Hilarious Gentlemen Jokes That Will Really Make Your Day !

Hold a door for a lady and you are called a Gentleman.
Hold a revolving door and people will call you an Asshole.

A gentleman and his wife are out to dinner with some friends.
In conversation, the man goes to tell his friend about a restaurant he took his wife to the other day.

"Oh, it was absolutely fantastic. The food was perfect, the service was quick. For $12 we got five plates absolutely filled with the best food we've ever eaten! I'll never forget this restaurant in my life. It was called...um...uh...that flower, what's that flower that smells good, it's got red petals, and it's got thorns up and down the stem--"

His friend replies, "A rose?"

"Yes!" He turns to his wife and says, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant?"

John had a few drinks and was traveling on a train. The ticket checker stopped and asked John to show his ticket. John was searching his pockets and wallet.
The ticket checker said "it's alright, you seem to be a respectable gentleman. No need to show your ticket."
John insisted "I need the ticket for real, to find out where I am going"

A Gentleman happening to turn up against a House to make Water,
did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, ‘till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh.

I fuck like a gentleman.
The pleasure's all mine.

Saw two gentlemen on the street arguing over a bus pass.
It was a fare fight.

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline
and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."
Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

Hold a door for a lady and you are called a Gentleman.
Hold a revolving door and people will call you an Asshole.

Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road
When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ever see. If I were you I would have kick the dog's butt instead of rewarding it.

The blind gentleman says: Yes, so would I normally. But I first have to figure out which end is the butt.

An older gentleman goes with his wife to the doctor.
The doctor asks to see the man alone in the hallway.

Once they're alone the doctor says to the man, "There's been a mix-up in your wife's test results. It might take a few days to a week to clear up. What we do know, though, is that she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The man cries out, "This is terrible! What should I do?"

"Well.", replied the doctor, "If I were you, I'd take her and drop her off on the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.
After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra..
"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about that anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

A gentleman and his wife are out to dinner with some friends.
In conversation, the man goes to tell his friend about a restaurant he took his wife to the other day.

"Oh, it was absolutely fantastic. The food was perfect, the service was quick. For $12 we got five plates absolutely filled with the best food we've ever eaten! I'll never forget this restaurant in my life. It was called...um...uh...that flower, what's that flower that smells good, it's got red petals, and it's got thorns up and down the stem--"

His friend replies, "A rose?"

"Yes!" He turns to his wife and says, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant?"

Am elderly gentleman with hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.
After a month he goes back for a checkup and the doctor asks him how things are going now that he can hear everything and if his friends and family have said anything.

The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will five times already!"

An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....
out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

My penis is a gentleman.
It stands up so women have a place to sit down.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leave together.

The next night, the older guy is there, and the same thing happens. Same guy enters, sits at the bar, orders a drink, and quickly finds another attractive young thing, whispers in her ear, and they leave together.

Next night, unbelievably, it happens again. So on the fourth night, the older guy finally stops the younger guy and asks, "Excuse me, but how are you doing that? I've seen you pick up 3 ladies in 3 nights". The younger guy replies, "It's easy, I just whisper 'Tickle your ass with a feather?'. If they say yes, then we leave. If they are offended, then I tell them I said 'Typically nasty weather'."

The older guy thanks the younger one and waits for his turn. Eventually a single lady plants herself at the bar. After a few minutes, the older guy goes over and shouts "Stick a feather in your ass?" The lady turns around and glares at him, "Excuse me?"

"Fucking rain."

And old english gentleman is sitting in his study.
Suddenly his buttler crashes in through the door and screams "SIR! We are flooding! There's water everywhere..."

"James! This is most irregular. Please leave and come in again with the dignity that is inherent to English gentlemen!"

The buttler bows himself out and then comes in again:

"Sir, Flash flood, the River is..."

But the lord interrupts him "James, please compose yourself and deliver the message with calmness and dignity! Out you go!"

James steps outside and then opens the door again and calmly states.

"Sir, it is my very good honor to introduce to you the river Thames"

John had a few drinks and was traveling on a train. The ticket checker stopped and asked John to show his ticket. John was searching his pockets and wallet.
The ticket checker said "it's alright, you seem to be a respectable gentleman. No need to show your ticket."
John insisted "I need the ticket for real, to find out where I am going"

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

The age of consent here is 17. But I am a gentleman...
I ask for consent regardless of age!

An older gentleman orders three shots - one for him, and one for each of his brothers back home in Ireland.
He explains to the bartender "I had to move to America to help my wife care for her in-laws, and I miss my family back home. So I'm having a shot here for my brother Seamus, and another for my brother Michael." He downs the three shots, makes a little more small talk with the bartender, and heads home.
For a few weeks, he makes this an almost nightly tribute.
But about a month after the man started, the bartender notices that it's been a little longer than usual since he's seen his regular customer. Finally though, he's relieved to see the man come in - albeit, looking depressed. "Three shots?" asks the barman.
With a sigh, the customer responds "just two from now on".
"Oh no," says the bartender. "I'm so sorry. Is it Seamus, or Michael?"
"It's not that," the man says. "I've just decided to quit drinking."

As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool...
She said “let’s see how the date goes first”

An English gentleman was waiting at a bus stop...
...standing next to him was a very attractive woman in a very short dress. A sudden breeze caused her dress to fly up revealing she had no panties on. The English gentleman witnessed this and being a bit flustered said, "Bit airy, isn't it"
The woman replied, "What were you expecting? Feathers?"

A Gentleman happening to turn up against a House to make Water,
did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, ‘till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh.

A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas . Sitting in a cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!", gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Why yes, replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."

A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.
She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away....
A gentleman approached the lady and said .....
"Ma'am, ....
I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"....
The lady replied, ......
"Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away".....
"I understand,..ma'am,.....but .... you aren't wearing any panties", .....replied the gentleman.
The lady looked down then ......back up at the gentleman and said,
- "Sir, .... anything you see down that is 60 years old. I bought this hat yesterday"

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON”
The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”

What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?
A ginger bred man.

Older gentleman walks into the brothel...
... He walks towards the brothel mama, as she greets him he says:

"I would like something special"

She looks at him with judging eye:

"Well we have something nobody else has, but it's quite pricey, are you sure you want it?"

He smiles:

"Don't worry, money are not problem for me."

"We offer sex with recently deceased women for 3 thousand." she replies.

He hands over the money and she gives him directions to the room he is supposed to go to. He goes inside, and there it is, carcass looking as a living woman just a bit paler and cold to the touch. He does his thing thoroughly enjoying himself and as he leaves brothel mama stops him to ask whether he is satisfied.

"So how was it any complaints?"

"Overall it was good spent money, as I never had anything like that, but as I came a little piece of booger started to leak from her nose." he says.

"Oh my, I'm sorry I'll take care of that." she takes the phone out calling the janitor:

"Hi there, number 3 is full, we need another one."

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.”
And the wife responded, “What property? … the schmuck had a paper route!!”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”
The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

I am always a Gentleman.
I always open doors for a Ladies.

I was holding a door open for a young lady

Yesterday, ignorant bitch said to me.

"Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit."

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”