year..
I said, I'm flattered to be asked, but I don't think I could organise such a big event!

The difference between Watt and Ohm...
Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

What do you say to a British person who has just injured himself?


An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and says, "Be jesus, how big is the teapot?"

3 Irish men in a pub
called Mick, Pat and Tat.
The barman says "Are you all related?"
Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!"
Barman said "Triplets!,
how come you and Pat are 6ft tall, and Tat is only 4ft tall?",
"Well!" said Mick "Me and Pat were
breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!

There is a place I heard where you can ride a pig instead of a bull.
It's called Bucking Ham Palace.

If England is on the metric system, why isn't police headquarters called Scotland Meter?

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad.

What city in Scotland reminds me of a guy with a donkey?
Ed and burro!

Paddy sees a poster "Irishman wanted for rape and murder" and into the police station he goes to apply for the job.

Did you hear about the Irish circumsiser? He slipped and got the sack.

When I visit London, sometimes I sleep at the airport to save money; but when the security guard comes at night Heathrows me out.

Did you hear Big Ben collapsed in London?

Thankfully they've got clean up crews working around the clock.

While visiting the Royal Palace we were invited to a ceremony
where Knights were
receiving awards.
It was a Sir prize party.

What does a British real estate agent care most about?
His proper tea.

Do you know how Scottish men find sheep in a tall field ? Very satisfying.

What's a British spy's secret fetish?
Bondage, James Bondage.

Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights.
Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...
He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.

Cases continue to rise…

(In Scottish accent) Whats wrong with Mickey Mouses helicopter? Disneyland.

Many people from the UK have pale skin. They're like bleached Wales.

How do you spot a dyslexic Yorkshire man? ...

He's the one with a cat flap on his head..

They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" Where Blacksmiths. "Taylors", Where Tailors What the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

I just got my ancestry results back, turns out Im 1/3 Scotch, and 2/3 soda.

Bob thought it wise for he and Marsha to move to Greenwich, England. In the Mean Time,...

Me: Doc, my dog, he has no nose.

Doc: How's he smell then?

Me: Pretty bad actually!

What do Scottish frogs play? Hop-Scotch.

A panoramic view of London is easy on the Eye.

🦇 + 🌳 = 🔋

Follow me for more tips on how to speak in a British accent!

In Asia, he's Yeti. In America, he's Bigfoot.
In the UK, he's Bigmeter.

What is yellow, with big white hands and feet, and gets stranded in netting ?
A Scottish goalkeeper.

Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.
Cases continue to rise…

The people repairing the roof above Big Ben are working over time.

Some friends came round yesterday and accused me of trying to act posh.

I had the butler show them the door.

Intel have announced that they won't be building a new chip factory in the UK, we'll as a point of principle I won't be buying any of their fish either.

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess they’re just raised differently.

My mate asked me the name of my favourite place in Wales. I said it’s difficult to say.

Scam email warning:
If you receive an email saying you have won tickets to watch Arsenal don't open it, it contains tickets to watch Arsenal.

QUESTION: Does England have a 4th of July?
Answer: Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

Q: What does a British owl say?
A: “Whom, whom”

There was an Irish botanist trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy.
He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

Did you hear about the victims in Scotland? Someone kilt them.

Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early.

I decided to trace my pet frogs ancestry...

Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

I slept under my car last night because I needed to get up oily this morning.

Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an official visit. He says to the president, 'Where's the Shah?'
'What do you mean?', replies the president. 'There is no shah. We got rid of the shah years ago.'
'Alright then', says Prince Charles, 'in that case I'll have a bath”

I just spilled Vanish washing powder over my AA road map of South England.

Doesn’t seem to have done much damage although i think it’s removed Staines….

I found £20. I'm not going to spend it all but I will party like its £19.99.

Nowadays everyone has tables and chairs outside and they call it a patio.
We did that back in the 1950’s but we called it eviction.

What is the difference between a set of bagpipes and a two stroke moped? You can tune the moped.

Scottish Joke
Two cows in the field which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf ….

Anyone can pick a pickle
but only an Englishman can Pick-a-dilly.

My Grandad fought with Churchill...
no not Winston....
The insurance company !

I just want to let people know that I feel so strongly about graffiti in public toilets, I've signed a partition....

Bloke goes into Tesco and asks "Can I exchange these two bags of raisins for sultanas please"
Sales assistant says "Yes but I can only give you one bag of sultanas for them."
"Why’s that?" he asks
She replies "That’s the currant exchange rate"

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.
I thought: 'This could be interesting.'

Someone removed all motorway signs in Yorkshire.
The police are currently looking for Leeds.

What do Michael Jackson and the Scottish goalkeeper have in common.

They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Whilst waiting at the bus stop,
someone asked me,
“how long is the next bus”?
“mmmm about 38 feet” I replied

My son accused me of living in the past.

I laughed heartily, gave the little scamp a shilling and sent him on his way.

The best place in Wales to toilet your dog?

I went to the flea market today. After looking at all the stalls, I left disappointed. They didn't have any.....

Said to my mate, i saw this couple in London having sex on the common,

he said Clapham ??, i said they didn't need any fucking encouragement!!!!!!!

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland.

He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him "Where am i?"

the irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't fool me, i know you're in that basket!"

You can usually tell when it’s summer in Britain because the rain is warmer.

More british jokes on the following pages...