Ah, British humour, that delightful concoction of irony and wit.
To be or not to be? That is the question. Nah, just put the kettle on.
British Jokes Galore - Banish Boredom with Hilarious Humour.
-“Excavators have found a series of unexplored tunnels at a site in a Welsh town.”
-“Underneath?”
-“No, under Rhyl.”
Me and a friend went up to the Ryanair check-in desk.
The girl asked: "Do you have reservations?"
I said: "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway."
Me: "Excuse me, but could you show me where the self help books are?"
Librarian: "Yes, but that would kind of defeat the purpose"
There was a young lady from Hyde ,
who ate some green apples and died ,
the apples fermented ,
inside the lamented
,and made cider inside her insides.
BREAKING: The Chancellor has announced that Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England...
It's a massive Boost for the economy!
So I went to my local Costa Coffee Shop and said to the barista:
"Can I have a cappuccino please?"
She said: '"Is that to sit in?"
I said: "No, I'm going to drink it."
Over £20k worth of wigs stolen last night, police are combing the area for evidence.
At our local chippy, they still use old newspaper to wrap up their fish and chips.
Yesterday I got a plaice in the sun.
Two Teddy bears in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army?
The one on the tank.
So I asked the Librarian: "Do you have Great Expectations?"
She said: "I did but ended up working in a library".
His orthodox unorthodoxy was a thing to behold.
Didn’t you mean orthodexy?
No. It ends in oxy, moron!
Someone has just told me that I don't know how to shave properly...
bloody cheek!
My dad had a map of the UK tattooed all over his body. Some people thought it a little strange, but at least you knew where you were with him.
"I was born in England"
"Really? What part?"
"All of me....."
Had a mixup at Lidl today...
When the cashier said “strip down facing me,” apparently she was referring to my credit card.
English humor is a blend of sophistication and silliness, like a top hat-wearing clown.
This bloke at the races came over and whispered: "Do you want the winner of the next race?".
I said: "No thanks, I've only got a small garden".
2 Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three and heaved it in.
As they were standing there, looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "G'day, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about 100 MPH and jumped head first into this hole!"
The old farmer said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box!!..
4 blokes walk into a London pub and order 4 pints of beer.
The Landlord is serving and says "That'll be 40 pence please".
30 minutes later they order another 4 pints of beer. Again, the round comes to 40 pence. They look at each other in disbelief. One chap pipes up and asks the landlord "Excuse me Sir, we've now bought 2 rounds of drinks and haven't even spent a pound yet. How do you sell it so cheap?"
"Well", the landlord said, "A few years ago I came into a lot of money by winning the lottery. I always promised myself that I would like to buy my own pub and pass on my good fortune to others, hence why beer is 10 pence a pint ".
"Oh,wow!" said one of the men. "But tell me, there's a group of men over there sat at the table who haven't bought anything since we've been here, what's up with them? "
"Oh them" said the landlord, "They're down from Scotland for the day and are waiting for Happy Hour half-price drinks ".
Yorkshire Constabulary have had all of their maps stolen. A spokesman said that they are searching for Leeds.
Bill: l went Potholing last week.
Bob: In the Yorkshire Dales or the Peak District?
Bill: No, in my car
My bag for life died this morning. Should I be worried?
Q: Why did the Irishman only eat 239 beans? A: Because one more would be too farty.
Yesterday my friends asked me to go running with them to start getting fit, so I've made a list of the things I will need:
1. New friends.
Isn’t it strange that Selfridges don’t even sell fridges?
Pound Land have just announced a successful take over of all the 99p stores.
The staff of the 99p company have all been told by Pound Land that there will be no change in their store.
My first flat was so close to Heathrow airport, that every time I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, a stewardess told me to get back to my seat!
BREAKING NEWS!
An earthquake has hit near a biscuit factory in the North of England last night.
It measured 2.8 on the Rich Tea scale...
I painted half my face like a clown and went for a drive.......
Not sure if everyone saw the funny side.
My wife and me often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
I've just seen this bloke walking down the street pulling a piece of String.
I asked him "Why are you pulling that piece of String?"
He replied: "Have you ever tried Pushing it!?"
English jokes are like a fine wine - they get better with age, leaving you intoxicated with laughter.
- “How far is it from London to Edinburgh?”
- “As the crow flies?”
- *flapping arms “How far is it from London to Edinburgh?”
There's a new British version of Breaking Bad in the works, to fit in with British tastes it's going to be called Baking Bread...
A man is out walking his dog when the Liverpool score comes in, 3-2 to Man Utd. The dog bares his teeth, growls & goes into a frenzied rage.
A passer by see this & asks, "Jesus what does the dog do if Liverpool win?"
"I don’t know," says the man. "I've only had it since Xmas!"
I always call a spade a spade, until about 10 minutes ago when I tripped over one in the garden!
Someone has collapsed on the London Eye. Medics on the scene report that he is coming around slowly.
Matthew McConaughey: All right, all right, all right
UK Matthew McConaughey: quite right, quite right, quite right
What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?
Sean DeLear.
What is the most common owl in the UK?
The teatowel.
The first house I lived in was so bad, the Council pulled it down and built a slum!
I suspected my wife was having an affair with Simon Le Bon.
I confronted her the other night and asked : ‘Is there something I should know?’
I have just seen two 1 quid coins having a boxing match.
That was the best pound for pound fight I've ever seen! ☺️
After touring Britain's farmland, one Prime Minister was moved to write a book about it.
She called it:
THATCHER IN THE RYE.
Me: Did you hear about Mr Hippies wife falling into the river
Son: Mrs Hippy?
Me: No the River Thames.
The wife asked me if I'd like to see her in something long and flowing on New Year's Eve.
I said, "The Thames would be nice."
An Irish couple, an English couple and a Scottish couple are having breakfast together in a hotel..
The English husband says "could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" to his wife.
The Scot follows suit, says to his wife "could you pass me the honey, honey?"
The Irishman then turns to his wife and says "could you pass me the milk you fucking cow?"
British jokes are like a puzzle that only the cleverest minds can solve, while the rest of us laugh in confusion.
I've just asked this guide at The Tower of London if he was a Beefeater..?
He said..
"No I'm a Vegetarian"..
do british people still do the accent when nobody's around?
I once made a satellite dish out of an old pudding tray but we could only pick up Yorkshire.
How much do cockneys spend on shampoo?
Pantene.
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.
The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Rice ......a speed competition between people in Birmingham.
A man jumps in a taxi.
King Arthur's Close , he says
The driver says, Dont worry sir I,ll lose him at the next set of traffic lights.
When I moved to the USA from the U.K. I was frequently asked if we have July 4th in England. I said no, goes from July 3rd straight to the 5th.
I went to the doctor and said I feel like a small island off the coast of Britain. He said ‘Don’t be Scilly’.
English be confusing sometimes.
"The dove dove into the nest"
"That can can hold two litres of water"
Indoor pools have reopened in England.
To avoid contamination, there’ll be no water in lanes 1, 3, 5 & 7.
Stay safe!
Is “Otorhinolaryngologist” the most difficult word to pronounce in the English language?
It’s hard to say.
If a window fell out of Buckingham Palace and hit your bottom, would that be a...
Royal pane in the ass??
♔♕
The UK police are really out of order. I asked the officer why he arrested my cell phone and he replied "it's being charged with battery!".
After being escorted out of Kings Cross Station with concussion, I'm beginning to think my Hogwarts acceptance letter was a hoax.