Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

What if John Wick is just Neo in the new Matrix program? Think about it, Even Morpheus is in it and says “John doesn’t remember but we met a long time ago.”

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

The Women's Dictionary
1.Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor." 🚂

That's the last time I buy anything from eBay. I put in a bid for the worlds largest box...

It's just arrived now and I've been conned. The box it came in was bigger!

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not fit enough to do it, you’ve got a long walk home.

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back,
"This is no time to be superstitious."

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.
When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Al would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Ben would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.

They started to climb the stairs, and Al started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Ben and Carl were laughing hysterically.

Then Ben started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Al and Carl were hugging each other in fear.

Then Carl started to tell sad stories. "I'll tell my saddest story of all first," he said. "There once was a man named Carl who left his hotel room key in the car..."

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?
She obviously didn't give a fuck.

A man returns to his home town in Russia after 30 years. He sees a shoe shop that he remembers from his time living there and goes in. He tells the owner "I remember this shop. I left a pair of shoes here for repair 30 years ago before escaping to the West." The owner says "Yes, I remember you. Wait just a moment", and disappears to a back room. After a minute or so he reappears and tells the man "They'll be ready next Thursday. "

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?
They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

Hey fatboy, why are you so damn fat?
Because every time I fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

Yo mama is so fat when she got on the scale it said one at a time please.

The United States Bureau of Fisheries = I Raise the Bass to Feed Us in the Future
The United States of America = Attaineth its cause, freedom
Tom Cruise = So I'm Cuter
Vacation time = I am not active
Vacation Times = I'm Not as Active

Wanted.
Assistant to fill Hourglasses with sand, No time wasters.

My wife came into my shed yesterday and said, "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!"

It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

I know I'm ugly...
As I get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

I've got several great jokes about my kids being adopted.
But I can never find a good time to tell them.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

What time is it when you get hit by a car?
Time to die.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

I used to be a professional boxer.
You may have heard of me, I was known as 'The Artist'.

I used to spend most of my time on the canvas.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar - every time I have a pessimistic thought,I put in $. Currently it's half empty.

After smoking weed for the first time I saw my father beating my dad .

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

At this time of year I love sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping mulled wine and listening to Christmas songs until I fall asleep...
Which is probably the reason I lost my job as a fireman!

I only realised that I live in a bad neighbourhood when I paid my rent on time and the police came around the next day to ask where I got the money from.

A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.

"Come on, you stupid cow!" I shouted. "Get a bloody move on!"

She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!

Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.

I'm just not cut out for the dating world. The last time I was someone’s type...
I was donating blood...

Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...

If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy.
I'd have enough money to not need a job.

If you ever see a troll eat a fairy
It's either time for rehab or you're on Reddit.

Finished my Polish on Duolingo today. Now it's time to polish my Finnish.

Replace the negative with the positive.......
and next time put the battery in right the first time.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!*”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, *"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"*
She said, *"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"*
John said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"*
*"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"* Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, *"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."*
She said, *"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.

What did the Mummy broom say to the baby broom? It’s time to go to sweep!

A friend gave up his job as a shepherd as every time he tried to count his flock, he fell asleep.

Sleep is time machine to breakfast.

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies, "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads.
Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass.

She wanted to test whether her sons in law really cared about her or not. So she devised a plan. She invites her first SIL for a run and after reaching a river she purposefully slips into the river's current.
Without any hesitation first SIL jumps into the river and saves her. The very next day he receives a brand new Audi car and $10mn in cash with a note "thanks for saving me-MIL". She now invites second SIL for run and does the same , without hesitation he jumps in and saves her. The next day he receives same model car ,$10mn and note saying "thanks for saving me-MIL". She now invites her final SIL and does the same when she reaches the river but this time the son in law just ignores and walks back to his home. The very next day he receives 2 brand new cars and $20mn in cash with a note "thanks for saving me-FIL".

A millionaire and a guide were out hunting ducks with a dog.
The dog runs into a thicket and back out and barks once. The owner said good there's one duck in there. They go in and sure enough one duck. They get the duck and head to the next thicket.

The dog runs in and back out. This time he barks three times. Good there's three ducks. They go in and bingo! Three ducks. They collect the ducks and leave.

On the way out the millionaire asks the guide if he can buy his dog. And after much pushback and negotiations he had that dog!

Some years later the guide and millionaire cross paths and naturally the guide asks about his dog. The millionaire replied

"I had to put him down"

"What? Why?"

"Well, I took him out with a friend. First he runs into the thicket just like you taught him. Then he comes out barking like mad! I mean like crazy. Then he took off back into the thicket. When he came out this time he jumped on my buddies leg and went to humpin! After we got him to stop it was back to the thicket. The last time he ran out he came with a stick and was hitting us with it sooo I put him down."

"YOU MORON!" replied the guide. "He was trying to tell you that THERE'S MORE FUCKING DUCKS IN THERE THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT!

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette with beautiful blue eyes. He is instantly infatuated with her!

After his business presentation, he walks out of the board room and approaches this beautiful woman. He is very outspoken and immediately asks her to marry him! She's taken aback at the proposal, but she doesn't want to lose a potential client for her company by saying a flat out "no". So, if he fulfills three tasks of her choosing, she will marry him.

Her first request: "Within two weeks, build an 8-lane bridge -- entirely made of platinum -- spanning from Japan to Los Angeles." He replies: "I build! I build!" ... the bridge is completed in only 13 days! She is shocked that he is capable to accomplish this task within such a short time restraint.

Her second request: "Within one week, you must build a super-sonic overhead rail system that connects every major city in the USA, that takes only an hour to reach any city that the passengers desire." He replies: "I build! I build!" ... the rail system -- complete with 5,000 stops -- is constructed within 5 days!

Her last request: "I insist on having a husband with a twelve inch penis." He replies: "I cut! I cut!"

Why do kids like summer vacation so much?
It's the only time they will ever get to experience a classless society.

Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"
"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."

I tossed a coin 15 times, and every single time it landed on tails.
I'm starting to think that it's not just a coin-cidence.

The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

I still make time for all my favorite hobbies like drinking, swearing, and making people feel uncomfortable.