Cracking Up Dishes and Jokes.
"My biggest dream in life? Dusting and doing laundry... said no supermodel ever."
- Kate Moss
"I've always wanted to give up fame and fortune to be a housewife. Just kidding, that's my worst nightmare!"
- Jennifer Lawrence
From Laundry Crusaders to Comedy Connoisseurs: Housewives Rule!
The term domestic housewife implies there are feral ones and now I have a new goal.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
All work and no pay makes a housewife.
What do you call a slutty housewife?
A dirty dishwasher.
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
'Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am,' he said politely, ' but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread!' 'That's right.' 'Every day you wallop him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were hitting him with a chocolate cake....?' 'Well, today is his birthday!'
My housewife wanted to go back to college.
At first I was skeptical, but eventually I agreed to a degree.
A middle-aged housewife decides to donate her old clothes to charity
Wife: "I've gathered up some old clothes and I need you to drop them off at the church charity."
Husband: *Groaning* " Why not just throw them out? It's easier that way."
Wife: "Because there are people out there who are poor and starving that need these clothes."
Husband: "Darling, anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving."
A plumber is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!
A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband
"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.
Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.
After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."
"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."
An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
Stuck in a Sea of Chores? Dive into Hilarious Housewife Humor!
So a housewife is preparing thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, "are you hungry, dear?"
And the turkey answers, "no, I'm stuffed."
You know what's the difference between a housewife and a politician?
The housewife thinks about doing her taxes while having sex.
The politician thinks about having sex while spending your taxes.
What's the difference between a hooker, a lover and a housewife?
A hooker says "Faster! faster!"
A lover says "Slower....slooower..."
A housewife says "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"
I've sent her my washing, that should keep her busy.
My girlfriend told me there is no way you can turn a hoe into a housewife.
I said "Yes you can".
She said "How"?
Q: What do a handgrenade and a housewife have in common?
A: Once you pull the ring your house is gone.
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.