Hilarious jokes about SPIES that will make your day !

James Bond would be a much better spy if he didn't keep telling everyone who he was...

What's a British spy's secret fetish?
Bondage, James Bondage.

The Nazi’s catch 3 women spies, a waitress, teacher and a prostitute. They offer them 3 ways of dying, hanging,firing squad or 4ucked to death. The waitress picked hanging and they marched her off to hang her, the teacher chooses firing squad and they shoot her right there, the prostitute unsurprisingly choose being 4ucked to death. The SS commander takes her off to a barn and start 4ucking her, she reaches behind her and picks up a hay straw and starts tapping him on the head,the SS officer says “what the 4uck are you doing”,she says “by the time you’ve 4ucked me to death I’ll smashed your 4ucking head in”.

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.
But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

Remember, if it's connected to the internet it can be used to spy on you.

I had a pretty good chinese spy balloon joke, but it got shot down.

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
"Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."

What happens when a famous super spy becomes homeless?
“The name’s bond— Vagabond.”

What's a British spy's secret fetish?
Bondage, James Bondage.

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.
But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

A Chinese man, a communist and a spy walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.

Q: Why did the spy cross the road?
A: Because he was never on your side.

How did the german spy get caught?
He went into a pub in London and ordered two whiskeys.

The bartender asked him: "Dry?"

To which he replied: "Nein, zwei"

American spy goes undercover to a Russian university as a student
After one semester he is expelled. His supervisor asks him what happened.

- I don’t understand! Everyone goes to the sauna, I go to the sauna too. Everyone goes drinking, I go drinking too. Everyone gets hookers, I get hookers too. Everyone passed their exams, I didn’t.

My wife thinks I should become a spy...
She says I'm naturally good at moving in and out unnoticed.

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.
We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

What is a dog’s favorite spy movie?
Mission im-paw-sible.

Your spy name is:
Your last name, followed by a brief pause and then your first and last name.

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy. She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.
They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

How did the Russian spy distract the guard?
By stallin.

The three most well-known spy agencies are the CIA, KGB, and MI5.
The rest are good.

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
"Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly
They call her ‘Cagey B’.

A man asked me what I did for a living.
" I'm a spy " l replied.
" Then why are you dressed as a shepherd ? "
" I'm a shepherd's spy "

The Nazi’s catch 3 women spies, a waitress, teacher and a prostitute. They offer them 3 ways of dying, hanging,firing squad or 4ucked to death. The waitress picked hanging and they marched her off to hang her, the teacher chooses firing squad and they shoot her right there, the prostitute unsurprisingly choose being 4ucked to death. The SS commander takes her off to a barn and start 4ucking her, she reaches behind her and picks up a hay straw and starts tapping him on the head,the SS officer says “what the 4uck are you doing”,she says “by the time you’ve 4ucked me to death I’ll smashed your 4ucking head in”.

Bloke 1: "What do you do for a living?"
Bloke 2 "I'm a spy."
Bloke 1: "Why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
Bloke 2: "I'm a shepherd spy."

These days, everyone seems to think that our smartphones are spying on us .

I've got news for you..

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years..

me: do you want Rice Krispies or Corn Flakes?

Tori Amos: what do you think?

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Ice crispies....

Dont be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

James Bond would be a much better spy if he didn't keep telling everyone who he was...

These days, everyone seems to think that our smartphones are spying on us .
I've got news for you..
Our vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.. .

Just watched the director's cut of a Rowan Atkinson spy film whilst eating breakfast. It was the full English.

If James Bond is the most famous spy, doesn't that make him the worst spy?

Q. What is the British Secret Service's best yellow-haired spy?
A. James Blonde!