Cops Jokes: We'll arrest you with laughter.

I saw a Cop on the roof of our local police office this morning, just sitting there thinking.
He had ideas above his station...

Breaking: due to panic buying, police were called to Tesco's this morning as a fight broke out in the toilet roll aisle.

A spokesperson said that they managed to calm the situation

Although one shopper has been left with soft tissue damage.

There was a rollover of a truck loaded with wigs and hairpieces.
The police are now combing the area.

Local police were called to the park for reports of teenage skateboarders disobeying sidewalk rules. Their boards were confiSKATED pending arrival of their parents.

I only realised that I live in a bad neighbourhood when I paid my rent on time and the police came around the next day to ask where I got the money from.

The Cops pulled me over when I had a giant pack of cards in my car.
They didn't arrest me, they just dealt with me at the side of the road.

I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

Just been pulled over by the police for having acne.
It turns out they were doing spot checks.

Got sacked from my job as a police officer last week, I think it was
My
Take no prisoners attitude 😳

Polce toay announce they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts.

I went to one of those balls at the weekend where everyone wears a mask, police came in and arrested everyone, apparently it was a Masqueraid!

Cop: Can you describe the guy who stabbed you.
Me: Yeah he was not very friendly.

A policeman is at the scene of a terrible accident. Body parts are everywhere and the officer is making notes of what is where.He comes across a head and writes in notes, "head on boolevard". This doesnt look right so he crosses it out and writes "head on bullevard". That doesnt look right either so he writes " head on boullavard" which still doesnt seem right. The officer looks around to make sure no one is watching and kicks the head, then he writes "head in garden"

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'. The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred'. 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

The detective looked at the rectangular box on the bed and instantly solved the mystery. It was a brief case.

BREAKING NEWS

Thieves broke into WH Smiths last night and stole A4 files, folders, poly pockets and dividers.

Police are looking for a gang of organised criminals.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Texas State Trooper walked up to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.
He replied, Texas State Troopers don't have balls.
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left!!!

Cop: The murder weapon fell into a puddle of cement. We now have concrete evidence.

A man has been stealing wheels off police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

A policeman knocked on my door last night and said 'where were you between 4 and 6?', 'at primary school' I said.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?
A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.

Just passing the Police Station I saw this notice in the window
'Burglar Wanted'...
So I went in and applied.

The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars... trust me on this one.

Just had two Police Officers at my door!
They said; “Are you familiar with the letters HB?”
I replied, “No, I’m not.”
“How about LS?”
“No.”
“What about JD?”
I asked, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?”
The police officers said, “No, these are just initial enquires.”

I had to report my stolen amazon package.
The police are still looking for a prime suspect.

A lawyer went to the local Police Station to
certify some documents. When he entered, he found one police officer reading the Bible. The lawyer became curious and asked the policeman "Who killed Abel, Adam's son?" The policeman answered, "I don't know, ask Sgt. Khumalo over there? He is the one who deals with murder cases..."

A lawyer went to the local Police Station to
certify some documents. When he entered, he found one police officer reading the Bible. The lawyer became curious and asked the policeman "Who killed Abel, Adam's son?" The policeman answered, "I don't know, ask Sgt. Khumalo over there? He is the one who deals with murder cases..."

I got pulled over last week, when I gave the cop my driver's license he took a double take then asked me, "what's your name"? I said it's D D DA D David. He said, "you got a stutter boy"! I said, no sir, my dad had a stutter and the guy filling out the birth certificate was a real jerk!