Hilarious jokes about PESSIMISTs that will make your day !

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel, The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

Wolf's Law (An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World): It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.

Oppenheimer's Observation: The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

I was going to run for president of the local pessimist group but I didn't think I would win.

Wolf's Law (An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World): It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong.

Oppenheimer's Observation: The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Long's Notes:

Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

I'm in a band called The Introverted Pessimists.
You've probably never heard of us, but that's fine.

I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a coin in the jar.
The jar is currently half empty.

A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman. With him, the glass was always half empty.

Im optimistic in a pessimistic way.

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.

Why are most photographers pessimists?
They focus on the negatives.

Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.

The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.

A friend's pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman. With him, the glass was always half empty.

Pessimists of the world unite.....
not that it will do any good.

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.

I said because she is a pessimist.

Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

The pessimist saw cups half empty.
The optimist saw cups half full.
The lady slapped them both for staring.

Wife: why is that bottle of whiskey you bought today already half empty??

Me: Because you're a PESSIMIST.

If there was an award for the most pessimistic person
I don't think I would win.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar - every time I have a pessimistic thought,I put in $. Currently it's half empty.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seat belts.

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel, The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

How can you tell an optimist from a pessimist?
Ask them to pronounce OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE.

The optimist says the glass is half full.

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The engineer says the glass is over-designed for the quantity of water.

Have I told you about the Russian optimist vs the pessimist?
The pessimist says, " Things could not get worse."
The optimist says, " Oh yes they can."

A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel.

An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A REALIST sees a freight train.

The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the track.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.

Guess what proton said to the Electron

Well, nothing much ... He just asked him why he's always negative and pessimistic.