Hilarious shrink and psychiatrist Jokes that will make your day !

Last week my shrink asked me if i heard voices in my head. I told her no, but that i could hear the voices in HER head. She didn't laugh, so I diagnosed her with having HDD. She asked what that was? I told her that HDD was humour deficit disorder! and she had a bad case of it.

My therapist said she wants to treat me with ygolohcysp.

But I told her reverse psychology doesn’t work on me.

What do you call a retired shrink ?
A shrunk.

I've decided I don't have bipolar disorder, I must have Down's Syndrome. 'cause I can handle the up's but not the down's!

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"
"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."

Guy goes to his shrink and says, "I think I'm a French pair of shoes!"
The shrink replies, "What makes you chaussures?".

A man went to see a shrink.
He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa".

Three women were at a shrink’s office with their kids
The shrink told the first woman, “You love food so you named your child Candy.” He told the second, “You love money so you named your child Penny.” The third woman told her son, “This is ridiculous. Let’s get out of here, Peter.”

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"
He said, "you've got perfect vision."

My shrink thinks I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.
She said I can’t trust women who charge by the hour.

Guy goes to a shrink.
What seems to be the problem?

The guy says, I keep having this recurring dream I’m an auto mechanic.
The shrink says, OK get under the couch.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only plastic wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb.
One
But the lightbulb has to really want to change.

My shrink says i have a gambling problem..
i asked "doctor is there a cure" she said "no dice!"

"Has anyone here seen my shrink-wrap?" asked someone in the warehouse.
"I never knew your psychiatrist likes hip hop music," I replied.