Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

At this time of year I love sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping mulled wine and listening to Christmas songs until I fall asleep...
Which is probably the reason I lost my job as a fireman!

Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of heart disease.
She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children.
Mary finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel."

Happy summer -- the time when it's too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do all winter!

You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.

Every time I see a boiling kettle, I have to take a picture with me beside it.
I guess I have selfie steam issues.

Scientists do not know how many sheep there are in the world because every time they try counting them, they fall asleep.

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.”
— Billy Crystal

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really?
Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied,
"My wife."

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

A time traveller.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?

- I spent yesterday really studying glass containers with lids.
- Day jar view?
- No, it’s the first time I’ve ever done it

“The years are flying past and we all waste so much time wondering if we dare to do this or that. The thing is to leap, to try, to take a chance.”
Leonard Cohen

Wife: Darling, we should get married again on our 25th anniversary.
Man: Yeah, and this time let’s choose our partners wisely!!!

By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

Doctor: and when's the last time you drank alcohol?

Me: what day is it?

Doctor: Thursday

Me: today

“You either like me or you don’t. It took me twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else.”
— Daniel Franzese

The worst possible time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

My first flat was so close to Heathrow airport, that every time I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, a stewardess told me to get back to my seat!

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
• J.R.R. Tolkein
The Fellowship of the Ring

I don't go swimming because it's never been 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

She was a terrible carpenter. She wasted too much time painting her nails.

think i might wear two pairs of trousers next time i play golf, just in case i get a ‘hole in one’

Einstein developed a theory about space, and about time too!

“Doctor, Every time I go out people start hitting me with sticks”.
“And why do you think that is Mr Piñata?”

I heard a really good time travel joke tomorrow.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,.. Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of. The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green, I love your legs and what’s in between. I like your style, I like your class, But most of all I love your ass.
And to the other girl he wrote:
* * * Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly! Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Every time you close a tap after washing your hands you get back some of the germs you left on the tap when you were opening it.

I've got a part time job for a company making rubberised computer keyboards.
They offer flexible shifts.

First time I saw a dry erase board I said that "remarkable".

I held up my clock to a mirror. It was time for reflection.

Why is 4 o'clock in the morning the best time to cook sweet potatoes?
Because it is for a yam!

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

Here are some genuine aptronyms (a person's name that is regarded as amusingly appropriate to their occupation)

Alan Ball, English footballer who played in England's 1966 World Cup winning team.
Anna Smashnova, tennis player.
Billy Drummond, American jazz drummer.
Bob Flowerdew, gardener and Gardeners' Question Time panellist.
Bob Rock, rock music producer, including Metallica and Bon Jovi.
Brenda Song, singer.
Cecil Fielder and his son Prince Fielder, baseball players.
Jaime Gold winner of 2006 World Series of Poker
Chuck Long, former NFL quarterback for the Detroit Lions and the Los Angeles Rams.
Henry Head, an English neurologist.
Igor Judge, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales .
Learned Hand, judge.
Lord Brain, neurologist.
Marc Rich, billionaire financier.
Margaret Court, tennis player.
Margaret Spellings, Education Secretary under George W. Bush.
Peter Bowler, cricketer who was, in fact, primarily a batsman.
Pippa Greenwood, plant pathologist and "Gardeners' Question Time" panellist in the UK.
Scott Free a defence attorney.
Thomas Crapper, manufacturer of Victorian toilets. Please note that the word "crap" predates Mr Crapper.] .
Tiger Woods, golfer [A wood is a type of golf club].
Usain Bolt, Jamaican sprinter, Olympic Gold medalist, 100m and 200m world record holder.
William Wordsworth, poet.

Fun game for parents:
Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

I heard if you push the accelerator and brake pedal at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

IKEA has been taken to court over faulty luggage. I hear prosecutors are having a really difficult time putting a case together.

My email password got hacked again...

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat!

My wife! Honestly! Such a dirty, lazy person. Every time I go for a pee in the sink it’s full of unwashes dishes!

Next time someone says “I can’t stand it anymore,” ask them if they tried sitting it down. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Once upon a time there was a Knight who was in battle and was attacked from all sides. His name was Sir Ounded.

Every time my son asks me to put his shoes on, I tell him they won’t fit me.

If I had a penny for every time I exaggerated, I'd be a billionaire.

Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final.

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now.

I want to talk about hot dogs. It's time for a frank conversation.

My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified because last time something that big hit the ground the dinosaurs died.