Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.

Mr. Martingale and Miss Scalper go out on a date.
Mr. Martingale is thinking "just one more drink and I will have her in the sack".
Miss Scalper is thinking "next time he leave the tip I am out here"

I went to my Barber's and said, Give me a pony tail. He said, Once upon a time this pony went to the seaside....

Cahn's Axiom (Allen's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions.
Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting dish.
John Cameron's Law: No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Camp's Law: A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
Campbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Cannon's Cogent Comment: The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.
Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Carson's Law It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
Cartoon Laws
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Cavanaugh's Postulate: All kookies are not in a jar.
Law of Character and Appearance: People don't change; they only become more so.
Checkbook Balancer's Law: In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.
Cheops's Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Chili Cook's Secret: If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
Chisholm's Second Law: When things are going well, something will go wrong.
Corollaries:
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Chisholm's Third Law: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Corollaries:
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.
The First Discovery of Christmas Morning: Batteries not included.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened.
Ciardi's Poetry Law: Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes in any detail about the technical management of a poem, the resulting irascibility of the reader's response is a constant.
Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Corollary (Asimov): When the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists, and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion -- the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, right.
Clarke's Second Law: The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas: Every revolutionary idea -- in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:
"It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time."
"It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
"I said it was a good idea all along."
Clark's First Law of Relativity: No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.
Corollary: Don't try it: you cannot drink enough of your in-laws' booze to get even before your liver fails.
Clark's Law: It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
Cleveland's Highway Law: Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.
Clopton's Law: For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
Cohen's Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.
Cohen's Laws of Politics:
Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Colson's Law: If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Comins's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Committee Rules:
Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology:
No action is without side-effects.
Nothing ever goes away.
There is no free lunch.
Law of Computability: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Law of Computability Applied to Social Science: If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
Laws of computer programming
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any given program costs more and takes longer.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Any program will expand to fill available memory.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
First Maxim of Computers: To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
Connolly's Law of Cost Control: The price of any product produced for a government agency will be not less than the square of the initial Firm Fixed-Price Contract.
Connolly's Rule for Political Incumbents: Short-term success with voters on any side of a given issue can be guaranteed by creating a long-term special study commission made up of at least three divergent interest groups.
Conrad's Conundrum: Technologie don't transfer.
Considine's Law: Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error being made will be in direct proportion to the embarrassment it will cause.
Conway's Law 1: If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.
Conway's Law 2: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Cooke's Law: In any decisive situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
Cook's Law: Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.
Coolidge's Immutable Observation: When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
Cooper's Law: All machines are amplifiers.
Cooper's Metalaw: A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
Mr. Cooper's Law: If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it.
Corcoroni's Laws of Bus Transportation:
The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.
All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.
The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.
Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.
Cornuelle's Law: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Courtois's Rule: If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.
Crane's Law (Friedman's Reiteration): There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. ("tanstaafl")
Mark Miller's Exception to Crane's Law: There are no "free lunches", but sometimes it costs more to collect money than to give away food.
Crane's Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Cripp's Law: When traveling with children on one's holidays, at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.
Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
Culshaw's First Principle of Recorded Sound: Anything, no matter how bad, will sound good if played back at a very high level for a short time.
Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument unless a man is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
Czecinski's Conclusion: There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together
The man received a full treatment, a haircut, shave, shampoo, and styling.
After he was done, he placed the boy in the chair.
'I'm going to buy a tie to wear for tonight's party, alright?' he asked. 'I'll be back in a few minutes.'
'Sure,' the boy said.
By the time the boy was finished with the haircut, the man still hadn't returned.
'Looks like your dad forgot about you little man,' the barber said.
'That wasn't my dad,' the boy said. 'He just walked up, took me by the hand, and told me we were gonna get a free haircut.'

Happy summer -- the time when it's too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do all winter!

I have started a part time job, selling security systems door to door.
It is going well, if they are not home, I just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

The irony of life is that by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.

I used to date a time traveller, but I had to break up with her. I found out she was two-timing me.

When a dad joke has been around a long time does it become a grandpa joke?

Every time I go tp see the doctor they always ask 'How are you today?" "If I was good I wouldn't be here!"

I wrote a screen play about love in the time of Kotex.
It was a period piece.
No one would produce it. Bloody fools!

Jeff Bezos was in space for longer than the amount of time Amazon Warehouse employees are allowed to spend in the restroom.

So I caught my girl cheating again.
This time I caught her doing it with my Dad and before that my brother like seriously. So I was wondering if anyone know how I can tell her I just want to be cousins.

I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals.
They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Q: How do boyfriends exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

I tried buying a train ticket online.
Each time it said: ‘Where do you want to go?’, I clicked on the “Home” icon.
It then made me start all over again.

What is a bed's least favourite time of year?

Spring break.

I always take time to reflect in front of a mirror.

Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.

Every time I take up a sport, or exercise I meet new people ... usually they're paramedics...but they're new people.

Oxymorons .....
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

I did a couple of laps around the gym today.
Maybe next time I'll actually park my car and go in.

I never said he’d been to prison…
…I just said he’d spent a lot of time behind bars…

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.
Henry Ford

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex… I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

When’s the worst time to get a heart attack?
When you’re playing Charades with a group of friends,
and it’s your turn!

My gf and I watched 3 movies back to back the other nite. I said next time she can be the one facing the TV .

How do people get bodies in a suitcase? It takes me all my time to get 3 shirts and a couple of pairs of pants in!

Finding a life partner is like putting down linoleum: lay it right the first time and you can walk all over it the rest of your life.

Somebody asked if I have time to spell Wonton backwards?
I said, “not now”...

I used to hate time travel when I was older.

I told an offensive joke last time I performed Comedy in Croatia.
The audience were Split.

I spoke to my dentist about how I get pains every time I drink coffee or tea. He asked ‘how long has this been going on for?’ I said, ‘I have been drinking tea and coffee for many years.’

Did you hear about the pirate that got upset every time his ship floated away...
...he had to take anchor management classes!

When's the best time to buy a trampoline?
At the Spring sales.

My teacher says that fish are more intelligent than we give them credit for. They spend a lot of time in schools.

Paddy is in court,and after an 8 day trial he suddenly pleads guilty.The judge says,"Why didn't you just plead guilty at first and save the court all this wasted time and money?"
Paddy says,"I thought I was innocent until I heard all of the evidence."

I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week.!!

First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.!!

My first flat was so close to Heathrow airport, that every time I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, a stewardess told me to get back to my seat!

My Jewish GF and I decided it was time to get physical. It tuchas to a whole new level.

The Nazi’s catch 3 women spies, a waitress, teacher and a prostitute. They offer them 3 ways of dying, hanging,firing squad or 4ucked to death. The waitress picked hanging and they marched her off to hang her, the teacher chooses firing squad and they shoot her right there, the prostitute unsurprisingly choose being 4ucked to death. The SS commander takes her off to a barn and start 4ucking her, she reaches behind her and picks up a hay straw and starts tapping him on the head,the SS officer says “what the 4uck are you doing”,she says “by the time you’ve 4ucked me to death I’ll smashed your 4ucking head in”.

Once upon a time in France, 3 kittens were playing on a frozen pond. Suddenly, the ice broke and un, deux, trois, cat sank!

Right, this time I'm gonna try and go at least a month without any innuendos. Touch wood.

Do you realize every time you put your glasses on you make a spectacle of yourself?

Businessman Abe Greenberg phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry Mr Greenberg, but he died last week."

The next day Abe phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day he calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Mr Greenberg, I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "It gives me such pleasure to hear you say that."

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

I met a woman in a bar and took her home. We started getting busy and I think she wanted me to fuck her in the ear. Every time I tried to stick it in her mouth, she kept turning her head.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Every solution breeds new problems.

Abbott's Admonitions:
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
Abrams's Advice: When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.
Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
Acton's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Ade's Law: Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry.
Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
Alan's Law of Research: The theory is supported as long as the funds are.
Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions.
Alley's Axiom: Justice always prevails . . . three times out of seven.
Anderson's Law: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Law of Annoyance: When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Laws of Applied Confusion: The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.
Corollary: Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven't even made it.
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Army Law: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.
Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms:
Numbers are tools, not rules.
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.
Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance.
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
The product of an arithmetical computation is the answer to an equation; it is not the solution to a problem.