Irish Jokes: A Pot of Gold for Your Funny Bone.

Why do Irishmen wear two condoms?
.
.
.
To be sure, to be sure! 😛

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and says, "Be jesus, how big is the teapot?"

3 Irish men in a pub
called Mick, Pat and Tat.
The barman says "Are you all related?"
Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!"
Barman said "Triplets!,
how come you and Pat are 6ft tall, and Tat is only 4ft tall?",
"Well!" said Mick "Me and Pat were
breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!

Every woman named Iris is 80% Irish.

Did you hear about the Irish circumsiser? He slipped and got the sack.

How do the Irish cure a hangover?
With a funeral.

My Grandma was 80% Irish

People called her Iris.

Reading this fabulous book called “The Irish Dentist” by Perry O’Donnel. Forward by Ginger Vitis.

Last night, I changed a lightbulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realised my entire life is a joke....

There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...
He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....
out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

An older gentleman orders three shots - one for him, and one for each of his brothers back home in Ireland.
He explains to the bartender "I had to move to America to help my wife care for her in-laws, and I miss my family back home. So I'm having a shot here for my brother Seamus, and another for my brother Michael." He downs the three shots, makes a little more small talk with the bartender, and heads home.
For a few weeks, he makes this an almost nightly tribute.
But about a month after the man started, the bartender notices that it's been a little longer than usual since he's seen his regular customer. Finally though, he's relieved to see the man come in - albeit, looking depressed. "Three shots?" asks the barman.
With a sigh, the customer responds "just two from now on".
"Oh no," says the bartender. "I'm so sorry. Is it Seamus, or Michael?"
"It's not that," the man says. "I've just decided to quit drinking."

There was an Irish botanist trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy.
He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

I decided to trace my pet frogs ancestry...

Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

Are you from Ireland? cuz I can feel my penis Dublin!

My grandmother is 80% Irish.
They call her Iris.

I'm half Irish, half Mexican.
I identify as Leprechano.

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland.

He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him "Where am i?"

the irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't fool me, i know you're in that basket!"

Where in Ireland would you find the most South Park fans? Kilkenny.

What do we want?
Northern Irish accents.
When do we want them?
Noy.

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.
They had been queuing for five months to see “Closed For The Winter.”

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a
Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.
The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

They argued for hours over which was better: Irish whiskey or scotch. It was a very spirited debate.

Irish guy goes on Mastermind:
"Your chosen subject?" Magnus Magnusson asked.
"Easter Rising of 1916, sir," replied Pat.
"Time starts now ... How long did the Easter Rising last?"
"Pass."
"Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
"How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
"That's right, Pat - don't tell the bastards anything!"

An Englishman,an Irishman,a Scotsman and a doctor went into a pub.
The doctor said, ‘I’m awfully sorry, but I seem to be in the wrong joke.’

What's Irish and sits outside all day?
Patty O'Furniture!

Why should you only make Irish soup with 239 beans?
Because one more would be too farty!

Q: Why did the Irishman only eat 239 beans? A: Because one more would be too farty.

What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?

Sean DeLear.

An Irish couple, an English couple and a Scottish couple are having breakfast together in a hotel..
The English husband says "could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" to his wife.

The Scot follows suit, says to his wife "could you pass me the honey, honey?"

The Irishman then turns to his wife and says "could you pass me the milk you fucking cow?"

A Scottish man walks into a bar..
…There’s usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they’re still at the Rugby World Cup.

What do we want?
Northern Ireland accents.
When do we want them?
NOY...

What do you call an Irish millionaire?
A ginger bread man.

Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
A. So the Irish would never rule the world!

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls..."

A young Irish gay man decides it's time to come out to his mother
'I've got some news to tell you mammy. I'm gay'
'Really, son. Well that's a bit of a shock, but whatever makes you happy makes me happy. But can I ask you two questions?
'Er, okay.'
'Do you like that there cocksucking. Getting a big hairy cock in your mouth and sucking it like a lollipop?'
'Yeah, sometimes'
'And do you like that there rimming. Getting your tongue up into some other man's hairy arsehole and having a good rummage around?'
'Well, not every night, but I've done it a few times'
'Ah, well, thats fair enough son. Just don't ever complain about the taste of my fookin cooking again!'

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.
I am now in Ireland starting a new life.

I wonder if the 2 Irish kids off the Titanic movie who went to sleep before it sank had wet dreams?

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
The president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland .'

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote corner of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf doesn't recognise Tiger, and greets him in typical Irish fashion.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger, who is familiar with Irish customs, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"
Tiger then bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what on the good earth are they fer?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin' hell," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

Irish they’d use birth control in Ireland. Lass time I checked their population was Dublin.

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'
'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

I wish to wash my Irish wristwatch ⌚

An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, " I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar. Some time passes and the Irishman comes back in the pub and approaches the American. "Is yer bet still on the table?" The American replies, "Sure it is! Bartender get this man his drinks." The bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar. The Irishman starts drinking and drinks up all the Guinness in less than 10 minutes. Astonished the American hands over the money and asks, "Well, may I ask where you went earlier?" The Irishman replies with a smirk, "I went to the pub next door to see if I could do it."