Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...
...just to ask me what time it is.

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette with beautiful blue eyes. He is instantly infatuated with her!

After his business presentation, he walks out of the board room and approaches this beautiful woman. He is very outspoken and immediately asks her to marry him! She's taken aback at the proposal, but she doesn't want to lose a potential client for her company by saying a flat out "no". So, if he fulfills three tasks of her choosing, she will marry him.

Her first request: "Within two weeks, build an 8-lane bridge -- entirely made of platinum -- spanning from Japan to Los Angeles." He replies: "I build! I build!" ... the bridge is completed in only 13 days! She is shocked that he is capable to accomplish this task within such a short time restraint.

Her second request: "Within one week, you must build a super-sonic overhead rail system that connects every major city in the USA, that takes only an hour to reach any city that the passengers desire." He replies: "I build! I build!" ... the rail system -- complete with 5,000 stops -- is constructed within 5 days!

Her last request: "I insist on having a husband with a twelve inch penis." He replies: "I cut! I cut!"

First time I saw a dry erase board I said that "remarkable".

Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,.. Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of. The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green, I love your legs and what’s in between. I like your style, I like your class, But most of all I love your ass.
And to the other girl he wrote:
* * * Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly! Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!

One thing nobody ever talks about when you're an adult, is how much time you debate yourself about keeping a cardboard box because it's, like, a really good box.

How did the person who first invented the clock, know what time is was?

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

My wife left me a note before leaving for work which read..

"Put washing on - do 2 hour cycle"

It took me 4 hours to buy a bike and ride home so didn't have time for the laundry.

My company is offering a time management class I desperately need, but I can't work it into my schedule!

I just realized that the only time I'm good at dancing is when I'm about to pee my pants.

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."
- Marcus Aurelius

Later is the best time to do anything.

“Every time you light a lighter,the lighter the lighter is”.

"Understand me. I am not an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I don't have time for things that have no soul.”
~ Charles Bukowski

I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a coin in the jar.
The jar is currently half empty.

Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.

"What time is it?"
I don't know... it keeps changing.

My wife thinks I spend too much time talking to random people on line.
What do you think?

"One of the greatest problems of our time is that many are schooled but few are educated."

• Thomas More

By the time you realize, what your parents said was RIGHT You'll have kids who begin to think you're WRONG.

“Dad, I failed my test.”
“Well, I think it’s time to get your eyes checked.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’m your mom.”

Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

We are all time travelers... moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring.

I want to like mornings but I can’t because they happen at the wrong time of day.

Daniel Craig appeared grey in his latest Bond film cause he had no time to dye.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

The wife says we need to have a chat about my childish behaviour.

Like I've got time for that during conker season.

Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of... I wake up.

Boss: I need you here on time and ready to work.
Me: Pick one bro...

In my spare time I make clocks that go backwards.

What do you do to unwind?

When chuck Norris went to college he told his dad it was time to step up and be man of the house.

How does being pregnant make you feel?
Like a superhero. Well, a really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and isn’t allowed to lift heavy objects.

Why do you get 7 years of bad luck when you break a mirror?
So it gives you enough time to reflect on your mistake.

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner ~ he’s a boxer.

Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

My missus is an absolute saint who goes out of her way to help anyone in need. Only last week I came home early from work and there she was, giving up her own time to help my mate Dave study for his exam.
I didn't even know he was training to be a gynaecologist.

Advice please: is it okay to ask my wife what time tea is ready,
Or should I wait until she's finished cleaning the car ?

I bought five watches the other day. I have a lot of time on my hands....

Texting typos can change your life.

"Having a great time wish you were her"

The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point.

What's the perfect amount of time to microwave your popcorn?

I can't tell you, it's pop secret.

HUSBANDS ARE LIKE WINE... THEY TAKE A LONG TIME TO MATURE!

Every time I walk through baggage reclaim at an airport, I burst into tears. I'm case sensitive.

Husband:Are you ready yet love? We need to leave now if we’re going to be on time to see Les Miserables.
Wife: I’m coming dear, and I really wish you wouldn’t refer to our visits to my parents like that Pierre!!

I feel like as if for what that I sometimes but not all the time I use too many words in a sentence that I don’t really necessarily have to or need to.

My girlfriend said she needs time and space. I think she's calculating velocity. She's so smart.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

I had lunch at the Time Travel Buffet and went back four seconds.

Judge to defendant - "Have you ever been up before me?"
Defendant - "I'm not sure, what time do you normally wake up?"

Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.